Dear Kid,

We were at the soccer field. Pi’s team was warming up and I was freezing up while we watched the game before hers (and by “watched” I mean Dad was providing a running commentary on the players, the coaching, and the reffing, and I was not).

A teenage-ish looking boy in the row behind us asked, “What do the blue jerseys signify?” The refs were in blue that game.

The boy’s Very Knowledgeable Dad responded, “It has to do with their level of qualification…”

I did not spit out my coffee, but only because I wasn’t drinking any. I turned around and gently explained that the refs were wearing blue because one of the teams was in yellow and it could be potentially confusing if the team and the officials were wearing the same color. I further explained that the patches had to do with their certification and that said patches were held on with Velcro. (I don’t think they cared about the Velcro very much.) At the end I said, “My son’s a referee, so I got a great education.”

All true.

And it got me thinking about people who feel the Great Need to Provide Information—whether they are privy to accurate facts or not.

I should point out here that I am not talking about mothers who write blogs and take great pride in not having actual facts all the time.

I am talking about people who pontificate at great length—and even greater length when they know less than nothing about a given subject.

Wouldn’t it be easier (and potentially less embarrassing) to say, “Interesting question. I’m not sure. Perhaps Our Friend the Internet has the answer.”?

Have you ever encountered a person like that? One who spouts misinformation like the Bellagio spouts water? (Someone please remind me to write about interesting fountains.) I wonder if people usually correct them. I wonder if they get tired of being wrong all the time. Mostly I wonder if they even know their wrong because people just ignore them.

Get a good education, kid. If you’re going to spout off, know what you’re talking about.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

A 15” beagle (did you know beagles came in sizes?) named Miss P won the Westminster Dog Show last night.

Puppy: Princess Pea?
Me: Different story. That one involved soup
Puppy: The Princess and the Pea?
Me: Yet another story. That one involved mattresses

Miss P looked like she was having a grand old time. She is only the second beagle to ever have won the show in its 139 year history (second longest held sporting event in the US—any guess what the oldest is?). Perhaps only the judge of the Best In Show class had a better time.

Puppy: Did I win?
Me: You weren’t there
Puppy: Would I have won if I’d been there?

I decide “yes” is a completely truthful answer. Since there is nothing purebred about the puppy (and he’s far too old for a show dog) the only way he will ever be at Westminster is if I dream about it—and if it’s my dream of course he’ll win.

In some ways I loved watching Westminster. The dogs are dang cute and shows like this are the only place I get to see some of these breed.

On the other hand, I’m a little conflicted. There aren’t too many purebred show dogs in rescue centers and shelters and I’m a huge fan of rescue babies.

Puppy: I’m a rescue baby, right?
Me: Yes, you most certainly are

Miss P is being retired from shows in order to breed. See my above comment about shelters and too many dogs without forever homes.

Then I read that Miss P’s owner has never met her. I find that very sad.

On the other hand, Miss P seemed perfectly happy doing what she was doing and being the center of the dog world.

Love, Mom

The longest running sporting event is the Kentucky Derby

Dear Kid,

In approximately 22 days, the Iditarod will start.

Because this is a dog event, I decided to consult our resident canine.

Puppy: What do you mean they are outside for 1,000 miles for a race? That’s crazy!

The Iditarod began in 1973. During the race, teams of 16 dogs and a musher race to the finish. The race frequently involves mushing through huge blizzards, sub-zero temperatures, and crazy winds.

Puppy: Those aren’t dogs. They’re polar bears.

There are 26 or 27 checkpoints along the route (depending on which route is run). Mushers pick up planned supplies at the checkpoints and often rest there (although some prefer to sleep along the trail). There are three mandatory rests along the way. One is a 24 hour layover, one is an 8 hour layover, and then final one is an eight hour stop before the final sprint.

Puppy: See? Polar bears sleep outside. Dogs sleep on pillows.

According to the EPA, temperatures in Alaska have increased 6.3 degrees over the last 50 years (twice as fast as the national average).

This year the Iditarod route is being changed because of low snowfall.

Puppy: There’s no snow for the polar bears? Ridiculous. I’m going to take a nap.

Now you know.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Last night was the Super Bowl (just in case you weren’t sure). And being the kind of mom I am, I am thoughtfully providing you an Entirely Accurate Replay of the evening. You’re welcome.

Starting at 5pm, we began to learn about the Super Bowl (the commentators began talking a lot earlier, but that’s when we tuned in). Turns out there are a lot of players, all of whom might be the Most Important Player of the Game. Or might not.

Looks like there’s a great pregame show on the field of which we see 14 pixels worth. There appear to be lots of cheerleaders in teeny tiny costumes. Have you noticed that all professional cheerleader outfits look about the same these days?

We meet Davis Thomas, the Walter Payton Football Player of the Year. Players on the sidelines look bored.

John Legend sings America. O, Beautifully.

Idina Menzel sang the National Anthem. Beautifully. To absolutely no one’s surprise. (Every girl between 3 and 12 in the country goes nuts. To absolutely no one’s surprise.) Her jewelry is to die for. The Thunderbirds rock the sky.

Booker looks annoyed that I won’t share my dinner with him.

Chevy shows a great commercial about the impact of advertising. (OK, they think it’s about a truck, but it’s really about the impact of advertising.)

Booker takes himself off for a nap on his pillow since I won’t feed him my dinner.

According to the announcer, it takes a “small village” to get the coin toss done. About 4,000 people go out on the field to make sure gravity still takes the coin to the turf. Tails and Seattle wins the toss.

You’d think that could mean the game would start. You’d be wrong. Instead, we get some more interviews and repeats of injury updates. I felt very knowledgeable knowing what a torn labrum is. Until I realized that the reason I know that is because Pi had surgery on hers.

Six hours later, Seattle kicks. So far, no surprises.

Patriots get a first down, then have to punt. Running into the kicker. But they decline the penalty and Seattle gets the ball. But only for three plays. It’s a game of punters.

Booker looks fed up that no one is sharing seconds with him and goes back to his pillow.

Oh, look. A first down. And a couple more. And the Patriots are about to score when the Seahawks intercept the ball at the goal line, what WHAT? Commentators can’t believe Brady made a mistake. They are, I believe, befuddled.

And there’s a MINION commercial. I’m so happy! Followed by a cute Brady Bunch Snickers commercial.

The first quarter is over. Holy Super Bowl that was a fast fifteen minutes of football.

We have the exact same percentage of salt in our blood as there is in the ocean. (I did not know that.) And then there’s a great commercial about arm wrestling for Skittles.

Clydesdales and puppy. I almost cried. Turns out Mindy in the Verizon commercial is not invisible. And Arnold is back in the movies.

More football. And New England scores. In case you’ve lost track it’s been more than 5 minutes into the second quarter. 7:0 Patriots.

Fantastic Coke commercial. #MakeItHappy

And the First Draft Ever. Adorable.

I’m having trouble keeping up with the commercials.

Dad puts food from dinner away. Booker comes out to investigate. Still annoyed that no one is sharing with him. Speaking of Dad, there have been several Dad commercials. So far, no big winners.

Finally, a spectacular catch and with slightly more than 2 minutes left in the half, the Seahawks tie up the game amid something that looks a little like a hockey game. Keep your helmets on, dudes.

Then McDonald’s hits a home run (sorry about mixing sports metaphors) with a commercial about paying with love. Three points for the mom who tells her son she loves his compassion for other people.

And the two minute warning. Commercials lead Dad to say he wants a goat for his birthday.

With :31 to go in the half, the Patriots score. 14:7. With :06 there is a Big Decision to Make. Seahawks have the ball on the 11 yard line. To kick or not to kick, that is the question. The answer? Call a bunch of time outs. Then throw for a TOUCHDOWN! The commentators go crazy. Seahawks make a crazy decision and benefit from it (they will not repeat the benefit part at the end of the second half.)

And we go to halftime tied at 14.

Excellent commercial about helping a victim of domestic violence. There have been a number of commercials about treating people well, or featuring alternately-abled people (these folks are definitely not disabled). There was one about neutering cats. Very interesting.

The half time show starts with a Pepsi commercial. Whatev.

Katy Perry put on an awesome show with four costume changes. From the start where she rode a huge animated tiger to the end where she flew around. Still poised and singing. She has what the cat doesn’t. Fan-freakin’-tastic. Even though she didn’t sing Hot and Cold. So far she has the clear advantage in the game.

Boring commercials lead into the second half. The experts weigh in and still don’t have a clue who is going to win.

Seahawks get stopped near the endzone and so they kick a FG. Seahawks in the lead.

Microsoft #empowering had a couple of great commercials about optimism in the face of reality. Dodge had a commercial featuring people at least 100 years old.

I think there’s a trend.

I forgot to tell you that the grass in the stadium is grown outside in Alabama and then flown in and planted. To the best of my knowledge, everyone except the grass itself has been interviewed.

Seahawks intercept. Flag on the play. Player down. You’d think there would be commercials while the refs figure it out, but you’d be wrong. Seattle ends up taking over around midfield and proceeds to march (Beast Mode) down the field and score a TD. Seahawks up by 10.

Pierce Brosnan pitching Kia cars. He looks old. (You should say nothing right about now.)

A non-puppy Budweiser commercial. Meh.

New England plays with properly inflated balls for a while and manages to punt it away. The commentators are having a marvelous time talking about New England mistakes. Seahawks give it a go, but have to punt.

Synchronized car parking commercial! I think it should be a new Olympic sport.

Commentators start repeating themselves. Not really a good sign.

About ten minutes left in this Super Bowl.

Brady tries for a TD. Then he tries again. Finally, he hits a receiver. PAT. And it’s 21:24.

Tortoise and the Hare race commercial. Best part is that the tortoise has a girl hare in his car. Aesop is rolling over in his grave.

Commentators are beside themselves (making the booth very crowded). They can’t decide if the Seahawks have the game wrapped up, if B&B have everything now in control, or if we’re going to OT.

Flying pig commercial for Doritos. Adorable.

Seven minutes (in regulation as the commentators keep reminding us).

Having a Madden moment—I really like that there are grass stains all over the uniforms.

New England is doing everything they can to get a TD. The commentators are talking about the ball deflation investigation. I should have kept count of the number of times they mentioned it. I didn’t. Sorry.

Patriots score! 28:24. With 2 seconds to the 2 minutes warning.

Holy moly. Seahawks throw a long pass which isn’t caught. But wait, it’s bobbled, it’s live, and it’s caught! And the Seahawks are at the 5. Down to the half yard line. And the Seahawks TD pass is intercepted at the goal line. What on earth just happened? Why would you throw that pass? That’s my question and everyone else in the world thinks the same thing. Commentators are losing their kidneys.

20 seconds left in the game. Brady can’t take a knee because he’s on the 1 inch yard line. Except the Seahawks jump off sides so NE gets to the 5 (and 1 inch) yard line. And then there is a fight. Like a serious fight. Whistles all around. It’s insane. They are going to throw enough people out of the game so that no one will be left to take the snap.

And the game eventually ends.

As Dad just pointed out, no questionable calls from the officiating crew (good job, zebras!).

There is undoubtedly going to be post game celebration, but I’ve got to get up in the morning.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Happy February! Happy Super Bowl Sunday! And Happy Groundhog Day (one day early)! Or maybe it’s Getting Ready for Groundhog Day…

That’s a lot of happy for one cold Sunday morning, and I for one plan to make the most of all this joyousness.

As you may recall, I love all things Punxsutawney Phil. I still have “Talk Dad into going to Punxsutawney for Groundhog Day” on my to-do list.

I love the top hats and I love that little groundhog face and I love the hope that spring may be on its way sooner than we thought. I love the idea that Punxsutawney Phil lives forever (like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy only furrier).

Today I love the idea of a commercial with puppies and Clydesdales and Phil. I’m not holding my breath, but it would be pretty fun don’t you think?

Everyone in the land (and by “everyone in the land” I mean some people) are very busy getting ready for the Big Game. Personally, I read one column in today’s paper. Beyond that, I’m pretty sure that for me “getting ready” means making sure the Puppy’s walked and fed before game time and finding the remotes (not always the easiest thing to do in our family room).

Perhaps I should train the puppy to sniff out TV remotes. Dogs are trained to sniff out all sorts of incredible things—why not TV remotes?

In other news, today Dad discovered that Trivia Crack exists. He discovered this by reading a small article in the USA Today section of the newspaper.

Dad: Do you know about Trivia Crack?
Me: Yeah
Dad: Do you play Trivia Crack?
Me: Um, yeah.
Dad: Are you addicted to Trivia Crack?
Me: Somewhat
Dad: Really?
Puppy: Banana!

Hope you get lots of work done before you get sucked in to All Things Super.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Getting ready for the Super Bowl is not a process to be taken lightly. After all, the Super Bowl happens but once a year. Like New Year’s Eve but with better commercials. Who doesn’t love puppies and Clydesdales?

Being the kind of mom I am, I have decided to provide you with this Handy Guide to Getting Ready for the Super Bowl for the College Kid.

1. Decide where you are going to watch the game. Are you guest, host, or throwing everyone out of your dorm room so you can watch in peace? Are you going to watch in someone’s room or head out to an environment where there are Public Viewing Options like B Dub’s (less good if you actually want to hear the commentary or commercials).
2. Get your homework done in advance so you don’t hear your mother in your head saying “What is your homework situation?” during kickoff. Do not try to do homework during The Big Game unless you plan to go to the library and ignore The Event.
3. If the event is going to be in your dorm room, calmly discuss the viewing options with your roommates. The conversation should go something like this. “NO SLEEPING DURING THE SUPERBOWL. AND IF YOU DO DECIDE TO SLEEP YOU DON’T GET TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOISE LEVELS FROM THOSE OF US WATCHING THIS IMPORTANT SPORTING EVENT.” If your roommate is from a futbol loving country like Brazil, he or she will totally get it. If not, you may have some ‘splainin’ to do.
4. Arrange for snacks during the Super Bowl. It is perfectly acceptable to insist people bring their own and leave you out of it; you just have to be clear. Otherwise you will be subsisting on whatever’s left in the vending machine and questionable remnants of a burrito.
5. Do not go out the previous evening. You need to rest up for the big event. (Yeah, ok, that’s mom advice.)
6. Decide what time you are going to begin watching. This is not as silly a statement as it may sound since coverage begins far before game time. And by “far before game time” I mean yesterday.
7. Agree with your co-watchers on the appropriate method for evaluating commercials. This can range from ignoring them completely (a tactic employed by 6% of Super Bowl watchers), calmly discussing them (2% of viewers), or screaming raucously at the top of your lungs (everyone else).
8. Text during the game. In the modern world (and by “modern world” I mean your world), it is fairly lame to only watch the game with the people you are watching the game with. Be sure to ignore the people in the room (at least part of the time) to catch up with those watching in other venues.
9. Enjoy! With luck it will be an interesting football game.

Love, Mom