Dear Kid,

What is it about the month of September and lack of sleep?

Because there is clearly Something Going On.

I’m pretty sure it’s the annual outbreak of the Exhaustion Epidemic.

The Exhaustion Epidemic (like the flu) tends to hit several times a year. Unlike the flu, there is no vaccine.

Symptoms include lack of actual sleep, feeling that there isn’t enough sleep in the universe to make you ever feel rested again, and a badittude.

Actual Text from My Friend Sue:

Just wanted you to know that there will be 2 of us in the car tomorrow. Me and my bad attitude.

Fortunately, Sue is a rank amateur when it comes to bad attitudes so I’m not really worried about being alone with her. And her car has plenty of room so we can make her badittude sit in the backseat.

Since I, your mother, have spent years researching and perfecting a Bad Attitude (the noise you just heard was your Grandfather choking on his Diet Coke as he read that), I now present Advice for Dealing with a Case of Exhaustion Epidemic and a Bad Attitude.

Warn People. Because Sue warned me there will be an extra passenger in the car, I’m now prepared to be a little more patient with her. This is far nicer than opening the car door and saying, “Oh. You came along too?”

Get Some Actual Sleep. The EE is only peripherally related to physical exhaustion. Most of the tired is being overwhelmed with life. Nonetheless, EE requires heavy doses of actual sleep.

Make a List. Part of the problem with EE is a feeling of being overwhelmed and not knowing where to start. This generally leads to paralysis and TV watching. Turn off the TV, and make a list of the Things That Must Be Done. Do one of them. You’ll feel better. I promise.

Eat Real Food. Nothing exacerbates a case of EE like junk food. Except maybe junk food and too much coffee. Either way, eat something real. Your badittude won’t want you to, but your brain will thank you.

Call Your Mother. It won’t necessarily help, but it can’t really hurt. And it will make me feel better. And I promise not to fuss at you for the first five minutes of the call.

Here’s hoping you avoid a case of EE this term.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

In case you haven’t been paying attention, I have poison ivy. On my face.

Dear Mom,

My poison ivy is getting much better. No need to worry. Really.

Love, Me

It is not the Most Fun Thing I’ve Ever Done. Thank heavens for prednisone. To be fair, it’s not the worst, but it definitely ranks among Things I’d Prefer Not To Do Again.

In case you were contemplating something involving our three-leaf friend, I’ve put together a list of 10 reasons to change your mind. I’m just that kind of a mom.

10 Reasons Not to Play with Poison Ivy

1. It itches. A lot.
2. Poison ivy bumps and blisters are not attractive. To anyone.
3. Batman will come after you.
4. Urushiol, which is the oil in poison ivy that causes all those lovely bumps and blisters, is extremely stable and can stay active for years. Many years.
5. Airborne poison ivy is extremely dangerous (it doesn’t exactly fly, but can go through the air with the greatest of ease with a little help from a lawn mower, weed wacker, or just from falling vines).
6. 50% of the urushiol that hits your skin will be absorbed in 10 minutes.
7. Once urushiol is absorbed into your skin, you can wash all you like but it won’t help at all.
8. Some people don’t have a reaction to poison ivy; you’re probably not one of them.
9. People who know how to do it correctly can harvest the sap from poison ivy and turn it into a beautiful lacquer finishing agent. You’re not one of those people either.
10. It itches. A lot. A whole lot.

Love, Mom

Just in case you missed the beginning…

Poison Ivy (Part I) | More Than a Batman Character

Poison Ivy (Part II) Take Your Face to Work Day

Dear Kid,

Summer has arrived.

I know this because there is an ozone advisory and those never seem to pop up during the winter.

Also because the air is sauna-like. Which is to say that when I walked out of the air conditioning, the heat and humidity slammed into my lungs like…well, like nothing except summer heat and humidity.

Joyous.

Then I remember it could be snowing and I start to smile.

And then I remember that there is air conditioning and I’m just plain happy.

Because I am That Kind of a Mom, I am going to share with you my Top 7 Tips for living happily during the summer. (Not to be confused with my list of 5 Great Things About Summer which you can read here.)

Drink lots of water. Dad is (lately) of the opinion that we (and by “we” I mean humans) get sufficient water from food and the odd glass of whatever beverage is handy. He’s wrong. Drink water.

Sunscreen. The average (and by “average” I mean the one I bought) tube of sunscreen is 8 ounces. The amount of sunscreen you’re supposed to use Per Application is 1 ounce. You should be going through a tube of sunscreen at least once a week if you’re in the sun regularly. If you’re not going through it that quickly, use more.

Wear a hat. Even those of us that look ridiculous in hats (by which I mean me) understand that hats will help keep you cool and help keep your skin from getting that lovely charred look.

Get soggy. If you’re near a pool, lake, ocean, or large puddle, take a dip every now and then. If not, run your wrists under some cool water. I don’t know why it helps, but it does. (Don’t look at me like that—I studied business not anatomy.)

Get in the shade. It’s amazing how moving out of the sun can help.

Have a Popsicle. It’s one of those bonus things—water, sugar, and ice all in one! Even better, have frozen strawberries. In an emergency (and by “emergency” I mean any time you happen to be awake), have some ice cream.

Call your mother. It won’t really cool you off, but it might distract you from the heat.

If all else fails, just remember: it could be snowing.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Getting ready for the Super Bowl is not a process to be taken lightly. After all, the Super Bowl happens but once a year. Like New Year’s Eve but with better commercials. Who doesn’t love puppies and Clydesdales?

Being the kind of mom I am, I have decided to provide you with this Handy Guide to Getting Ready for the Super Bowl for the College Kid.

1. Decide where you are going to watch the game. Are you guest, host, or throwing everyone out of your dorm room so you can watch in peace? Are you going to watch in someone’s room or head out to an environment where there are Public Viewing Options like B Dub’s (less good if you actually want to hear the commentary or commercials).
2. Get your homework done in advance so you don’t hear your mother in your head saying “What is your homework situation?” during kickoff. Do not try to do homework during The Big Game unless you plan to go to the library and ignore The Event.
3. If the event is going to be in your dorm room, calmly discuss the viewing options with your roommates. The conversation should go something like this. “NO SLEEPING DURING THE SUPERBOWL. AND IF YOU DO DECIDE TO SLEEP YOU DON’T GET TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOISE LEVELS FROM THOSE OF US WATCHING THIS IMPORTANT SPORTING EVENT.” If your roommate is from a futbol loving country like Brazil, he or she will totally get it. If not, you may have some ‘splainin’ to do.
4. Arrange for snacks during the Super Bowl. It is perfectly acceptable to insist people bring their own and leave you out of it; you just have to be clear. Otherwise you will be subsisting on whatever’s left in the vending machine and questionable remnants of a burrito.
5. Do not go out the previous evening. You need to rest up for the big event. (Yeah, ok, that’s mom advice.)
6. Decide what time you are going to begin watching. This is not as silly a statement as it may sound since coverage begins far before game time. And by “far before game time” I mean yesterday.
7. Agree with your co-watchers on the appropriate method for evaluating commercials. This can range from ignoring them completely (a tactic employed by 6% of Super Bowl watchers), calmly discussing them (2% of viewers), or screaming raucously at the top of your lungs (everyone else).
8. Text during the game. In the modern world (and by “modern world” I mean your world), it is fairly lame to only watch the game with the people you are watching the game with. Be sure to ignore the people in the room (at least part of the time) to catch up with those watching in other venues.
9. Enjoy! With luck it will be an interesting football game.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

When was the last time you thought about zebras? (Not the referee kind, the related-to-horses kind.) I’m guessing not recently. Zebras are good creatures. (Zebra print is also a great trend, but that’s not what we’re talking about today.)

So, being the kind of mother I am, I thought I’d tell you a little about zebras.

1. Zebras don’t make good house pets.

You might think they’d be handy to keep in your room as a friend, but you’d be wrong. Zebras are not tiny animals. They don’t eat tiny amounts. Hence, the other end of the digestive process is neither petite nor perfumed.

2. Zebras are highly social.

They hang out in groups, like fraternity members only there are more of them. Like fraternity members, they will only go to sleep if there are friends nearby to set up an alarm if a predator is close. Also like fraternity members, they prefer to graze together. No word on whether they like fart jokes, but I’m sure they appreciate a good chemistry joke once in a while.

3. Zebra stripes are unique.

Zebra stripes (like human fingerprints) are unique to each individual animal. Zebra watchers often identify zebras by the stripes on their tushies. While zebra stripes might to make a person wearing them stand out at a cocktail party, when in a massive herd zebras’ stripes and coloring makes it difficult for lions (and other predators) to tell where one zebra ends and another begins.

4. Zebras are family-oriented.

Just not your family (because you’re not a zebra). Zebra mamas are very caring and protective of their foals and are known to check on them well after they’ve graduated from college. Zebra kids find this kind and reassuring and do not fuss at their loving parents.

5. Zebras are zippy.

Zebras can run over 40 miles per hour. They also have excellent stamina and the ability to cut across the field. They are often recruited for football teams.

6. Zebras are communicative.

They get their point across by sniffing, balking, braying, barking, snorting, changing the position of their tail and ears, and rolling their eyes at their parents.

7. Zebras are brave.

The head of the herd generally stays at the back to defend against predators. If a zebra is injured, the rest of the herd will circle around it, dancing the hora to keep away the predator and give the injured animal time to rest and recuperate. While there are several high schools with the zebra as their mascot, I am not aware of any zebra college mascots.

Don’t forget to text your sister.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

We’ve already established that you are a Deprived Child. While you got lots of love, plenty of food (a rare feat for a teenage boy), a bed of your very own, and enough nagging to prove we love you, you did not get all the physical trappings available to a person alive in the 21st century.

You did not get a new phone every 6 months (in fact, it was a long time before you got a phone at all). You did not get a car when you turned 16. You did not get a ticket to ride the space shuttle.

And now there are even more things for us to deprive you of.

A recent article on Mashable highlighted products for college kids. While I love Mashable, this author was clearly up against a deadline and (what’s the word I’m looking for? oh, yes) desperate.

The first item on the list is called the Space Bar. No, it is not a bottle of beer defying gravity. It’s a little shelf your monitor sits on that you can stow your keyboard under. Oh, wait. No college kids use desktop computers–they all use laptops. So maybe not a good choice for this article (cute shelf though).

Another item on this well-researched list is the Nostalgia Electrics BSET100CR 3 in 1 Breakfast Station which is a retro contraption that allows you to make coffee, pancakes, sausage, and toast. Simultaneously. I would never make fun of such a device (other than to wonder how one might clean it) because my wonderful friend Peggy bought one at Trader’s World for her son. No word on whether he’s ever used it. But, many college students live in dorms where one needs special permission to have a high wattage curling iron. Cooking devices like this are definitely verboten.

Moving on to: the 1.7 cubic foot frig. In dorm rooms, the frig is there. In apartments, the refrigerator is usually there. If it isn’t, you probably want something slightly larger than the ice cube tray.

Next we have the $300 Pocket Projector Mobile, 85-Lumen that is good for “movies, videos, presentations, and games.” Yup. Lots of college kids trotting around their own projector for presentations.

And my personal fave, the Dyson vacuum. Let’s be clear. I love you. I like the idea of you living in a clean-ish environment (I know you have a broom and I’m pretty sure your dorm has vacuums). But under no circumstances am I buying you a vacuum [for college] that costs more than my vacuum [for our home]. (You do not need to point out that I don’t vacuum. That’s a conversation for a different day.)

Here’s to spoiling our kids by not buying them everything under the sun.

Love, Mom