Dear Kid,

Yesterday was Labor Day. Which makes not a lot of sense because so many laborers have the day off. On the plus side, most of those who were working got time and half while still making it home in time for the fireworks.

In a way, today is Labor Day because so many of us are going back to work and classes. So it’s a Tuesday acting like a Monday. Which is confusing.

It probably means I’ll be incredibly confused all week.

Which makes this week like most others (ha ha).

I’m not sure why getting up on Monday’s is more difficult than getting up other days.

I think it’s because we get the opportunity to change our patterns over the weekend. We get to sleep late (which I guess you do on days you don’t have early classes but which for me is a weekend-only luxury) and not set an alarm clock. Which makes the Monday morning BZZZZ that much more jarring.

How to make Mondays (and Tuesdays) better:

1. Decide what to wear the night before. Yeah, it makes me feel a little junior high, but it helps. For some reason, staring at the closet in the morning is a soul-sucking activity. For reasons I can’t explain, nothing changes no matter how hard I stare and yet I continue to believe that the “right” outfit will magically appear if only I hunt hard enough.
2. Organize your things. There is never enough time in the morning to find everything you need for the day. It is—on the other hand—incredibly easy just to grab a prepacked bag and zoom out the door.
3. Eat breakfast. Give your body and mind the fuel they need to get you through the morning.

Come to think of it, this is a good list for making every day a better day.

Hope your Monday Tuesday is a great day.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

You know those pesky little expiration dates on food?

Not all food has an expiration date of course. Some food (bananas) don’t have an expiration date because they have a built in notification system. Some food (Twinkies) shouldn’t need an expiration date because no one has lived long enough to see a Twinkie actually go bad.

And some foods (according to a recent article in the Huffington-less Huffington Post) don’t have expiration dates because they never, ever (emphasis on ever) go bad.

According to the article (read it here) the magic 11 are:

1. Honey
2. Rice
3. White Vinegar
4. Real Vanilla Extract
5. Salt
6. Corn Starch
7. Sugar
8. Hard Liquor
9. Dried Beans
10. Instant Coffee
11. Maple Syrup

Of course, what this wonderful list of foods mostly leaves out is, um, food. Granted rice and beans is a Most Excellent source of nutrition, but it’s pretty much the only one.

Rice and sugar may not “go bad,” but you can get bugs. Put a bay leaf in each container to keep the bugs away (seriously).

More importantly, why would you stock up on some of these things? I guess it’s good to know that you won’t have to throw this stuff out, but hopefully you don’t have too much to begin with. I mean, how much hard liquor do you need? (Don’t answer that.)

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The numbers from taking your sister to college yesterday.

Steps to finish packing and load the car: 2,000

Steps walking around in Columbus, Indiana while Dad did Dad things: 2,000

Restaurants we checked out before deciding where to have lunch: 3

Steps unloading the car and unpacking the child: 2,000

Carts needed to take everything up to the room: 3

Steps around Target picking up the last few things we forgot: 48,752

Pairs of shoes she took: 43

Socks in her sock bin: Scientists are inventing new numbers to count that many

Out-of-state tuition: More than the socks

Hugs when we left: Lots and lots

Tears after we left: 0 (really)

Hours spent in the car: 5

Hours I slept in the car: 0

Hours I should have slept: 27

Puppies happy to see us when we got home: 1

Number of kids I miss: 2

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

As I mentioned, your sister is attempting to end my ability to breath by involving me in the insanity workout chaos.

Yesterday, I shared my first 15 Reasons for NOT Doing the Insanity Workout. Since I doubt she’ll buy any of those, here are 15 more.

15 More Reasons for NOT Doing the Insanity Workout. With footnotes.

1. My dog needs me.
2. 

   I can’t do (fill in the blank) because my cat needs me. Right. Cats never admit to needing anyone. DearKidLoveMom.com

   My cat needs me.*

3. It would be an insult to the cupcake I just ate.
4. It will confuse my fat cells.**
5. American Ninja Warrior is on TV.***
6. I’m thinking about re-doing the kitchen and I have to go measure something.
7. I need to pull weeds.
8. I need to vacuum.****
9. I need to take the car in for an oil change.
10. It’s too early. Or maybe it’s too late.
11. It’s too hot/cold/humid.
12. I have to go buy mascara.
13. My boss is going to call then.*****
14. It wouldn’t be fair to the millions of people who aren’t doing the insanity workout.
15. SQUIRREL!

*No one will ever believe that. Cats don’t really need anyone.

**Have you ever seen confused fat cells? Not pretty.

***Also NCIS reruns. VERY important.

****As if.

*****Whenever “then” is.

Any other suggestions?

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Your sister has decided to kill me.

I know this because she has been doing the insanity workouts this summer and has decided I need to join her in these workouts.

Anything that includes the word “insanity” and is not immediately followed either by the word “chocolate” or “coffee” cannot possibly be good for me.

In order to preserve my sanity, my capacity to breathe, and my ability walk upright, I’ve decided to begin compiling a list of reasons NOT to do the insanity workout.

1. I have a hangnail.
2. I don’t have an Insanity Workout outfit.
3. My eyelashes hurt.
4. I sprained my eardrum.
5. I want to be able to work out tomorrow.
6. “Work. Out.” ‘Nuff said.
7. I have to cook dinner.
8. I have to write a blog.
9. I have to paint the garage.
10. I have to finish knitting a sweater.
11. I have to learn how to knit.
12. I have a date with a pillow.
13. I need to text someone.
14. I have to be home in case the political pollsters call.
15. I’d rather binge out on Oreos.

I don’t think she’ll accept any of those, but a girl’s gotta try.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Happy Weekend!

Is it me, or did this week just fly by? First it was Monday and then—zip!—the week was over.

In some ways, that was great because it meant I was enjoying what I was doing. In other ways Where Did The Time Go????

It’s amazing how easy it to not get things done when you’re busy. OK, to be fair, it’s easy to not get some things done when I’m not busy. Like cleaning. There is never a good time for me to be cleaning—there is always something much more important. Like sitting. Or breathing.

But when I’m busy, it is ridiculously difficult. I make a list (I love lists). I start working on the list first thing in the morning. By the end of a crazy busy day (in which I think I’ve gotten a lot accomplished), I’m still at the beginning of the list.

I’m starting to think my list-writing pen has bad juju. And, like Sisyphus (remember him?), I am doomed to write the same list over and over and never finish my tasks.

Or maybe I just need to learn to write lists differently. Here is my plan for next week.

1. Start with a blank sheet of paper.
2. Write “To Do” at the top.
3. Solve some kind of problem or finish a task.
4. Add the aforementioned problem or task to my To-Do list.
5. Immediately cross it off.
6. Rinse and repeat.

List completed.

Thoughts?

Love, Mom