Dear Kid,

I had coffee with a friend yesterday morning. We met at Panera and while it was great catching up, it was even more fun to watch all the comings and goings.

There was a lady with her young son (I’m guessing 4-ish). He was very disappointed to find out his orange juice had pulp in it (apparently they do not have pulp-y o.j. at home) but he behaved beautifully about the whole thing. If his mother had a slightly quieter voice or hadn’t been directly facing me I never would have known about it. 10 points to the kid.

There was a man sitting at the table next to me who was getting holiday cards ready for mailing. He had the whole production spread out over a table and was addressing, stuffing, and stamping with great precision. I don’t believe he was drinking oj (or anything else for that matter). He was also very quiet. 8 points (he wasn’t as cute as the little boy.)

There was the lady sitting next to the fireplace who was reading something complicated in German. I know this because she had brought along a German dictionary that was bigger than most school busses. I thought she was meeting someone because another lady came over put her stuff down. Then lady #2 disappeared, leaving her stuff. 6 points because I was confused.

Across the restaurant there was a Gathering of Women. About 10 ladies were together (having moved heaven, hell, and a great many tables to their satisfaction). They were too far away for me to hear them (for which I am somewhat grateful), but they seemed to be having a swell time. Extra points for happy people.

The gentleman two tables over was not having a good time. He had a bass voice that made Boris Karloff (the singer in the Grinch [original version]) sound like a tenor. He would work for a while and then talk on the phone for a while. Every time he talked it sounded like the center of the earth rumbling. He was quiet, but it was a surprise each time he opened his mouth. 1,000 points for the unexpected voice.

On the other side, there was a job interview. I could hear the occasional question, but mostly it was the aura of nerves that gave it away. Bonus points to help the dude get the job.

There were two old men having coffee together. Adorable. Give them as many points as they are years old. I’m estimating 200 each.

There were the general comings and goings of all the people in desperate need of caffeine and carbohydrates. The only one who gets points is the woman in the pink jacket who must have had bells someplace because she jiggled.

Then a guy came zooming in (Man On A Mission). He was late to meet Center of the Earth Voice, but COTEV seemed ok with it. No points for tardiness.

A round of applause and flavored cream cheese points to the Panera staff, because they were crazy cheerful today and they didn’t burn anything while we were there.

Hope your day is full of bonus points.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, there were no brownies in the world. It was a very sad thing and is known by paleoculinaryhistorians as The Time of No Brownies. Then in what can only be described as a dessert-type miracle, the brownie was born.

It seems that in 1893, Mrs. Palmer (of the Palmer House Hotel in Chicago) got a hankering for brownies. She didn’t know that of course, since they hadn’t been invented yet. But hanker she did. So she asked her chef (whose name is lost in the sands of culinary time) to make a special dessert for her friends attending the Columbian Exposition. According to my friend, the internet, the new dessert was to be “smaller than a piece of cake, though still retaining cake-like characteristics and easily eaten from boxed lunches”.

The Chef created the word’s first brownie, and everyone was happy. Especially Mrs. P who was able to satisfy the world’s first brownie craving.

If you go to the Palmer House Hotel in Chicago you can still order a brownie made from the original recipe.

The chef’s creation (in addition to being delicious) sparked the Great Six Question Brownie Debate:

• Nuts or no nuts?
• Fudgey or cakey?
• Edges or inside pieces?
• Frosted or unfrosted?
• Warm or room temperature?
• Plain or with ice cream?

Today, there are all sorts of variations on brownies. Some brownies don’t contain chocolate (and are therefore imho not brownies at all). Some brownies contain vegetables (yes, chocolate is a vegetable—just ask Grandma—but that’s not what I’m talking about). Some contain pieces of candy (unnecessary but not sacrilegious). And some contain a variety of substances which may or may not be ­­­­legal depending on where in These Here Now United States you live (avoid the illegal—even in brownies).

Everyone has their own opinion on such things. Many of those brownie opinions are just plain wrong. And with so many combinations and permutations, there are a lot of unfortunately made brownies in the world. We can only feel sorry for them and the people eating them. Sometimes one has to reach deep and eat an imperfect confection. We do it for the betterment of the world and because who can pass up even an imperfect brownie?

Enjoy the brownies,

Love, Mom

What’s your “perfect” way to eat a brownie? Leave a comment below. Then feel free to Like us on Facebook.

Dear Kid,

It’s Turkey Day! The bird is basting, the cranberries are cooking, the salad is assembled, and there is much football and tryptophan to come. Also a parade of upside-down puppets.

Since we will be gobbling the gobbler later (theoretically, anyway. Turns out only male turkeys gobble and children of mine eat politely—but the wording was too good to pass up.), I thought you might like to learn something about the birds.

IMHO, turkeys are only attractive when nicely roasted with fixings nearby. They are not likely to be winners in the Miss Universe–Bird Edition reality show. Also, they are dangly. Both male and female turkeys have a snood (the dangly thing on their faces) and a wattle (the red dangly thing under their chin). Neither gender is blessed with many head feathers (and the few that are there are generally dangly).

Male turkeys are directly related to chameleons as their head and wattle can change color with excitement or emotion. Pretty female walks by—color change. Ready to fight—color change. No reliable research on gender bending turkeys.

Speaking of gender, one (not me) can tell a turkey’s gender from its droppings–males produce spiral-shaped poop and females have poop that is shaped like the letter J.

While they won’t win the beauty part of the pageant, turkeys will probably do well in the geography portion of the contest because they can learn precise details of huge areas. There isn’t a geography portion of the contest? Stinks to be a turkey.

Turkeys are intelligent and sensitive animals that are highly social. They create lasting social bonds with each other and are very affectionate.

A full-grown turkey has 3,500 feathers. Why someone would bother to count is beyond me.

Turkeys are omnivorous and will try many different foods. To my knowledge no turkey has ever eaten haggis, but what do I know.

Alaska and Hawaii are the only two states without extensive wild turkey populations. I have not been able to get reliable data on the number of turkey tourists.

The average weight of a turkey purchased at Thanksgiving is 15 pounds. The largest turkey ever raised was 86 pounds. I have no idea where someone found an oven big enough for that bird.

White meat is the most popular part of the turkey, so turkeys have been bred to have huge breasts. (think the Dolly Parton of the bird world). Domesticated turkeys are no longer able to mate because their man boobs get in the way. (Baby turkeys are now made via artificial insemination. Bet that makes you think of a couple of jobs you’re just as glad not to have.)

Californians eat the most turkey in the United States. Funny, I would have guessed Washington, D.C.

The phrase “turkey shoot” comes from an early Thanksgiving tradition (late 19^th century) of tying turkeys behind logs on Thanksgiving morning with only their bald little heads showing. There would then be a marksmanship contest to shoot off the turkeys’ heads. Yum. I prefer watching the parade and not contemplating how the turkey got to the kitchen.

The most popular ways to serve leftover turkey are: sandwich, stew, chili/soup, casseroles, burgers, and the good, old-fashioned gnaw it off the bone. But leftovers are a discussion for tomorrow when there might be leftovers.

Gobble tov and Happy Thanksgiving!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

When you look up “turkey,” you get all sorts of results—not all of them expected. You get Turkey (the country), and turkey (the bird), and flamingos, and storks, and tulips, and a goose. Which got me wondering where the phrase “cook one’s goose” came from. I looked for an answer, but it turns out that no one is quite sure. There are lots of guesses, but no real agreement.

When I was a kid (lo, those many years ago), Grandma and Grandpa decided it would be fun to cook a goose and have people over to enjoy the cooked goosery. A few months later, one of the families who had attended the goose dinner moved out of town. The goose dinner had been so much fun, we did it again the following year. And a few months later, one of the families who had been at that year’s dinner moved out of town. Rinse and repeat. Once the entire east coast was down to a population of 16, they stopped having goose dinners. You have been warned about the consequences of serving goose.

In case you happen to have a load of cash you don’t know what to do with, I have a suggestion. Don’t invest in BitCoin, buy your mama a ring. A Ring Clock to be specific. They are pretty darn cool, but it turns out you have to charge them for about two hours every day. Not loving it that much. And they are not exactly cheap. But when the perpetual motion variety comes out, you can feel free to put one in a box for me.

Did you know that Disney is coming out with a movie called Frozen? I think I’d like to see it, which makes it the 476th movie on my list. Sigh. Still haven’t seen Despicable Me 2. Double sigh. Anyway, the cool thing about Frozen is how much technology went into making the snow look and act like snow. There is a very interesting video about this that I didn’t understand at all. Might have had something to do with not having any sound at the time I watched it. Since it looked very technical I’m not going to watch it again with sound on the off chance that I still won’t understand it and  won’t have a reasonable excuse.

Love, Mom

Tune in tomorrow for some Amazing Facts About Turkeys!

Dear Kid,

I officially re-declare Thanksgiving week open. Refortified with ingredients, I spent the last two hours making pumpkin muffins (don’t forget to give some to your chauffeur when you come home from college).

Yesterday, Daddy and I went to see The Complete History of Comedy (abridged) by the Reduced Shakespeare Company. It was not quite as good as The Complete Works of Shakespeare (abridged) because it is darn hard to top the history plays as a football game, but it was very funny.

It is crazy cold here (your grandparents would probably refer to it as a trifle chilly). Dad went outside to do some yard work and Booker was begging to come back in where the heat is after only 5 minutes or so. He is now huddled over the heater vent, eyes mostly closed, basking in the warmth. I’m pretty sure he’d purr if he had the right equipment.

Because I am a Helpful Sort of Mom, I am making a list of Things You Don’t Have to Buy For Me. Ever. The first item on the list is Hostess’s Twinkie Maker (also available is a Hostess Cup Cake Maker which I equally don’t want). Available for you not to purchase at Kroger and other fine establishments. Seriously, how do they think of these things? And who has room to store such items? Don’t answer. I don’t think I really want to know.

Counting the days until you’re home.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

A friend of mine is trying to get in shape. This same friend is not known for eating vegetables (other than French fries) and believes that rinsing his mouth after brushing his teeth is sufficient water intake.

Water, water, every where,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I have it on good authority that the importance of good nutrition has been pointed out to him. I also have it on good authority that the importance of drinking water has been explained to him. I further have it on good authority that only a drip of this has begun to sink in.

The official word is a person can live without food for more than a month (ha!), but can only live without water for (approximately) one week. It has not been proven how long a human can go without chocolate, but it seems that water is even more important to life than chocolate. But only just.

Pure water is the world’s first and foremost medicine. ~Slovakian Proverb

About two-thirds of the human body is water. Some parts of the body contain more water than others. 70% of your skin is water, 75% of your brain is water. Toenails are not particularly watery. So if you are looking to work out your toenails, you can go with minimal water consumption. For things like muscles and brains, drink up.

Most college students don’t drink enough water. They are busy drinking coffee and other caffeinated beverages that zap the brain awake short term but are actually de-hydrating and crash-inducing. Or they are drinking energy drinks which not only do not provide hydration, they can actually kill you, so they are a triple bad idea. Or they are drinking Adult Beverages which are also not hydrating.

By the time you feel thirsty, your body has lost over 1 percent of its total water amount. This may not seem very important, I know. But it is, so I’m bothering telling you so. (Extra points for getting the reference.) The most common cause of daytime fatigue is actually mild dehydration.

We never know the worth of water till the well is dry. ~Thomas Fuller, 1732

So there you are in class, in the gym, at a movie, whatever, and you feel the need to yawn. Or stop your workout. Or take a quick (or not so quick) nap. Culprit? Generally, lack of water.

It was wonderful having you home this weekend.

Feel free to share this letter as appropriate.

Love, Mom

“The news just came in from the County of Keck
That a very small bug by the name of Van Vleck
Is yawning so wide you can look down his neck.
This may not seem very important, I know, but it
Is, so I’m bothering telling you so.”
— Dr. Seuss’ Sleep Book