Dear Kid,

I thought almond milk was a newfangled invention.

I thought wrong.

Almond milk has been around since the first rock fell on an almond. During the Middle Ages, almond milk was frequently used because it didn’t spoil as quickly as cow’s milk (what with the lack of refrigeration that made a difference). Almond milk was also an approved drink during Lent.

Just because the rest of the world has been making and drinking almond milk forever, doesn’t mean we here in the US paid any attention. In point of fact, cows dominated the milk scene in the US for a long time (and by “for a long time” I mean since the US was invented).

In case you were wondering how to make almond milk, it’s pretty straightforward.

Step 1. Plant an almond tree.

Step 2. Wait for almonds to grow.

As the waiting and growing can take some time, you might skip those steps and proceed to the nearest grocery store to procure almonds. (The almond milk makers of the medieval times did not have that luxury.)

Step 3. Nosh on some of the almonds.

Step 4. Toss almonds into a blender (unless you time travel back to medieval times in which case start looking for rocks) with some water. Blend until thoroughly smooshed.

Step 5. Strain out the pulp.

Step 6. Wonder why you went to all that trouble when you could have just picked up a carton of almond milk when you were at the grocery store.

Fun fact: 1 liter of commercially prepared almond milk has (approximately) the same nutritional content as 16 almonds. And has the added benefit of not leaving little bits in your teeth.

Now you know.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Seeing as how you live in (and go to school in) Ohio, it seems important that you know some of the more, um, interesting things about our state.

First (and possibly most importantly), you need to know that it is ILLEGAL to fish for whales on Sundays in Ohio. I don’t know why (or how) you would fish for whales in Ohio, but don’t try it on Sundays. Speaking of laws, Ohio was the first state to enact laws protecting working women (1852). And speaking of state laws that no one enforces, no one may be arrested on the Fourth of July in Ohio.

Akron was the first city to use police cars. Cincinnati was the first city to have a professional fire department. Union Terminal (now home of the Cincinnati Museum Center) was the inspiration for DC Comic’s Hall of Justice. It is illegal for more than five women to live in one house in our state. We’re very safety-conscious here in Ohio.

We also like to celebrate.  Avon hosts the world’s largest duct tape festival. Cincinnati’s Oktoberfest is the most attended Oktoberfest in the US (be sure to practice the Chicken Dance before you go).

We believe in interesting food in Ohio. If a restaurant serves horse meat, it must display a sign saying “Horse Meat Served Here.” So there’s that. The pop-top soda can was invented in Dayton (because where would we be without pop-top cans?). There are all kinds of foods in Cincinnati that you won’t find elsewhere (like Skyline chili and goetta). And I found one reference (thank you, my dear Friend The Internet) saying that Ohio is the leading producer of Swiss cheese.

NFL footballs are manufactured in Ada, Ohio. The first mechanical cash register was invented in Dayton by James Ritty to keep his “customers” from pilfering the profits. John Balsley invented the folding step ladder in Dayton (perhaps so he could reach the cash register).

Bruce Banner (the Hulk) is from Dayton. He definitely does not need a step ladder to reach the cash register. Especially if he’s annoyed.

Ohio is the only state with a pennant-shape state flag. The Zanesville Y-Bridge is the only bridge you can go over and end up on the same side of the river that you started on. And you can tour a house made entirely of trash in Philo. It is supposed to be very cool and I think Dad should take me to visit it. If we can figure out where Philo is.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Dad has decided to tap the maple grove. The maple grove in our front yard consisting of exactly one youngish tree.

Dad: Do you know what a spile is?
Me: Yes.
Dad: You do?
Me: Of course I do. I read all the Hunger Games books.
Dad: Huh?
Me: Never mind. I know what a spile is.

So Dad and NeighborFriend drilled a hole in our tree, plugged in the spile, and rigged an entire system to harvest maple sap.

They forgot to ask the tree how she felt about having the procedure done.

Apparently she wasn’t so much in favor of being harvested.

So far, we have an elaborate rig, a broken spile, and no sap collected.

Dad has explained—in exquisite detail—that this is due to the warm weather (which will soon be corrected), not clearing out the hole for the spile (which has now been “mended” with a straw), and other metaphysical inconsistencies.

Just so we’re clear: do not count on maple syrup supplementing your inheritance. You’ll be lucky if it supplements your pancake. Singular.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

What a difference a year makes.

Last year (as you may recall) I went to Las Vegas for a conference and got stuck due to charmingly lovely weather. Read about it here and here and here and here if you’ve forgotten all the hysterical details.

This year I went to the same conference (version 2016) in Orlando and travel was uneventful. Which (imho) is exactly how it should be. Thank you Mickey for the excellent weather across the nation.

The flowers that bloom in the spring Tra La!

Meanwhile, crazy weather here in southwest Ohio. One minute it’s warmish, the next minute it’s coldish. One minute people are singing “the cold never bothered me anyway,” and the next they’re searching for shorts and a T-shirt. One minute the frozen vortex of winter is freezing peoples’ vocal chords (causing weird versions of “Let It Go” to leak out of scarf-wrapped heads), and the next minute tulips are waking up.

The hotel we stayed in in Florida was very nice except for their soft drink policy. It is a Pepsi hotel.

You know I believe that Diet Coke is one of the most important food groups on the planet (right up there with the Chocolate food group and the Coffee food group). This hotel had not gotten the memo. They served diet Pepsi. (Fortunately, the bartender was kind enough to squeeze about a hundred limes into mine so I could drink it.) They were savvy enough to offer coffee and Diet Dr. Pepper so the world did not have to come to a crashing halt.

On the other hand, if this is the worst challenge I face this month, I’ve got a pretty good life.

Stay warm. Or cool. Or whatever the weather by you dictates I should be saying at this exact moment.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

STOP EVERYTHING!!

It’s Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day (I did not make this up). Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day was invented sometime in the 1960s in Rochester, NY (because everyone thinks of starting their day off with ice cream when it’s minus 142 degrees outside).

There are all sorts of ice cream flavors including lots of breakfast flavors (I’m not aware of a green eggs and ham one, although there very well could be such a thing).

There are the fruit flavors (orange, banana, strawberry), the coffee flavors (coffee, mocha), and the breakfast pastry flavors (donut, cinnamon roll).

There is bacon ice cream, and French toast ice cream, and most ice cream is made with an egg base.

There are waffle cones and cookie cones and don’t even get me started about the variety of add-ins that are really should be considered breakfast food.

The big question (duh) is WHO CARES IF IT’S PRETENDING TO BE BREAKFAST FOOD? It’s a holiday. Ice cream is being celebrated. What more rationale could you possibly want?

Eat your breakfast.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

There are many things I’m good at. There are even more things I’m not terrible at.

Opening bottles of sparkling water doesn’t fall into either of those categories.

I take incompetence to an entirely new level when it comes to opening soda water. (Not Diet Coke. For some reason I am an exceptionally gifted Diet Coke opener.) My inability to politely open a bottle of soda water is so thorough I may have to consider it one of my Super Powers.

Here’s how it goes.

Find bottle of flavored fizzy water. Place on counter for a long time. Gently turn cap. Watch in horror as it explodes all over the kitchen/workplace/breakroom. Fetch towels. Lots and lots of towels.

Other people seem to have figured out the secret code. It involves (I believe) simultaneously twisting the top in multiple directions, probably through multiple universes. It is possible that it involves secret pacts with the bottlers, being really tall, and a super-secret handshake with aliens although I haven’t been able to verify this.

After thorough analysis, I have determined there are three ways to handle this problem. One is to learn the super-secret handshake and get good at opening the bottles. The second is relying on friends to open the dang things for me. The third is to invest in a paper towel factory.

Guess which one I’m going with?

Love, Mom

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