Dear Kid,

There is a cricket in our garage.

It sings. Loudly. I don’t know if it’s male or female. I frequently can’t tell human gender just from voices so I have no shot whatsoever at distinguishing crickets.

Being the investigative reporter-type that I am (stop giggling), I sat down with the cricket to learn more.

Speaking on condition of anonymity (not a problem since we were never properly introduced), the garage cricket shared his/her/its perspectives on life, living, and the garage.

Me: Why the garage?
C: Opportunities for crickets are limited in our society, baby. We are an oppressed community. There is little to no policing of our neighborhoods or yards. Frogs, snakes, and large spiders are allowed to eat us without fear of recrimination.
Me: Wait, spiders?
C: Yes indeedee
Me: Ick. Ok, but why the garage?
C: How often can a cricket of my income level get a large one-bedroom in a gated community?
Me: Gated? Oh, you mean the garage door. Got it.
C: Plus it rarely rains in here and the meal plan is pretty good
Me: Meal plan?
C: You’d be amazed what wanders by…
Me: Say no more. Do you get a lot of, um, companionship in here?
C: Well, I do chirp exceptionally well
Me: TMI.
C: You asked
Me: True. Any chance we can get you to pitch in and help clean the garage?
C: Do pigs chirp?
Me: I take it you aren’t a cleaning sort of cricket. How do you plan to pay rent?
C: I’m releasing a new album later this year. Can I count on you for an order?
Me: Do dogs chirp?
C: Everyone’s a critic
Me: I prefer live concerts
C: Nice recovery. A little late, but nice
Me: Do you take requests?
C: Depends
Me: I request that you not keep us up at night
C: Sorry, baby. Nocturnal. All the best jazz musicians are
Me: You play jazz?
C: Well, more of a jazz/classical fusion
Me: At night
C: Nocturnal. Gotta follow Mother Nature
Me: How do you feel about the current use of the word “crickets” to mean silence?
C: Anyone who stops to listen to my symphonic melody is alright by me
Me: What are your thoughts about Jiminy Cricket?
C: Pretentious dude. Had a bad attack of conscious because he’s really a grasshopper
M: Grasshopper?
C: He’s green. Take a close look
Me: It’s not easy being green
C: Don’t mention frogs. Bad karma
Me: Thanks for talking with me today
C: Stop by any time
Me: You do remember this is my house, right?
C: Details, baby, details

Love, Mom