Dear Kid,

Have you heard the latest kerfuffle?

Kerfuffle: noun | (informal, mainly Brit) commotion; disorder; agitation

Kerfluffle: noun | chaotic plush toys

The latest is the 3033 Olympics. Nope, wait. Typing with the lights out can be dangerous.

The latest is the 2022 Olympics. Apparently, no one, but no one, wants to host the Games.

Basically, the world is playing a game of “nose goes” and the only ones without their fingers on their schnozes are Beijing (nowhere near cool ski mountains) and Almaty (the well-known winter resort of NOT).

Why is this? As I understand it (and to be clear, I did extensive research by reading exactly one post provided by My Friend the Internet—the title caught my eye which means it must be true), Russia lost a LOT of money hosting the Sochi games and no one seems to think that losing a LOT of money is a great investment.

Then there is the true blue honest and above board (and by “true blue honest and above board” I mean totally corrupt and bribery-infested) way that the IOC operates. It seems that while everyone knows it’s a hot mess, not all that many countries want to get involved. Sur-prise.

So it may be that the 2022 Olympics will be in Kazakhstan or China. Or they may be on Mars (according to a recent survey, no one on Mars hates the IOC – at least not yet). Or perhaps they’ll be someplace like Miami. It all makes about the same amount of sense to me.

The thing is, no matter where the Olympics are held, most of us will tune in to watch. And we will focus on the athletes, not on the IOC (except for the occasional snarky blog), and we will be amazed by what humans can do. We will cheer and we will cry and we will learn the rules of curling and biathlon only to forget them for the next four years.

Because no matter how hard the IOC tries to make this about the IOC, we-the-world know that the Olympics are about everything except the IOC.

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

My friend the library let me down. In case you’re not sure, the library is kind of like the internet except you have to travel to get there. I grabbed a book at the library the other day called The Book of Olympic Lists which is totally misnamed. It should be called the Book of Summer Olympic Lists Completely Ignoring All Winter Sports.

So I have now turned to my friend the internet to help round out my research.

It is still true that sometimes over the years host countries have added interesting unusual weird sports to the Olympics (like Tug of War and Obstacle Swimming). I can now add Interesting and Unusual Winter Sports for your reading enjoyment. I am not making any of this up.

In 1932 (Lake Placid), one of the sports was a dog sled race. Actually, there were two races on the 25.1 mile course. Only Canada and the US participated since dogs from other parts of the world decided they’d rather curl up in front of a nice cozy fire. This was the first recorded time in Olympic history of athletes using less-than-private “facilities.” So Sochi is just revisiting communal potties.

Moving straight ahead, or at least straight down, the Albertville Olympics (1992) showcased speed skiing. The point of speed skiing is to hit the fastest speed you possibly can (think clocking a baseball pitch). Speed skiers regularly exceed 200 km/h (125 mph), which is even faster than a free-falling skydiver (about 190 km/h; 120 mph). The Frenchman who won in Albertville reached 229 k/hr. This is a very dangerous sport (people have died) and is not nearly as interesting to watch as it sounds like it should be, so we’ll keep it on the “nevermind” list.

The best named sport I could find is skijoring (which I will leave to others to pronounce correctly). Basically, skijoring combines skiing with dogsleding. The human wears skis and a harness to which a dog (or three) is/are attached. There are no reins so you have to hope your dog is very motivated to get moving and that you have trained your dog to respond to your voice commands even when that pup can’t see an immediate incentive to do so. Skijoring was in the Games in 1928 (St. Moritz) where the skiers were pulled by horses (which made it more like combining skiing with a Budweiser commercial). Also, they held the race on a frozen lake. Which is odd because frozen lakes are flat and part of the fun is going over bumps and jumps. Or so I’ve been led to understand.

The other oddly named sport is skeleton (which of course has nothing to do with Halloween or underfed athletes). Men’s skeleton first appeared in the Olympics in 1928 (still St. Moritz). Then everyone forgot about it until the Olympics went back there in 1948 and they tried it once again (once being the operative word). In 2002 (Salt Lake) men’s and women’s skeleton became part of the regular Olympic lineup. In my opinion, extra points should be given for really cool helmets.

Hoping your Olympic lineup includes studying of epic proportions.

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

Sorry to miss yesterday’s post. I have a cold and slept the majority of the last 36 hours. I feel much better today (thank you for asking).

Because of the four day weekend for Pi (teacher records day on Friday and MLK day on Monday—do you have classes Monday?), it has been Social Central here. Friends sleeping over, going out to see friends, going to the HS wrestling match, baking, etcetera, etcetera. Booker (for whom it is always a 4 day weekend), has been sleeping, shedding, and trotting around with his newly rediscovered squeaking chipmunk toy.

Dad has been playing chauffeur and marveling at my somnolent abilities.

Outside our little world, things have been slightly more interesting.

According to my friend the internet, the Jamaican 2-man bobsled team qualified for the Olympics for the first time since 2002.

There is, however, some question as to whether they will actually compete in Sochi since they don’t have the cash to go. Money is one of the reasons they cut from a four-man bobsled down to two. They are taking paypal donations and hoping that funders step up to make their dream come true. The Jamaican Olympic committee website makes no mention of winter Olympics, the 2002 games, or bobsledding.

In other Olympic news, there are still major concerns about safety during the Olympics. Australian athletes will not (repeat, not) be allowed to go outside Sochi during the Games and will be whisked out of Mother Russia and back to Australia just as soon as the games are over. The US hasn’t been quite that blunt but is repeating warnings to be careful. Britain is sending the SAS as part of the delegation to guard its athletes.

Putin is reportedly going to flood the area with security and police forces to keep everyone safe and Russia’s image untarnished. Bet he’s secretly wishing for the good ol’ days when he could enforce that a little more heavy handedly. Or maybe not since he’s so busy making horrid remarks about gays.

No one has booked a choir to sing Kumbaya every morning.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Merry Christmas and I hope no one you know found coal in their stocking this morning.

There are some people I’ve never met (but whom I have read about) who could probably use some coal as a wake-up reminder. With a note. Maybe “Hey! Pay attention!” or “No more insanity, please” or “It’s time to compromise and get some work done.” Or something like that.

I also hope that the US athletes got an extra helping of speed and strength in their stockings. Yes, I’m already thinking about Sochi. Just in case you weren’t sure, the Winter Olympics (2014) will be held February 7-23. I don’t have tickets, but you can join me (virtually—you still need to go to classes) for the occasional TV viewing.

Which raises a very interesting question. How do you allocate time between classes, studying, and watching the Olympics when you’re at college?

In general, this only happens once during your college career. The summer Olympics shows up (conveniently) during the summer when the majority of college kids are not in school. Other mega sporting happenings are often one-day events (like the Super Bowl and the National Mud Wrestling Championship) so they only eat into your study time for a short window. But the Winter Olympics are An Event and if you let yourself you could easily sacrifice an entire semester to cheering on the downhill skiing hopefuls.

Therefore, Being the Kind of Mother I Am, I want you to know that I shall be providing Insight and Commentary on the Winter Olympics (2014) so that you can easily and quickly get a short summary and not have to sacrifice more than a brief moment of Bio II to keep up with the news. You’re welcome.

To all those celebrating, I wish you a Merry Christmas and Peace and Happiness throughout the Year.

Love, Mom

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