Dear Kid,

Udderly weird facts about cows.

There are approximately 340-350 squirts in a gallon of milk.

Cows may smell bad, but they have a great sense of smell. They can smell something up to 6 miles away. They hear really well too. Cows can hear lower and higher frequencies better than humans. I have no idea how this helps them.

It takes 12 pounds of whole milk to make one gallon of ice cream. And 21.2 pounds of whole milk to make one pound of butter. (Speaking of butter, the yellow color comes from beta-carotene in the grass cows eat.)

Cows are social animals, and they naturally form large herds. Within the herd, cows make friends and bond to some herd members, while avoiding others. No word on whether they start nasty rumors about the ones they don’t much like.

A cow’s normal body temperature is 101.5°F. Which makes them really hot stuff. And keeps the butter melted.

Love, Mom

Tomorrow: How to tell the difference between cows and college students.

Dear Kid,

Turns out that people are visiting Hawaii. This is not exactly news since people have been visiting Hawaii for years. But all of a sudden People We Are Related To are visiting (without taking me, I should point out) and it seemed like a good time to learn about our 50th state.

There will be a test. (There will not be a trip, but it is possible someone may send you a postcard.)

Hawaii means ‘place of the gods’ or ‘homeland.’ The state nickname is the ‘Aloha State’ (Aloha is one of the most used words in Hawaiian Language). Aloha is used as both ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye.’ Quick—name another language in which the same word is used for both hello and goodbye.

There are only 13 letters in the Hawaiian alphabet and every word—and syllable—ends with a vowel. It’s not clear how many times you have to sing the Hawaiian alphabet song while you wash your hands.

I assume you know what a lei is (no college humor jokes, please). It’s a symbol of affection, but it comes with Rules. Of the Serious variety.

You must never refuse a lei or remove it in front of the person who gave it to you. You must never wear a lei you intend to give to someone else (it’s just rude).

A lei should not be thrown away. It should be returned to the earth (ideally to where the flowers were gathered).

Never, ever give a tied lei to a pregnant woman—it’s very bad luck.

Speaking of rules, billboards are illegal in Hawaii. Snakes are outlawed (except in zoos). And no buildings on Kauai can be taller than a palm tree.

If you’re in Hawaii, you’re a minority. Or there are no minorities depending on how you look at these things. It would take far more work that I plan to put in to figure out which numbers are correct (My Friend the Internet is supplying lots of inconsistent data on this topic), but diversity runs by itself there. You may create a Pie Chart on your own time if you like.

Obviously, diversity is a good thing since Hawaii has the highest life expectancy in the US. Although that may be because they eat more Spam per capita than anywhere else in the country. Or possibly it has something to do with the fact that Hawaiians are all living in paradise and they want to stick around to enjoy it.

Tune in (probably tomorrow) for Part Next of Hawaii.

Aloha!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Rumor has it you are in the middle of a tough week, liberally peppered with exams. Since I can’t help at all with the subjects you’re studying (sorry), I thought I might help by providing you with a small moment of Important Education in Other Matters.

Not So Important Facts You Won’t Learn During Exam Week

Scientists say the higher your I.Q. the more you dream. Clearly, I am a genius because I dream regularly. And I have really weird dreams.

The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razorblades. This is not a good reason to eat a razor blade. It is a good reason to wonder what your stomach is made out of that it can take all that acid.

It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. It takes even less time to attach to your hips. Unless you’re a boy-type person in which case you’ve probably burned off more calories just by chewing.

Your thumb is approximately the same size as your nose. I have no idea why that might be useful information, but it gives a slightly different slant to the phrase “thumb one’s nose at.”

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s. Especially when James Bond walks into the room. Or when she is in the presence of great shoes.

When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year. Clearly, that is when the bottle is newly opened, because the ketchup at the end of the bottle travels at a (scientifically proven) speed of not-at-all. Until you whack the bottom of the bottle and it all goes flying out on your new white shirt.

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9,000 years old. This is obviously not true, because even the worst housekeeper would find a piece of chewing gum that old and throw it out. Even I don’t have dust that is 9,000 years old. Although some of the dust dragons are getting close.

Good luck this week, kiddo.

Love, Mom