Posts Tagged "unicorns"

You Don’t Seem Like Yourself, Trump, and Tattooed Unicorns

Dear Kid,

“You don’t seem like yourself today.”

I’ve always wanted to respond, “Oh, really? Who do I seem like?” but I never have.

“Are you OK? You don’t seem quite right.” “Have you seen John today? He doesn’t quite seem like himself.”

What does it mean to be not yourself? Does it mean someone else has taken over your body? And if so, do you hope this new visitor will take you out for lunch and a haircut?

Do you get to pick who you are if you’re not yourself? I think I’ll be Donald Trump today…

When I was in college, I was often uncomfortable at parties where I didn’t know anyone. I’d pretend to be a friend of mine who was gorgeous and outgoing—it was easier to be her than to be me. I generally ended up somewhere between the two of us which was OK.

When people say “you don’t seem like yourself” I think they generally mean “you don’t seem quite as chipper as you normally do.” They never mean “well, you’re in a good mood for a change.”

And yet our less-than-chipper moods are part of us. We all have times when the unicorns and butterflies have grown fangs and gotten Goth tattoos.

Maybe when people say “you don’t seem like yourself today” they mean “is everything ok?” Maybe it’s a way of checking in without being too pushy or direct. Although it always seems fairly pushy to me.

Hope you’re feeling like yourself today. Whichever mood of yours that might be. Because imho, you are a great person to be. Whether you have unicorns have tats or not.

Love, Mom

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Unicorn on the Moon and the Great Moon Hoax

Dear Kid,

Why there are no unicorns on the moon. DearKidLoveMom.mOnce upon a time (and by “once upon a time,” I mean August 25, 1835), there was an article in the New York Sun (a newspaper) announcing that life had been discovered on the moon. It was the first in a series of six articles the paper ran.

The articles claimed to be reprints from articles written by Dr. Andrew Grant that were published in the Edinburgh Journal of Science (this was credible because Edinburgh is closer to the moon than New York).

In the articles, Dr. Grant described animals on the moon including unicorns, two-legged beavers, and furry, winged humanoids (that looked something like bats). He also described rushing rivers and lush vegetation (obviously the unicorns and beavers liked baths followed by a great veggie dinner).

People loved the stories and bought about a gazillion copies of the Sun. That was fantastic for everyone except Truth who felt ignored since the stories were completely made up. (There had been an Edinbugh Journal of Science, but it had been discontinued about a year earlier. Grant was complete fiction as were the furry, winged critters. The unicorns were fact, but generally overlooked since they blended so nicely with the ground.) Truth kicked a few people around for fun and then went off to cause problems elsewhere.

The Sun ran the articles partly because it seemed like fun (it was), partly in an effort to increase circulation (it did), and partly to make fun of earlier, serious speculations about extraterrestrial life (mission accomplished).

NOTE: While I adore fiction (especially fiction with furry creatures and two-legged beavers), “making things up” is not widely recognized as an accepted research methodology.

A committee of scientists from Yale (which makes them a Committee), went to New York to see the Edinburgh Journal articles. The Sun employees sent the Committee Members hither and yon, from office to office, from editor to printing area and basically bamboozled them. The Scientists never realized they’d been fooled. The Sun employees had an absolutely marvelous time.

NOTE: Misleading and bamboozling professors is not widely recognized as an accepted methodology for successfully defending research.

A few weeks later the Sun admitted they’d made the whole things up. No one seemed to mind very much except the unicorns, who (once they realized they’d been made up) vanished immediately.

Which is why, O Best Beloved, astronauts never found a trace of unicorns on the moon.

Love, Mom

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