Dear Kid,

I thought almond milk was a newfangled invention.

I thought wrong.

Almond milk has been around since the first rock fell on an almond. During the Middle Ages, almond milk was frequently used because it didn’t spoil as quickly as cow’s milk (what with the lack of refrigeration that made a difference). Almond milk was also an approved drink during Lent.

Just because the rest of the world has been making and drinking almond milk forever, doesn’t mean we here in the US paid any attention. In point of fact, cows dominated the milk scene in the US for a long time (and by “for a long time” I mean since the US was invented).

In case you were wondering how to make almond milk, it’s pretty straightforward.

Step 1. Plant an almond tree.

Step 2. Wait for almonds to grow.

As the waiting and growing can take some time, you might skip those steps and proceed to the nearest grocery store to procure almonds. (The almond milk makers of the medieval times did not have that luxury.)

Step 3. Nosh on some of the almonds.

Step 4. Toss almonds into a blender (unless you time travel back to medieval times in which case start looking for rocks) with some water. Blend until thoroughly smooshed.

Step 5. Strain out the pulp.

Step 6. Wonder why you went to all that trouble when you could have just picked up a carton of almond milk when you were at the grocery store.

Fun fact: 1 liter of commercially prepared almond milk has (approximately) the same nutritional content as 16 almonds. And has the added benefit of not leaving little bits in your teeth.

Now you know.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The weather forecasters are predicting snow.

A lot of snow. Many airlines canceled flights more than 24 hours in advance of possible white stuff. (Yes, ridiculous.)

People are rushing hither and thither laying in provisions for the impending storm. Milk? Check. Bread? Check. Toilet paper? Check.

My first question is: Didn’t you people think you’d need those things even if there wasn’t a snow storm? What is it about snow that causes you to drink more moo and carb out?

I turned to My Friend the Internet for help, and you’ll never believe what I learned.

It has snowed before.

Seriously.

It has even stormed before.

This is not a once in a lifetime event!

You’d never know that from the way people are behaving, but ‘tis true.

Way back in The Day (and by “The Day” I mean days the 1800s and before) people frequently died during snow storms. This may have been because people got caught in the storm, or because no one had invented handwarmers. But it’s probably because they didn’t have enough milk and bread.

In more recent years, deaths by snow storm have gone down considerably. This is partly because we’re better at forecasting (which mostly just shows how bad forecasting used to be) and because we have indoor heat. But mostly because we don’t have a toilet paper shortage.

So if the white death hits, stay warm, stay safe, wear your hat and mittens, and—most importantly—be sure you have enough milk and bread.

Love, Mom

Another good way to stay warm is to share DearKidLoveMom.com.

Dear Kid,

Udderly weird facts about cows.

There are approximately 340-350 squirts in a gallon of milk.

Cows may smell bad, but they have a great sense of smell. They can smell something up to 6 miles away. They hear really well too. Cows can hear lower and higher frequencies better than humans. I have no idea how this helps them.

It takes 12 pounds of whole milk to make one gallon of ice cream. And 21.2 pounds of whole milk to make one pound of butter. (Speaking of butter, the yellow color comes from beta-carotene in the grass cows eat.)

Cows are social animals, and they naturally form large herds. Within the herd, cows make friends and bond to some herd members, while avoiding others. No word on whether they start nasty rumors about the ones they don’t much like.

A cow’s normal body temperature is 101.5°F. Which makes them really hot stuff. And keeps the butter melted.

Love, Mom

Tomorrow: How to tell the difference between cows and college students.