Dear Kid,

Not everything on the internet is true.

(Shocking, I know. Take a minute to compose yourself if you need to.)

Sometimes there is even conflicting information on the internet. (I’ll wait while you get a cool cloth and lie down for a few moments.)

Let’s take a random example that I just learned about: Bulletproof coffee.

Last week I met a woman who drinks Bulletproof coffee. Well, technically, I’d met her before last week, but it was last week that I found out she drinks Bulletproof coffee. Well, technically, I learned that she drinks coffee with Irish butter made with milk from grass-fed cows. Which I now know is called Bulletproof coffee.

So last week I heard about this for the first time. And a few nights ago I learned that it’s called Bulletproof coffee. And a chiropractor told me that adding butter or coconut oil to coffee is excellent for feeding one’s brain.

I like the idea of brain food. I like the idea of black coffee. I like the idea of investigating things by consulting My Friend the Internet.

It turns out the idea of Bulletproof coffee was invented introduced named by a dude who has done an exceptional job of marketing a recipe. Whether Bulletproof coffee provides incredible brain boosts, stems hunger, and creates unicorns that poop rainbows is still up for debate.

But since I live for science (stop laughing) I decided to do some experimentation to see what I could learn. (Seriously, stop laughing. When “experimentation” = “drink coffee” I’m all in.)

I did not purchase the ridiculous expensive upgraded coffee that the Bulletproof coffee website promotes because A) expensive and B) I didn’t have time to wait for it to ship. So I used my happy K-Cup in my happy coffee maker. Which I’m sure completely invalidates the science of it, but there you go. I’m a mom, not a scientist, so what do I care? I also did not purchase the medium-chain oil (please don’t ask me what that is exactly because I didn’t research that far), nor did I whip the whole thing together in the blender, because First Thing In The Morning. Perhaps I made faux bulletproof coffee. Bullet-resistant coffee?

Day 1 I made coffee and put coconut oil into it. It tasted like coffee. With a very vague hint of coconut but not really.

A few hours later it occurred to me that I should probably not be conducting experiments that involve analyzing the first cup of coffee of the day because I’m barely awake at that point.

Day 2 I made coffee and put Irish butter into it. Tasty, not at all unpleasant, but the butter took my lipstick off. Not the end of the world, but not a beauty booster.

The butter coffee was my second cup of coffee of the day, so I was awake enough to actually taste it.

My conclusion (because experiments, if I recall correctly) are supposed to have conclusions): Bulletproof coffee tastes fine, possibly even better than fine. I did not experience the euphoria the website promised, nor was I free from all hunger and cravings for the next many hours. (Minutes, yes. Hours, no.)

Would I again try bulletproof coffee? Sure. If I can figure out how to do it without calories. And figure out the whole unicorn thing.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

You may not have noticed, but there is a great deal of confusion in the world today.

I will leave it to others (and by “others” I mean not me) to attempt to unconfused the little problems like global warming, pollution, and why there are no good TV shows on Friday night.

I want to tackle the big confusion of the day. The pressing problem that leaves people scratching their heads and stroking their beards (the ones left over from November and Thank Goodness most of those have been shaved off).

So without further ado, here are Some A Bunch Count ‘Em Yourself Several Ways to Tell the Difference Between College Students and Cows.

Most people think that cows have four stomachs. That’s actually not true. They have just one stomach with four chambers. College students also only have one stomach. They just eat enough to fill four.

Moos aren’t the only sound cows make! Calves make a sound called bawling, while bulls bellow. College students make a lot of different sounds, some of which are even slightly more intelligible than bawling or bellowing.

Cows can live more than 20 years. Sometimes college students feel they age 20 years during finals week.

The average domestic cow sleeps only about four hours a day. The average college students only sleeps about four hours a day during exams. At all other times, the average college student is awake only about four hours a day.

Cows can walk up a flight of stairs, but once there, they can’t walk back down. Their knees just don’t bend the right way. Under certain circumstances, the same can be said for college students. Cows end up stuck. College students usually solve the problem by falling down the stairs.

Cows can’t vomit. College students can. And frequently prove it.

The typical cow stands up and sits down about 14 times a day. Don’t ask me to explain this one as I’ve never seen a cow sit. I have seen college students sit.

An average dairy cow weighs about 1,200 pounds, the same as an average college linebacker.

The average cow drinks 30 to 50 gallons of water each day. This is more than most college students guzzle. Of any beverage.

Now you know.

Love, Mom

As a reminder, you already know Udderly Weird Facts About Cows

Dear Kid,

Udderly weird facts about cows.

There are approximately 340-350 squirts in a gallon of milk.

Cows may smell bad, but they have a great sense of smell. They can smell something up to 6 miles away. They hear really well too. Cows can hear lower and higher frequencies better than humans. I have no idea how this helps them.

It takes 12 pounds of whole milk to make one gallon of ice cream. And 21.2 pounds of whole milk to make one pound of butter. (Speaking of butter, the yellow color comes from beta-carotene in the grass cows eat.)

Cows are social animals, and they naturally form large herds. Within the herd, cows make friends and bond to some herd members, while avoiding others. No word on whether they start nasty rumors about the ones they don’t much like.

A cow’s normal body temperature is 101.5°F. Which makes them really hot stuff. And keeps the butter melted.

Love, Mom

Tomorrow: How to tell the difference between cows and college students.