Dear Kid,

There are times when what you wear matters very little.

IMPORTANT CAVEAT: I’m assuming that all the important bits (and a lot of the unimportant ones) are covered and more or less held in place. I’m assuming that the garments in question are relatively clean. I’m assuming no highly offensive slogans or sayings. And I’m assuming the clothes fit. Big assumptions, but there you go.

For example, no one really cares what you wear to 8am classes. No one really cares what you wear while you’re studying in your dorm room. No one cares what you wear to the library during exam week.

Within reasonable limits, no one cares what you wear to the gym (as long as you have closed-toed shoes on your feet). No one cares what you wear to wash your car or walk your dog. Absolutely no one cares what you wear to watch TV while you’re in the privacy of your own home (except maybe the people who share that home with you).

There are lots of times and places where what you wear really doesn’t make a difference.

Work is not one of those times or places.

When you are at work, you need to dress reasonably. Just because you can wear a particular item doesn’t mean you should. You need to wear things that are appropriate for your work situation. (I know you do. But there are lots of people who don’t.) So here are 15 ways to tell you’re not dressed appropriately.

1. When you say, “I could sleep in this”, that might be a clue that you’re not dressed appropriately.
2. When your undergarments show and you’re not a lingerie model, you’re not dressed appropriately.
3. When you bend over and someone compares you to a plumber, you’re not dressed appropriately.
4. When someone says, “Oh, I used to have one of those!”, you’re probably not dressed appropriately.
5. When you’re dressed like you’re going to a sporting event, you’re not dressed appropriately.
6. When a colleague of the opposite gender asks where you bought your outfit, in all likelihood you’re not dressed appropriately.
7. When you’re wearing shoes that cause you to walk less elegantly than a newborn giraffe, you’re not dressed appropriately.
8. When people can tell the color and style of your undies, you’re not dressed appropriately.
9. When you’re wearing something you would wear to watch TV or to study for a final exam, you’re not dressed appropriately.
10. When you’re wearing something that shows more skin than a Victoria’s Secret model, you’re not dressed appropriately.
11. When you’re wearing something the Village People might wear, you’re not dressed appropriately.
12. When your clothes cut off your circulation, you’re not dressed appropriately (this is not the Age of the Corset).
13. If you can wear your outfit to the gym and only change your footwear to work out, you’re not dressed appropriately.
14. When a coworker says, “Aren’t you freezing?” and she’s referring to your outfit and not the thermostat, you’re not dressed appropriately.
15. When you can’t figure out how to sit down in a meeting because it might lead to showing things you hadn’t planned to show, you are not dressed appropriately.

Feel free to share this article anonymously with anyone who violates one or more of these.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Excuse me while I jot a brief letter to Not You.

Dear Vast Majority of People,

Get A Grip.

I’m not sure who is in charge of the world, but I’m pretty sure it’s not you. Please do not take upon yourself to “correct” all that is wrong with the world, because A) no single person or group can possibly fix everything all at once and B) no one appointed you Head of All Things.

Thank you.

Mom

There are problems in the world right now. Ferries are crashing, planes are disappearing, Russia is annexing territory faster than makeup trends change. But now we have entered a whole new season of nonsense: Prom Season.

Prom Season is its own kind of crazy.

Every year some people get a little loco around appropriate attire. With good reason. Sometimes girls wear dresses cut up to here or down to there and it’s a bit more than a bit much.

BUT

If there isn’t a policy about what one can or can’t wear, prom officials need to keep quiet. Oh, they can frown disapprovingly and whisper to each other how no one dressed like that in their day. (They didn’t. They had other inappropriate clothing.) But you can’t throw a kid out because her dress is too short if you don’t tell people they can’t wear dresses less than an inch long.

MOREOVER

You can’t throw a kid out of prom because you just happen not to want to wear what they are wearing.

SPECIFICALLY

You can’t throw a girl out of a prom because she is wearing red skinny jeans—unless perhaps that’s all she’s wearing which wasn’t the case in this instance.

Shafer Rupard from Cherryville, N.C. (population: not very many) was thrown out of her prom for wearing red skinny jeans. All of her body parts that should be covered were covered. In fact, I’d venture to guess she was more covered than the vast majority of the girls in attendance.

When the teacher-chaperone approached her about her attire, Shafer thought it was the leather jacket and baseball cap that were the problem and offered to take them off.

Not so, not so. It was the red skinny jeans.

Did I mention there was no dress code?

I have several thoughts about the teacher-chaperone in question (about whom no one is talking) ranging from “What were you thinking?” to “I bet you’re jealous you can’t fit in those jeans” and covering other non-complimentary acreage I wouldn’t want to print here.

And Shafer still hasn’t gotten an apology. Which may be the worst attire issue of all.

The point is: people have got to get a grip.

Love, Mom