Dear Kid,

There are times when what you wear matters very little.

IMPORTANT CAVEAT: I’m assuming that all the important bits (and a lot of the unimportant ones) are covered and more or less held in place. I’m assuming that the garments in question are relatively clean. I’m assuming no highly offensive slogans or sayings. And I’m assuming the clothes fit. Big assumptions, but there you go.

For example, no one really cares what you wear to 8am classes. No one really cares what you wear while you’re studying in your dorm room. No one cares what you wear to the library during exam week.

Within reasonable limits, no one cares what you wear to the gym (as long as you have closed-toed shoes on your feet). No one cares what you wear to wash your car or walk your dog. Absolutely no one cares what you wear to watch TV while you’re in the privacy of your own home (except maybe the people who share that home with you).

There are lots of times and places where what you wear really doesn’t make a difference.

Work is not one of those times or places.

When you are at work, you need to dress reasonably. Just because you can wear a particular item doesn’t mean you should. You need to wear things that are appropriate for your work situation. (I know you do. But there are lots of people who don’t.) So here are 15 ways to tell you’re not dressed appropriately.

1. When you say, “I could sleep in this”, that might be a clue that you’re not dressed appropriately.
2. When your undergarments show and you’re not a lingerie model, you’re not dressed appropriately.
3. When you bend over and someone compares you to a plumber, you’re not dressed appropriately.
4. When someone says, “Oh, I used to have one of those!”, you’re probably not dressed appropriately.
5. When you’re dressed like you’re going to a sporting event, you’re not dressed appropriately.
6. When a colleague of the opposite gender asks where you bought your outfit, in all likelihood you’re not dressed appropriately.
7. When you’re wearing shoes that cause you to walk less elegantly than a newborn giraffe, you’re not dressed appropriately.
8. When people can tell the color and style of your undies, you’re not dressed appropriately.
9. When you’re wearing something you would wear to watch TV or to study for a final exam, you’re not dressed appropriately.
10. When you’re wearing something that shows more skin than a Victoria’s Secret model, you’re not dressed appropriately.
11. When you’re wearing something the Village People might wear, you’re not dressed appropriately.
12. When your clothes cut off your circulation, you’re not dressed appropriately (this is not the Age of the Corset).
13. If you can wear your outfit to the gym and only change your footwear to work out, you’re not dressed appropriately.
14. When a coworker says, “Aren’t you freezing?” and she’s referring to your outfit and not the thermostat, you’re not dressed appropriately.
15. When you can’t figure out how to sit down in a meeting because it might lead to showing things you hadn’t planned to show, you are not dressed appropriately.

Feel free to share this article anonymously with anyone who violates one or more of these.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It’s OK to still be a kid. Age has nothing to do with it.

As a Sage recently (and helpfully) pointed out, there is a world of difference between being childish and being childlike.

Child-ish in someone no longer in single digits (age-wise) is generally not a good thing. It implies all the whiney, self-centered behaviors we generally associate with a tired and hungry three year old. (Not a pleasant being.)

Child-like on the other hand is wonderful in a person of any number of digits (age-wise). It implies having a carefree spirit, being able to enjoy the little things, putting aside the “I’m too old for that” attitude.

As a sage-ette pointed out, time and place have a lot to do with the appropriateness of behavior too. Running up and down the aisle at a funeral with child-like abandon is not appropriate. At the same time, dressing somberly and looking like you are contemplating a significant business deal at a kid’s birthday party is equally out of place.

College is a time to balance being an adult but not losing all ability to be child-like.

As I may have mentioned once or twice, we miss out on a lot of fun stuff when we decide we’re too old, too mature, too whatever to enjoy life.

While we didn’t get to go to EPCOT the other day, I hope you have plenty of opportunity in 2014 to practice child-like joy.

Love, Mom