Dear Kid,

Today we learn new words. Unfortunately, none of them are printable. My Friend the Internet has let me down.

Somehow, I managed to install some malware on my computer. My computer is not amused about this and neither am I.

I took my computer in to my friend Sean yesterday. Sean joined us in being unamused. Then Sean started teaching me the New Words.

The New Words did not impress my computer which explained to Sean where it hurt and that the malware had gotten its hooks in deeper than anyone should need to know about.

I suggested using Carbonite (I love Carbonite) to back up to before I installed the Ick. Sean found this to be the funniest statement of the day and almost choked on his pancakes. Then he explained that what I’d suggested was the digital equivalent of changing the bed linens to cure a broken leg. Won’t make things worse, but won’t do anything to help solve the problem.

We went back to the New Words.

Sean, who is a good guy (I’m being super nice because I still need his help) found the Detailed Directions for removing the bad files and then the bad stuff that went Deeper than Deep.

Last night I tried to follow the Detailed Directions. Find the Control Panel: Check. Find the Bad Files: Check. Uninstall files: chec—oops. I was able to uninstall all the files—except the Biggest, Baddest, Nastiest, Spawn-spewing file.

Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect a clean computer.

I’m taking my computer back to My Good Friend Sean today. I have no doubt his genius will be able to fix this problem before you can say Hot Dog Eating Contest.

(Yes, I’m sucking up—I need help.)

Meanwhile, the malware is making me Absolutely Crazy.

Please feel free to send get-well emails to my computer baby and keep yourself malware-free.

Love, Mom