Dear Kid,

You’d think we (and by “we” I mean human beings in general) would learn.

Well, you might think that.

And to a small extent you’d be correct. Hopefully, you are learning a great deal (see my thoughts on college students studying if you’re not clear about what I’m implying).

But as a species, we really aren’t that bright.

We’re smarter than most mud, but only barely as the Darwin Awards so beautifully illustrate every year.

Evolution is slow. Cars are fast. It’s not necessarily a good combination.

September 10, 1897, a London taxi driver with the generic sounding name George Smith was drinking. My Friend The Internet (in the one article I so thoroughly researched) did not specify what he was drinking, so I’ll assume he stopped by the pub for a quick pint with his buddies. As so often happens, one thing led to another, in this case “one thing” being a pint and “another” being another pint (or 12).

George then thought it would be a brilliant idea to drive off. In point of fact, he did drive off—right off the road and into a building. This marked the first time someone was arrested for drunk driving.

It did not mark the last.

The first device to measure drunken-ness was Mrs. P.J. Zonker of Roanoke, Virginia. Mrs. Zonker could tell at 1,000 paces if Mr. P.J. Zonker had even been thinking about drinking. Mrs. P.J. Zonker came from a long line of women who were able to identify a whole raft of impure thoughts and breaths. But since Mrs. P.J. was the first to write about it in her diary, she’s the one who gets the credit.

Some amount of time later (and by “some amount of time” I mean in 1936), Dr. Rolla Harger invented the Drunkometer (I kid you not) which was the forerunner of the Breathalyzer (which Harger later co-invented). The way a Breathalyzer works is by measuring the alcohol vapors in a person’s breath which is an indication of the amount of alcohol in their blood. Too much alcohol and the Breathalyzer bings! Once it bings! a series of events occurs starting with handcuffs and ending with jail time, a suspended license, and the insurance companies rubbing their GLPs (greedy little paws) together in glee. This is NOTHING compared to what your parents will do.

Do not drink and drive. Do not drink and even think of driving. Do not breathe and think of getting in a car with a driver who has been drinking anything stronger than apple juice.

Love, Mom