Dear Kid,

Sometimes people expect too much of me.

I was talking with a friend of mine who is something of a fitness junkie. She’s not an “expert” in the traditional sense of having obtained a certificate suitable for framing from some institution declaring her expertise. And she herself would deny that she’s an expert (she’s really quite modest). But she knows A Heck of A Lot about fitness.

“Bodies are made in the kitchen,” she said, telling me far more about her parents than I really needed to know, because I was simultaneously thinking “How uncomfortable” and “Don’t be ridiculous—brownies are made in the kitchen.”

Sensing that neither would be an appropriate comment, I kept my mouth shut.

“Bodies are sculpted in the gym,” she continued. I have got to figure out when she goes to the gym because somehow I keep missing the day my body is supposed to get sculpted.

Scuttled? Yes. Scuttlebutt? Sure, why not. Scurvy? I try not to. Scum? Ick. Scuba? Quite possibly. But sculpted? I seem to keep missing that one.

“It’s important to give your body what it needs,” she continued. My body NEEDS brownies. And coffee. And brownies with coffee.

“Are you getting enough sleep?” my friend asked me. Finally, something we can completely agree on: sleep is good. Naps are great.

Satisfied that I was well rested, she moved on.

“Snacks are good,” she said. Hooray! I love snacks. They are my fourth, fifth, sixth, and ninth favorite meals of the day. “You could have a couple of almonds.” As in a couple of cups of almonds? No? You mean eat 3 almonds. And then stop? Seriously? What planet is this woman from?

I voted to go back to the sleeping part of the conversation. I’m reasonably good at sleeping. I was ignored.

So not only is this the Summer of Cleaning (yeah, I have got to get back to that) it appears to be the Summer of Getting in Shape.

Right after my nap.

Love, Mom