Dear Kid,

“Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.” For example, I happen to think that Booker is adorable but not everyone might agree with me. Wait…everyone thinks Booker is adorable. Bad example.

How about this? I love the color purple. There are probably some poor, misguided people in the world who don’t adore purple. All we can do is feel sorry for them, repeat that Beauty is the Eye of the Beholder, and hope that they go to the eye doctor soon to get their Beauty Appreciation Levels checked.

(Isn’t it uncomfortable to have Beauty in your eye when you’re wearing contacts? Never mind. Moving on.)

The point is that intelligent people can have different views about what is or is not attractive. The great news is you don’t have to look through their eyes (also, presumably uncomfortable). And while intelligent people can disagree, most people agree that these Five Things Can Make Even a Stunner Seem Pretty Unattractive.

Smoking. Back in the seriously olden days, cigarette ads (see? Olden days when there were such things as cigarette ads) portrayed smoking as cool. Movies still sometimes do (but then again, movies also show scary creatures with too many teeth eating the universe, so not sure the cinema is a good source of reality). There is very little that is even mildly attractive about someone huffing and puffing and squinting when the smoke gets in their eyes and having nicotine stains and smelling like stale smoke and turning their lungs black. Ew.

Bad manners. I’m not talking about forgetting to hold the door open occasionally or forgetting to text your grandmother thank you for the latest care package. (HINT!) I’m talking about chewing with your mouth open or stuffing an entire piece of pizza into your face at once. Or—never mind. I can’t even bring myself to illustrate the myriad of ways people can be disgusting and make you say to yourself, “never mind, I’ll pass.”

Potty mouth. Even the best of us are likely to say something like “Son of a SQUID” when we hammer our thumb instead of a nail or “daaaaaaammmmn” when the Bengals throw a last minute TD to tie the score and send the game into overtime (and then go on to lose which really, do people NOT get the point that you should trust the kicker?). But when every other word is the something that would raise an eyebrow among hardened sailors, it’s just not reasonable anymore. Swearing can get in the way of anything resembling a conversation. Who needs it?

Inappropriate behavior. Again, not talking about the little things like bumping into someone taking their first sip of coffee at Starbucks. I’m not even talking about the big things like accidentally throwing a bottle in the garbage rather than into the recycling bin. I’m talking about the really bad stuff like inappropriate touching or talking to someone in a way that just makes them feel uncomfortable. No one in the world has ever said, “Oh, look at that stud. He’s making someone feel bad. I so hope he’ll ask me out.”

Inappropriate clothing. I get that there are different standard of dress for going to an 8am college class than for having tea with the Queen. But there are standards nonetheless. Clothing is meant to enhance a person’s appearance (and protect them from frostbite while not getting in the way while they flee from a pursuing wooly mammoth). When someone wears clothes 2 sizes too small (extra points if you get the reference) and people stare in horror and whisper, “how is it possible she looked in the mirror this morning and thought “dang, I look good!”?” the standard has been missed. Or when someone is wearing a muscle T-Shirt (without the muscles) and you think to yourself “TMI—I did NOT need to know the shape of the mole on his back,” they have missed the standard. Very few people will be saying, “Gotta get me some of that!”

Not all of us are ANTM (America’s Next Top Model) candidates. Most of us will not stop traffic with our stunning good looks (except maybe in Rome where traffic is a perpetual mess). Very few of us will be remembered centuries from now with a sigh and “ahhhhh, what a beauty.” On the other hand, none of us need to be the poster child for What Not to Do.

Hope your cold is getting better, kiddo.

Love, Mom

The Grinch was born with a heart two sizes too small.