Dear Kid,

It’s Turkey Day! The bird is basting, the cranberries are cooking, the salad is assembled, and there is much football and tryptophan to come. Also a parade of upside-down puppets.

Since we will be gobbling the gobbler later (theoretically, anyway. Turns out only male turkeys gobble and children of mine eat politely—but the wording was too good to pass up.), I thought you might like to learn something about the birds.

IMHO, turkeys are only attractive when nicely roasted with fixings nearby. They are not likely to be winners in the Miss Universe–Bird Edition reality show. Also, they are dangly. Both male and female turkeys have a snood (the dangly thing on their faces) and a wattle (the red dangly thing under their chin). Neither gender is blessed with many head feathers (and the few that are there are generally dangly).

Male turkeys are directly related to chameleons as their head and wattle can change color with excitement or emotion. Pretty female walks by—color change. Ready to fight—color change. No reliable research on gender bending turkeys.

Speaking of gender, one (not me) can tell a turkey’s gender from its droppings–males produce spiral-shaped poop and females have poop that is shaped like the letter J.

While they won’t win the beauty part of the pageant, turkeys will probably do well in the geography portion of the contest because they can learn precise details of huge areas. There isn’t a geography portion of the contest? Stinks to be a turkey.

Turkeys are intelligent and sensitive animals that are highly social. They create lasting social bonds with each other and are very affectionate.

A full-grown turkey has 3,500 feathers. Why someone would bother to count is beyond me.

Turkeys are omnivorous and will try many different foods. To my knowledge no turkey has ever eaten haggis, but what do I know.

Alaska and Hawaii are the only two states without extensive wild turkey populations. I have not been able to get reliable data on the number of turkey tourists.

The average weight of a turkey purchased at Thanksgiving is 15 pounds. The largest turkey ever raised was 86 pounds. I have no idea where someone found an oven big enough for that bird.

White meat is the most popular part of the turkey, so turkeys have been bred to have huge breasts. (think the Dolly Parton of the bird world). Domesticated turkeys are no longer able to mate because their man boobs get in the way. (Baby turkeys are now made via artificial insemination. Bet that makes you think of a couple of jobs you’re just as glad not to have.)

Californians eat the most turkey in the United States. Funny, I would have guessed Washington, D.C.

The phrase “turkey shoot” comes from an early Thanksgiving tradition (late 19^th century) of tying turkeys behind logs on Thanksgiving morning with only their bald little heads showing. There would then be a marksmanship contest to shoot off the turkeys’ heads. Yum. I prefer watching the parade and not contemplating how the turkey got to the kitchen.

The most popular ways to serve leftover turkey are: sandwich, stew, chili/soup, casseroles, burgers, and the good, old-fashioned gnaw it off the bone. But leftovers are a discussion for tomorrow when there might be leftovers.

Gobble tov and Happy Thanksgiving!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

As I believe I have mentioned, we are in the Official Thanksgiving Season (according to me). My friend the internet and I were hanging out (exhausted from making pumpkin muffins, watching football, and updating my Facebook status), and we decided to take a peek at some interesting Thanksgiving facts.

The first thing we found is that you have to look really hard to find interesting Thanksgiving facts. There are a hefty number (I counted) of dull and well-known Thanksgiving facts. There are even some Highly Disputed Thanksgiving facts. But being the kind of mom I am, I kept at it and I am delighted to present to you

Some Interesting and Lesser Known Thanksgiving Facts (or at least factlettes)

Our Neighbors to the North (no, not the Millers, the Canadians) celebrate their Thanksgiving on the second Monday of October. They refer to our celebration as “Yanksgiving” which seems like it would be the most fun fact about Turkey Day ever, but wait!

To tell if a cranberry is ripe, bounce it. Seriously. Throw that puppy on the ground (when your mother isn’t watching) and if it bounces at least four inches it’s ready. How you do this before picking is beyond me.

The first Thanksgiving Day football game was in 1876. NBC immediately went out to find someone to invent television. Speaking of television…

Thanksgiving is the proud parent of TV dinners. In 1953, someone at Swanson over bought turkeys and they had 260 tons (as in tons) of frozen turkeys left over. While the purchasing manager went on to work for the federal government, Swanson used the left over birds as the basis for inventing TV dinners.

The pilgrims didn’t use forks; they ate with spoons, knives, and their fingers. Please remember that you are not a pilgrim.

Hoping you find some facts more relevant to your college classes.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I officially re-declare Thanksgiving week open. Refortified with ingredients, I spent the last two hours making pumpkin muffins (don’t forget to give some to your chauffeur when you come home from college).

Yesterday, Daddy and I went to see The Complete History of Comedy (abridged) by the Reduced Shakespeare Company. It was not quite as good as The Complete Works of Shakespeare (abridged) because it is darn hard to top the history plays as a football game, but it was very funny.

It is crazy cold here (your grandparents would probably refer to it as a trifle chilly). Dad went outside to do some yard work and Booker was begging to come back in where the heat is after only 5 minutes or so. He is now huddled over the heater vent, eyes mostly closed, basking in the warmth. I’m pretty sure he’d purr if he had the right equipment.

Because I am a Helpful Sort of Mom, I am making a list of Things You Don’t Have to Buy For Me. Ever. The first item on the list is Hostess’s Twinkie Maker (also available is a Hostess Cup Cake Maker which I equally don’t want). Available for you not to purchase at Kroger and other fine establishments. Seriously, how do they think of these things? And who has room to store such items? Don’t answer. I don’t think I really want to know.

Counting the days until you’re home.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I officially declare the Thanksgiving Games open. You can tell I’m serious because I cleaned off the entire kitchen island so I can work—only to discover I don’t have all the ingredients I need so guess where I’m going after the gym?

I’ve been thinking about the difficulty of coming home after having been on one’s own for a few months. It’s ridiculously easy in some ways. This is home. You know where your room is, you don’t have any problem helping yourself to something from the refrigerator, you know where you fit.

But in some ways it’s an odd adjustment. After months of no one asking when you’ll be home or where you’re going, you parents insist on knowing your plans. After not having had to participate in chores unless you chose to there is now a schedule and a pattern you’re expected to adhere to. After months of being a “college kid” being home can make you feel like you’ve taken a giant step back to high school days (without the early morning bus ride.)

A friend of mine shared this shirt with me. After I had a good giggle, I realized it reflects this push-me-pull-you (extra points if you get the reference) feeling. You want to be home and comfortable and surrounded by people and puppies who love you, but you’re not sure you’re ready to give up the freedom and self-reliance that comes with being part of the pack on a daily basis.

Coming home means being immersed again in all the love and comfort of home—and all the rules of home.

That’s a good thing (just in case you weren’t sure).

Can’t wait to see you in a few days!

Love, Mom

The Push-Me-Pull-You is from Doctor Doolittle

Dear Kid,

We are officially into the Thanksgiving Season. I know this because when I dropped Pi off this morning at Kids’ First (for her first training so she can work kids’ parties) there was a giant blow up turkey in the window. With a pilgrim’s hat. You’re going to a Thanksgiving dinner this evening (if I remember correctly), and half a zillion people are partaking in the highly public Facebook days of thankfulness.

I feel sort of sorry for Thanksgiving. It’s a great holiday and doesn’t get enough recognition (imho). I think part of the problem is that Thanksgiving is squished between Halloween and Christmas. And really, there aren’t that many turkeys out there that can compete with cute kids in princess or Batman costumes or dogs dressed up like Santa Claus. Even with a pilgrim hat (the turkey, not S. C.).

There isn’t a lot of great Thanksgiving music. “We Gather Together” has never (to the best of my knowledge) made the Top 20 Hit List, and I don’t see a big opportunity for a singing (gobbling?) turkey band.

Television and movies don’t pay a lot of attention to Thanksgiving (except for the commercials for Black Friday). I saw a commercial for a Thanksgiving-ish movie that’s coming out soon, but I can’t really think of annual Thanksgiving TV specials or movies that one automatically associates with Thanksgiving.

So here we have what may be the Perfect Holiday (food, football, shopping, and a parade [more about the parade in future posts]) and while it is by no means overlooked it seems sort of overshadowed. Then again, I’m not sure a bunch of people gobbling gobblers and watching football would make for a very heartwarming Hallmark Special.

Don’t let the turkeys get you down.

Love, Mom