Dear Kid,

Pull on the brakes and stop the presses because it turns out we’ve all been had.

The well-known Irish phrase “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya’” is well-known but not so Irish. It was invented by Hollywood to seem Irish.

And if that weren’t enough to stop your non-Irish eyes from smilin’, the well-known response “and the rest of the day to yourself” is also Hollywood fiction.

AND corned beef and cabbage is a distinctly Irish-American meal—quite probably borrowed from Jews in the neighborhood (in Ireland you’d be eating bacon, my friend).

The oldest and largest St. Patrick’s Day Parade is in—wait for it—New York City.

On the “it’s real” side of things, the wearing of the green really did originate in Ireland in the 17^th or 18^th century. Except they didn’t wear green clothing, they wore shamrocks (to symbolize the trinity). It was a rebellious act by Catholics (Catholicism was forbidden) to show their defiance of the ruling class. On the other hand, the original color associated with St. P was blue, so go figure.

As for green beer, not so much in Ireland. It’s an American invention (which does nothing to improve the taste of beer or the people who drink it).

And finally, as for Saint Patrick having banished the snakes from Ireland? Well, this would be about equivalent to me banishing the zebras from our house. We don’t have any zebras (and Ireland hasn’t had snakes since before the glaciers) so getting rid of them isn’t a big trick.

Having said all that…Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Kiss Me I’m Irish, because today everyone is Irish.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

There’s a video making the rounds (click here to view it) about odd ways to open beer bottles if you don’t happen to have an opener handy.

It’s another good argument for beer in cans. Or for drinking caffeine free diet coke. Not that anyone you know thinks that may be one of the top three beverages on earth.

In other non-news, I am completely hooked on Trivia Crack. This should not be a big surprise since many, many people are hooked. Or possibly even somewhat addicted.

Trivia Crack began in Latin America where its popularity on only sometimes second to vuvuzelas. Then it migrated to Spain, bounced back to Mexico, and traveled north to the US where it accounts for 60% of lost productivity in corporate America and room cleaning.

At least that’s what I’m going to blame the mess on.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Beer has been around forever. And by “forever” I mean since about 20 minutes after the proverbial apple.

Beer in cans, however, has only been around since January 24, 1935. This is still a reasonably long time, but in no way qualifies as “forever.”

In 1935, the American Can Company (well-known for giving me a partial scholarship to graduate school) teamed up with the Gottfried Krueger Brewing Company and put beer in cans for a test. The test-ees (and by “test-ees” I mean beer drinkers) thought the beer in cans was fine (drinking the beer probably helped) and beer in cans was born.

The American Can Company (motto: Yes, We Can [I just made that up—I’m probably not the first]) was delighted with the decision because they’d spend a great deal of time (and by “time” I mean time and money) developing a can that was pressurized (so as not to explode) and had a special coating (so as to keep the beer from reacting with the tin).

Within 3 months, Krueger’s (motto: Freddy isn’t related to us) was selling canned beer like crazy and happily taking market share from other brewers (motto: someone get us some cans!).

Turns out there were some real advantages to cans. In those days, bottles required a deposit, but cans did not. Cans were easier to stack, they didn’t break, and they took less time to chill. Cans also guarantee purity and taste by preventing light damage and oxidation which is why many microbrewers (like Madtree) prefer cans.

Cheers to the Cans (did I mention the scholarship help?)

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Yesterday I toured a beer brewery.

It was even cooler than it sounds.

Social Media Cincinnati had a gathering. They frequently have Saturday afternoon get-togethers on dates and at times that are particularly inconvenient, so I was very happy that I could get to this one. Also it had been waaaaay too long since I’d seen some of those folks.

The Gathering was at MadTree which you have never been to, partly because I’d never heard of it before this event and partly because you are underage.

But let me back up to tell you about getting there.

Now, there is no one alive who is going to say that I am the best navigator on the planet. I’m not the worst mind you, but if there were an Olympic sport in navigation, I’m quite sure the selection committee would bypass our house without a thought.

Fortunately, I had printed out the directions.

I was driving down I71, paying close attention to the traffic and all traffic laws, when the traffic stopped. And by “stopped” I mean “stopped.” Red lights, not moving, out of nowhere stopped. The car in front of me fishtailed wildly (no, it did not look like fun). I slammed on my brakes.

The good news: I did not hit the car in front of me and the car behind me did not hit me. Big “whew.” The less good news: my purse went flying. And by “flying” I mean crashed to the floor and spilled the contents pretty much everywhere. Guess where the directions were? If you guessed “in your purse” give yourself an extra point.

The good news: I remembered which exit to take. The less good news: I had no idea what to do after that.

When I got off the highway, there was a Home Depot right in front of me. Yippee (I thought to myself) I’ll just pull into the parking lot and grab the directions.

There was a very (very) long red light before I could pull into the HDPL (Home Depot Parking Lot). So I put the car in park and tried to reach for the directions.

Have you ever noticed that I am a short person? With correspondingly short arms? I could not reach the directions while I was buckled in. Even when I made the “ooooo I’m reaching” sound. As it was a very (very, very) long red light, I grabbed the lint roller (in the car to remove Booker fur as necessary). It was just long enough and there was just enough sticky stuff left to grab the paper with the directions.

You’ll be glad to know I got to MadTree, no problem.

There were lots of lovely, fun people there who you don’t know, so I won’t list them out. (Hi, lovely, fun people—it was great seeing you!)

MadTree is not only a taproom (place that sells beer) but a craft brewery. And they gave us a tour (I am a sucker for a fun tour). It was very interesting. MadTree doesn’t bottle their beer, they can it. (Cans are kinder to the beer and to the environment—apparently people are more inclined to recycle cans than they are to recycle bottles.) The canning line is small—it fills four cans at a time, which translates to an amazing 2 cases a minute.

It was all very nice and—you will be glad to know—I made it home without any mishaps.

Hope your day was equally intoxicating (figuratively speaking).

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

I had a brilliant idea last night for how to make a zillion dollars. We should create a calendar called College Men and Their Mascots. Think about it: You, the guitar, Rufus the Ohio University Bobcat. Rinse and repeat at other schools. I think it’s brilliant. Unless someone is already doing it in which case it’s less than brilliant. Either way, I’ll take a dozen copies.

It is a gorgeous day here in Southwest Ohio. You would not know about that since you are still fast asleep. Make a note: another reason to sleep at college is that mornings are (often) really nice times.

I have high hopes for getting everyone working together today to get some of the gardens cleaned up. The War of the Weeds is in full swing and I’m not sure the good guys (meaning me) are winning right now.

I’m also hoping to take a (figurative) weed whacker to the study today. During the Great Pre-Graduation Clean Up it became something of a dumping ground. I’d like to locate a desk somewhere under the piles of stuff. If I don’t emerge after about four hours, please send in a rescue squad to be sure I haven’t been eaten Little Shop of Horrors (The Desk) style.

The summer seems to be absolutely flying by. June is practically over and Pi comes home from camp in a week.

Today is Waffle Iron Day (I kid you not). Why anyone would devote an entire day to a waffle iron is a little beyond me. Waffles, yes. Waffle Iron? Not so much.

Also, on this day in history, the first canned beer went on sale, clearing the way for millions of men boys people nutjobs to make Crushing the Beer Can on Your Forehead a popular, if painful, pastime. It is worth noting that cans were made by the American Can Company which (several decades later) would award me a scholarship for graduate school. (I never entirely understood why, but it was very helpful and I am Most Appreciative.) Beer cans are also quite useful for making beer can chicken on the grill.

Try to remember there are no Points in Life handed out for hurting yourself with a beer can.

Love, Mom