Dear Kid,

This past weekend, we went to a college football game (and by “game” I mean the exact opposite of a game in which some people wore some parts of uniforms and some plays were run on an intrasquad basis. Occasionally a rule or two was even followed.)

But it was a beautiful spring day (I know! I was as surprised as everyone else in Ohio) and it was football and we had a lovely time.

You already know this because you took us.

You also know that I asked a question neither you nor Dad could answer (extra points for me). Specifically, I wanted to know what the “H” on the back of one of the official’s uniform meant. No one on the planet knew (and by “no one on the planet I mean neither you nor Dad knew). I spent some time thinking about it.

“Honorary Umpire” was my best guess once I decided that “Heaven Help Us All” and “Hurry Up with the Next Play” Person were out of the running.

But, being the kind of mom I am, I decided to consult MFtI and I am now an expert on football (the American kind) officiating.

Football officiating teams are supposed to operate like a well-oiled hierarchical machine. In order to avoid injury, there are special exercises designed specifically for the officials so that they avoid injury during a sharp blast of a whistle or a crisp yellow card. Oops, wrong football.

Officials are commonly called zebras because of their striped jerseys. (True Interesting Fact: officials used to wear white shirts, but when a quarterback handed college football referee Llyod Olds the ball at the start of a play, Lloyd got out his Sharpie and the shirts were changed. [OK, I made up the part about the Sharpie. The rest is true.])

If you are you, you call the officials Tweetie Birds, which I like even better than zebras. Attention, World: This is an official announcement that we are now referring to Tweetie Birds and leaving the zebras in the zoo.

On the back of each jersey is a letter indicating the role each official officially holds: Referee, Umpire, Head Linesman (AHA! The “H”!—the Head Linesman is now called the Down Judge but not everyone has gotten a new jersey), Line Judge, Back Judge, Side Judge, Center Judge (in Division I football), Field Judge, and Judge Judy.

Over the years the colors of the hats and jerseys have changed, but no one cares except the people who wash the laundry for the officials. (Who does that? Are there official equipment managers?)

The Referee is the Head Number One Supreme Honcho on the football field. Or at least he was until Instant Replay and the New Rules were introduced. Now he’s a figurehead who gets to explain complicated rulings that make everyone unhappy. If he’s in the mood and his mike is working. He’s also in charge of counting the number of offensive players on the field. At least until they start sweating, at which point everyone out there is pretty offensive. (Sweaty Stinky Man Smell times a lot of men. Lovely. Nose plugs given as part of the standard equipment package.)

The Umpire stands behind the defense and also counts offensive players (just in case there are a different number from the other direction). The Umpire is notable for being the only official wearing a vowel (the others have to buy their own vowels). The Umpire position is the most physically dangerous officiating position. The Umpire is also in charge of making sure all the players’ equipment is legal.

The Head Linesman (now called Down Judge) stands with the chain gang crew looking for offsides, encroachment, and other pre-snap fouls. He marks the forward progress of the ball and is the Keeper of the Chain Clip to mark the first down.

The Line Judge stands at the other end of the line of scrimmage from the Down Judge looking for all the same pre-snap infractions the DJ is looking for. The Line Judge also counts the offensive players because apparently the number of players is a BFD and One Can’t Be Too Sure. The Line Judge is also the timekeeper (or backup timekeeper).

The Field Judge is responsible for checking the conditions of the grass. This is a less important on artificial surfaces. He rules on pass interference, illegal blocks downfield, and incomplete passes. He also counts defensive players because there are more than enough people counting the offense. Most importantly, he’s one of the dudes standing at the goal posts when there is a PAT or FG attempt.

The Side Judge rules on dishes like potatoes and asparagus (just think about it for a minute—it’s funny). He more or less does the same thing the Field Judge does but on the other side of the field.

The Back Judge does a lot of the same things the Side and Field Judges do, and he also has the joy of ruling on “delay of game” infractions.

Now you know.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Did you hear about this thing called March Madness which celebrates basketball and takes over the airwaves as only things like the Olympics (and March Madness) can?

Just in case you haven’t been paying attention, I—the local expert on basketball and all things madness—am here to help.

First you have to know about brackets. Brackets are a game designed to separate you from your money and make even the ardent statisticians lose their collective minds. You don’t have to know too much about brackets because yours was busted a long time ago (as was everyone else’s).

Once you’ve figured out that—like the points on Who’s Line Is It Anyway?—brackets don’t matter, you can move on to the important parts of the game—the commercials. Just kidding. Commercials in bball are the standard, boring commercials we always get. Feel free to hit the restroom or get dinner during the commercials. You won’t miss anything.

The next thing you need to know is that if you want to win during March Madness you need a nun on your side. If you don’t have a nun, you’d better play really, really well.

Finally, there are the rules. The rules exist so that the commentators have something to talk about if play slows down. Here are some of the weirder ones.

Players only have 10 seconds (from the time they get the ball) to take a free throw. Delays (and by “delay” I mean taking longer than 10 seconds) means a penalty—which in this case means forfeiting the right to take the shot.

If a player breaks the backboard or bends the rim of the basket during play, the player is charged with a technical foul. The only exception to this is if they cause the damage during warm-ups (even half time warm-ups) in which case only the maintenance crew have to worry about it.

And my fave weird rule: it is possible for a player to foul out and remain in a game. (It’s pretty certain that if this happens the coach is busy having a cardiac event and the commentators are having a field day.) If a player gets his 6^th personal foul and all the substitutes have already been disqualified, the player has to stay in the game because the rules say that the team must always have five players on the court. The player will get a personal and team foul. Unlikely to happen, but true.

Happy Madness.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

If you were crazy enough to be on an airplane at 5:30am this past Saturday to fly to Baltimore only to return that evening on a 10pm flight, you might find yourself tired. You might also find that you didn’t exactly get to see much of Charm City except the Convention Hall, a little bit of the wharf area, and a public transportation rail stop (even though you didn’t get to ride the train because after half an hour of waiting in the cold someone announced that an SUV had sideswiped a LINK car and there wouldn’t be any trains for at least an hour, at which point the Committee reconvened and decided that Lyft was a viable option after all).

Not to worry. I am here to tell you all sorts of interesting things about Baltimore.

You may know that Francis Scott Key wrote our national anthem while watching the bombardment of Fort McHenry during the War of 1812. (Ft. McH is in Baltimore.) Because of this Great Achievement, FSK is honored before every major sporting event, after every gold medal, and on other patriotic occasions. They also named a bridge after him (the cleverly named Francis Scott Key Bridge) which is the third longest continuous truss bridge in the country. (I don’t know what a continuous truss bridge is, but I’m sure Francis’ mom is very proud.)

The first professional sports organization in the United States, The Maryland Jockey Club, was formed in Baltimore in 1743.

Thought: What did people sing at the start of sporting events prior to 1812?

The first US umbrella factory was built in Baltimore in 1828. People who went to sporting events prior to 1828 often got rained on.

The first post office system in the US was in Baltimore in 1774. Postal workers don’t care about rain or snow or umbrellas.

During the 1800s, Baltimore served as the second greatest port of entry for United States immigrants.

In 1844, the first telegraph line in the world was established between WDC and Baltimore. In 1845, parents began complaining that their children were spending too much time on the telegraph and the world was coming to an end.

Lots of famous people were born in, lived in, and/or died in Baltimore. Some of them even knew the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

The first dental school in the world was founded in Baltimore in 1840. Your teeth are grateful.

The first successful manned balloon launch in the United States was in Baltimore in 1784. It was operated by 13-year-old Edward Warren who was really just trying to escape his parents’ complaints about his teeth.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Continuing on with Part III of learning about the number three, we’re on day 3 of threes (Part I and Part II). And we’re talking about Sports. Also sports.

(Huh? What’s the difference? Sports with a lower case “s” refers to things like a three-legged race. Sports with a capital “S” refers to things that don’t typically occur in one’s back yard.)

A regulation hockey puck is three inches in diameter. Also in hockey, there are three periods in regular playing time.

Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh is located at the confluence of Allegheny, Monongahela, and Ohio Rivers. You knew that.

In volleyball, a team can touch the ball three times before it must cross the net. You knew that too.

You can score three points in football with a field goal and in basketball by shooting behind the cleverly named three point line. Also in basketball, referees are very protective of the lane (also known as the paint which I learned from Jenelle); you’re only allowed to be in there for 3 seconds without doing anything productive.

In many sporting events (and by “many sporting events” I mostly mean the Olympics), there are three medals awarded: gold, silver, and bronze.

A hat trick refers to three goals scored in a game by a single player. The hat trick originated in cricket (bet you didn’t know that). “Toby is a dumb name for a cricket.” Three extra points for knowing that quote.

Three letters are generally used to indicate a team or country during competition.

Perhaps my favorite three in sports is from baseball: Three strikes and you’re out. Think about that—professionals getting more than one chance to get it right. Life ought to be more like that. (“What? My stock pick went down? Strike one! Let’s start again!”)

And a Preview of Threes for St. Patrick’s Day

The Shamrock, the three-leaf clover, is a symbol of Ireland. St. P used the three-leaf clover to explain the concept of the Holy Trinity (no word on what he did if you inadvertently picked a four-leaf clover).

If you catch a Leprechaun and set him free, he will grant you three wishes. Be sure to negotiate the wishes before you release him—leprechauns are quite sneaky that way.

There is magic associated with drinking three glasses of beer on St. Patrick’s Day. No one knows what this is because no one has ever had only three glasses of beer.

Wishing you three kinds of happy for today.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I have now kayaked in the ocean.

One of the excursions we took was an adventure in a tandem clear-bottom kayak which – as the name implies – involved kayaking in a vessel with a clear bottom.

We made three stops along the reef in Costa Maya, Mexico. It was amazing how much we could see through the bottom of the boat.

Unfortunately, early, early, early in the morning as we approached Costa Maya, there was Weather. I slept through it, but it must have been pretty significant because the ship actually missed the dock and had to go out and try again. (Three points for exhaustion!) The Weather bothered me not at all since I was fast asleep. But it washed a ton of sea grass up onto the shore (which according to our excursion operator is usually pristine).

Up and down the coast, people were raking up the sea grass and hauling it away by the wheelbarrow-full. Up and down the excursion, guides were apologizing for Mother Nature. It was gorgeous (even with the sea grass) and it was adorable that the locals felt so badly that Mama N had misbehaved for our visit.

Personally, I felt that if she had to throw a fit it was very kind of her to get it done with before we went ashore.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

In the late 1800s the world decided that it would be a good idea to bring back the Olympics. The idea was that international friendly competition would bring peace, unity, and unlimited marketing opportunities to a world badly in need of all three.

As with most festivals, things got bigger and “better” over the years. Peace and unity got lip service; unlimited marketing opportunity took home all the gold medals and then some.

The first of the modern day Olympics was held in 1896 and the organizers hadn’t had their medal epiphany yet. So the winners got silver medals and an olive branch, and the runners-up got a copper medal and a laurel branch. Very historic.

241 athletes from 14 nations participated in 43 events (9 sports) at the 1896 games in Athens.

At the games in 1900, prizes (like an Apple iphone) were given instead of twigs, branches, and medals.

Somewhere between the turn of the century games and the 1904 games, the IOC agreed that it was too soon to give out Nike contracts to the winners and instituted the medal system.

The current medals represent the first three Ages of Man according to Greek mythology: the Golden Age (when men lived among the gods), the Silver Age (when youth lasted a hundred years), and the Bronze Age (the age of the great heroes). The Age of Consumerism and the Age of iAppleEverything were intentionally overlooked.

Love, Mom