Dear Kid,

Five years, 1736 blogs, a whole lot of words, several Neanderthals, a LOT of conversations (Puppy and otherwise), and one graduation.

We’ve talked about bats, cats, dogs, hogs, coffee, coffee, coffee, breakfast, lunch, dinner, sleep, mythology, sports, sports, and more sports, numbers (for some reason the number 22 is very popular), puppies, and puppies, and puppies.

We’ve talked about etiquette, silverware, glasses, dishes, 7 kinds of bowls, wombat poop, travels (none to see wombat poop), cars, technology, trivia, social media, bad hair days, rules for coming home, elephants, water, diet coke, and puppies, puppies, puppies.

We’ve talked about shoes, shopping, not shopping, snow and other unlovely weather events, exams, cooking, snacks, the Olympics, holidays, Dr. Seuss, chocolate, gardening, punctuation marks, appliances, birthdays, and puppies, puppies, puppies.

And a whole lot more that you can go back and re-read if you’re interested.

We’ve learned things, we’ve laughed at things, and (occasionally) made things up (what? Me? Never.).

Most importantly, we’ve stayed connected.

It’s a weird thing, raising children. We walk a fine line between wanting to let go and wanting to hold tight. Between knowing we shouldn’t know everything and wanting to know Every Single Detail. Between pushing you out of the nest to fly on your own and wanting to hold tight and never let you go.

It’s not easy being a Mom, but you’ve done a lot to make it easy for me to be your Mom. You are an incredible, amazing human. It’s pretty much impossible to get all the love and pride into words.

Speaking of words, it’s time for these words to come to an end. Today is the last day of DearKidLoveMom posts. It’s been a wonderful journey; I hope you’ve enjoyed it as much as I have.

I love you, kiddo. And I can’t wait to share the next chapter with you.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

When I think back to your freshman year, I’m awed and impressed by the distances you’ve covered and the discoveries you’ve made. You’ve tried new things (no, I do not want to know about all the new things you’ve tried), you’ve recognized and played to your skills and strengths. You’ve gone from the idea of who you might want to be to creating the true you that you are.

And now you are getting ready to put on a mortarboard and gown and accept the World’s Most Expensive Piece of Paper. Of course, it’s not the paper that’s important. It’s the work and the learning that went into getting that Piece of Paper. And we couldn’t be more proud.

Congratulations, kiddo. We can’t wait to see what you do next.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

You’re about to graduate (yeah, still struggling with that).

And you’re about to be home for a while (not a struggle at all).

So it seems prudent to review the Rules of the House (these should not be a surprise).

1. If you use it up, tell someone. Preferably someone with a piece of paper and a writing implement. Better yet, write it on the shopping list yourself.
2. Don’t use up the last of the Diet Coke.
3. Don’t use up the last of the coffee (with our stock that’s pretty much impossible).
4. Try not to be too cheerful before I’ve had coffee.
5. If you have the talent (and you do), you should play guitar and sing for your mother a few times before you disappear.
6. The Puppy is the King of the House.
7. As it turns out, Royalty doesn’t go on the furniture, is not allowed upstairs, and doesn’t get fed from the table just for looking pathetic.
8. There is a whole list of foods His Furness can no longer have. This is not a suggestion.
9. Being a member of the family means sometimes walking the Puppy. Which will make him very happy. Without fussing. Which will make everyone else very happy.
10. If you’re the last one in at night, close the garage door. I’ve already had the great pleasure of being called at 2am by the police (who told me very kindly that the garage door was open and they would wait patiently at the foot of the driveway until I closed it). I prefer to meet the police during daylight hours.
11. If you’re going to be late, let us know. We worry.
12. You are perfectly capable of making your own breakfast, lunch, and snacks (in fact you’re a very good cook). You are also very good at cleaning up after you cook. Practice these skills in a reasonable ratio (and by “reasonable” I mean 1:1)
13. Dishes go in the dishwasher. You know this. Act upon that knowledge.
14. Clean dishwashers get emptied. Act upon this knowledge too.
15. Clothing (both clean and dirty) should be stored somewhere other than the floor.
16. Helping around the house is a right, a privilege, and a responsibility.
17. You have the right to choose what is on the TV. Sometimes. Other people have this right too.
18. Yes, we are happy to help you. That does not mean we are always available to help the very second you think about whatever-it-is.
19. You have just finished exams, and graduation, and moving out, and you are doubtless exhausted. This entitles you to sleep and be slightly grumpy for a bit. That bit doesn’t last more than a couple of days.
20. We love you. That’s the most important part.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Thankfulness isn’t just for Thanksgiving.

Thankfulness is an all-the-time, equal opportunity kind of thing.

As you wind down your college career (gak!), I know you’re busy thinking about how to pack all your accumulations into a car (or two), where you left the can opener, how you’re going to find time to study for finals, and why someone decided that someone should take an exam starting at 4:40pm the day before graduation (ridiculous).

I also know suspect hope that you are able to spare at least one brain cell to think about all the wonderful things that have happened over the last five years.

The really good classes, the professors that went out of their way for you, the friends you’ve made, the meals you’ve shared, the study sessions, the competitions you’ve won…the list goes on and on. I know it hasn’t all been perfect. But there’s been a lot of good.

I’m grateful for all I’ve learned from you and for all the times we’ve talked, texted, and otherwise had time together. I’m grateful for the times you’ve invited us to visit. I’m grateful for all the good, the not so good, and in betweens you’ve shared with us. Mostly, I’m incredibly grateful you’re my kid.

Take a moment of gratitude to be thankful for all you’ve experienced.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

In my continuing effort to distract myself from the ridiculousness that is 3 days (arrg!) until graduation, I have scoured the internet to find 25 weirdly fun trivia facts. You’re gonna love it. Trust me.

1. A snail can sleep for 3 years. Proving that snails and college students have a lot in common.
2. Horses can’t vomit. Proving that horses and college students have very little in common.
3. Squirrels can’t burp. Meaning they have very little in common with 3^rd grade boys.
4. Ben & Jerry learned how to make ice cream by taking a $5 correspondence course offered by Penn State. There’s no question that Penn State knows a lot about ice cream. But I’m willing to bet most correspondence classes don’t launch mega-successful businesses.
5. M&Ms actually stands for “Mars & Murrie’s,” the last names of the candy’s founders.
6. The only number whose letters are in alphabetical order is 40 (f-o-r-t-y). Weird and wonderful.
7. “Jay” used to be slang for “foolish person.” So when a pedestrian ignored street signs, he was referred to as a “jaywalker.” Now such a person is referred to as a New Yorker.
8. Tigers have striped skin not just striped fur. Fashion fur-ever.
9. Changes in the English language happen in many ways. After an online vote in 2011, Toyota announced that the official plural of Prius was Prii.
10. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
11. The word “Checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,” which means “the king is dead.”
12. Walt Disney was afraid of mice. M-I-C … K-E-Y… Mickey Goat?
13. A crocodile can’t stick its tongue out.
14. There are more fake flamingos in the world than real ones. (Shout out to Joan!)
15. A shrimp’s heart is in its head. Or on its sleeve.
16. All polar bears are left-handed. But they knit right-handed, because that’s important.
17. You can’t hum while holding your nose closed. (Go ahead and try it—I’ll wait.)
18. We all know that no word rhymes with “orange”. But did you know nothing rhymes with “month”? Or “purple”?
19. Maine is the only American state whose name is just one syllable. (You just ran through all 50 states, didn’t you?)
20. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. There seem to be so many things to say, and I can’t think of single one.
21. The symbol on the “pound” key (#) is called an octothorpe. No one cares.
22. By the time you are 70 you will have drunk over 12,000 gallons of water. I will have drunk the equivalent amount of coffee and Diet Coke.
23. The colder the room you sleep in, the higher the odds that you’ll have a bad dream. This is true, but I’m having a hard time convincing your father.
24. Women have twice as many pain receptors on their body than men. But a much higher pain tolerance. Well, yeah, duh.
25. Your forearm (from inside of elbow to inside of wrist) is the same length as your foot. (You just measured, didn’t you?)

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I have an opinion.

And I have done the math to back it up. 

As you know, but I just found out recently, the Jets are playing hockey.

This is—obviously—wrong. Even if one isn’t a Jets (football) fan (Go Giants! Go Bengals! Go everyone!), one must acknowledge that the Jets exist (even if I’m not entirely sure what state they’re in anymore).

One should not have to hear that the Jets are playing and spend the next few minutes trying to understand that there is a Jets football team and a Jets hockey team and they are in no way related.

So I did the math.

According to My Friend the Internet, there are 30 professional basketball teams, 32 football teams, 31 hockey teams (how ridiculous to have an odd number of teams), 23 MLS teams (ditto), and 30 baseball teams for a total of 146 major league professional athletic teams in the US (and Canada).

One hundred forty-six.

Do you know how few that is? Yeah, OK, it’s 146 few. Which means there is no freaking reason on this planet that two of them have to have the same mascot name!

I propose that The Great Sports Authority (could be our friend Jenelle, might be Nike, but I’m open to suggestions) mandate a contest to see which team gets to keep the Jets moniker and which has to hold open auditions for a new mascot. I’ll have to give some thought as to how the winner should be determined (suggestions welcome here too).

Somebody really ought to be in charge of things like this.

(Can you tell I’m trying to distract myself from the fact that you’re graduating in four days?)

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

WAIT!

STOP THE PRESSES!!!

What exactly is going on here?

How can it possibly be only 5 days until you graduate from college?

I swear it was only a week or so ago that you rode the school bus around the parking lot in preparation for attending kindergarten.

I’ve barely aged since then, so it seems impossible that you have gone from a BoyChild to a ManPerson.

(For clarity’s sake, let’s just all agree right now that even when you’re 102 you will still be my BoyChild.)

In other (less upsetting) news, there is a squirrel on the birdfeeder. (“What?” I hear you say, “Less upsetting? How could that be? You hate squirrels on the birdfeeder!”) Well, I’ll tell you. I may have come around to Grandpa’s way of thinking: it isn’t a birdfeeder—it’s a bird and squirrel feed. Problem solved.

Yes, Wallenda the Flying Squirrel is back. And while he throws off my feeder-filling schedule, he is entertaining as all get out.

Birds just fly to the feeders and help themselves.

Not so Wallenda.

Wallenda plots. Wallenda scurries. Wallenda perches in the tree, scoping out the seed and trying to use his powerful brainwaves to move the seed closer. Wallenda scampers up and down the tree looking for the best launching pad. Wallenda waits and watches and then launches himself through the air, arms and legs spread like a true flying squirrel hoping desperately to land on the birdfeeder.

Wallenda clings like a, a squirrel, and manages to hop to the top of the feeder. He slithers to the pole and then stretches waaaaaay out to reach the feeder. Lunch!

I really enjoy watching this. It’s worth refilling the feeder more often. Especially because I have no intention of moving the feeders or chopping down the tree.

You, please head back to kindergarten where you belong.

Love, Mom