Dear Kid,

I believe I mentioned a while ago that I was not feeling Tip Top and All That.

All That turned out to be a sinus infection of Olympic proportions (I am nothing if not patriotic). Eventually I went to see the medical professionals who sent me home with an antibiotic and admonishments to “feel better.” I am very compliant with stuff like that, so I took all my meds and felt better.

The problem was that the medical professionals didn’t specify how much better I was supposed to feel.

I felt some better but was by no means what one might call Healthy.

So I toddled myself back to the experts. They informed me that I was running a fever (seriously, I had not known that) and that I was sick (that much I’d figured out without a degree). I suggested my illness was brought on by a severe chocolate deficiency. When that brought a laugh but no agreement, I suggested that I had The Plague. More laughter, no more agreement. Whereby confirming that I am Hilarious but there is a reason Harvard Medical School never called to beg me to drop out of Business School.

The Medical Professionals were very eager to prove I have the flu. They ran a test (it was negative and perhaps even more unpleasant than a strep test). While we were waiting for the results, I explained that I don’t have the flu because 1) it doesn’t feel like the flu and 2) I don’t have time for the flu. Ergo, no flu. No one (except the test) bought my logic. Everyone seemed very disappointed. They questioned me about Aches and Pains (just my sinuses). They assured me that even though the test was negative, I might have the flu, just a different strain (how nice). They were not happy with the notion that I am a walking Viral Mystery. They hinted that there might be Something Wrong with My Blood. (No one suggested leaches, thank goodness.)

It seemed simple to me. I don’t have the flu. I have an Overly Friendly Sinus Infection That Won’t Go Away.

I tried to explain this several different ways. Apparently when you suggest that all your ailments might be cured by a huge dose of chocolate, they tend not to take subsequent self-diagnosis too seriously.

I am now on More Medication.

As I left, no one told me to feel better. They didn’t even offer me chocolate.

Love, Mom