Dear Kid,

Ok, quick. Name three things you can’t do while weeding.


True. Unless you count the occasional rogue mosquito.

That’s one. Name a second.

Get eaten by a hippopotamus.


Do you know anyone who’s been eaten by a hippo while weeding?

Seriously? They’re herbivores. They won’t eat you.

They might if they mistake you for the weeds.

Big hippo problem in your yard, is there?

And a third?

Hunt antelope.

What is this obsession with African wildlife?

You’re concerned about reality?

Fair point.

What else can’t you do while weeding?

We already named three.

See the above point about reality.

Ah, alternate math. I get it.

Get pregnant.

That probably depends on how much attention you’re paying to the weeding.

And the prevalence of poison ivy.

Don’t even think that!

Are we including things we can’t do anyway?

Like what?

Play the violin.

And get dirt all over it?

The point is I can’t play the violin anyway.

And it takes two hands.

And a chin.

I have one.

One what?

A chin.

You can’t weed and have this conversation.

That’s a hint to change the topic, isn’t it.

Pretty much.

How ‘bout worms?

In tequila bottles?

Love, Mom