Dear Kid,

It’s going to get blamed on me. It’s not exactly my fault, but people often overlook the kitchen table as a Viable Culprit. I am definitely going to get blamed.

Today is Uncle Sean’s birthday.

I bought a card about two weeks ago. It’s a great card in general. It is a particularly great card for Uncle Sean.

I made sure to have Pi sign it last weekend before she left for one of her various activities. I left it for you and Dad to sign. I’m pretty sure it was at that point that the kitchen table stepped in.

We have a nice kitchen table. It’s generally pretty understanding about having various condiments and beverages spilled on it. It’s accommodating when someone dumps a knapsack on it. It doesn’t generally shove a large pile of papers onto the floor when someone leaves them too near the edge. Every now and then it will reach out and bite someone on the ankle, but for the most part it is very well behaved.

Up until now.

Maybe the scale was a bad influence; I’m not sure.

The table took the card and slid it into a time warp. Not a big time warp mind you, just a handy, card-sized pocket of a time warp. Then it sat quietly and watched.

The thing about time warps is that you don’t notice them. When you look at them, your eyes slide right around to the other side without noticing that you’re overlooking the important part. Like magicians, only moreso.

For the last week, I’ve overlooked the card—not on purpose, but because of the time warp and the kitchen table. It’s not until I’m about to fall asleep or at work (it can be hard to tell the two apart) that I think “Uncle Sean’s birthday is coming up. I MUST get that card in the mail tomorrwwwww…zzzzz….”

Google put an end to the problem when it popped up a calendar reminder this morning.

It is well-known that Google (with or without the Alphabet) is stronger than most (but not all) of the kitchen tables in the world.

As I marched downstairs this morning, I therefore muttered in my sternest voice, “Now would be an excellent time to put that card right back where you found it.”

Kitchen tables have excellent hearing. There’s no need to yell if you know what you’re doing.

Lo and behold, there was the card happily waiting to be sealed in an envelope and sent eastward.

The kitchen table didn’t even have the decency to look embarrassed.

Which left only one problem.

The USPS can’t pick up here and deliver there on the same day.

Which means Uncle Sean’s birthday card will be late.

Happy birthday Uncle Sean! From all of us (except the kitchen table who is currently in a time out).

Love, Mom