Dear Kid,

Every now and then the Universe pops up and hands me a little present. I am always careful to say “Thank you” most politely because that’s what one does when the Universe goes out of its way to be kind.

A few years ago, the gift was when doctors decided that wine has important health benefits and therefore a cup full of vino is the medicine going down. Yippee and Thank You.

Then the medical profession decided that coffee has heart benefits. This has nothing to do with actual benefits (I’m sure it’s just great marketing from the coffee cartel) but what do I care whether it’s real or not? The docs say “Drink coffee,” I say make it a strong one. And Thank You.

The best part is that I never intended to change my behavior (Coffee’s not good for me? Unfortunate. I’ll still drink the same amount.). But having the Universe’s blessing for my behavior makes me feel loved and special and much less guilty.

Now, once again, the Universe has handed out a completely unexpected present. This one may be the silliest one ever, but since it is a Proven Scientific and Medical Fact, who am I to argue?

The Universe has declared that it is unhealthy to make your bed every morning.

Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

This, of course, proves that I am The Most Knowing of All Mothers You’ve Ever Had because I only insisted you actually make your bed about twice a year (on the same days I made my bed—namely, when Grandma was visiting). I am so far ahead of my time, it’s crazy.

You do not need to point out that “ahead of my time” and “lazy” in this case refer to the same thing.

I don’t particularly care for bed-making. I find it is a great way to break my nails and all I do is mess it up a pretty bed all over again. It’s a thankless job (in my opinion) so I skip it on a regular basis (and by “regular basis” I mean “daily”). It’s perfectly fine with me if someone else makes the bed; in fact, I like climbing in to a freshly made bed. I just don’t like it enough to do the actual bed-making in the first place.

There are people who do like making the bed (or who think they do since the habit is so ingrained). To them I say “Have at it” just don’t ask me to do the same thing. And now the Universe says we have a Good Excuse not to make the bed.

The reason making your bed is unhealthy is dust mites. Dust mites are the invisible creatures who live in our linens and chow down on the billions of skin cells we shed. The dust mites poop invisible mite poop and we sneeze. Not good for the allergy-affiliated among us. (In a scientifically significant oversight, it turns out that dust mites and dust dragons are not related.)

It turns out that dust mites prefer nice moist skin cells. The kind that get tucked in every morning when someone makes the bed. They are much less excited about eating dried up skin cells (the kind that dry out every day when you don’t make the bed).

So now you have a scientific reason for not making the bed. And sneezing is once again entirely up to you.

Love, Mom