Dear Kid,

The following conversation took place yesterday via text with my friend Sue.

Sue: Do ½ price jelly beans have ½ the calories? What if I only eat half the bag at a time?

Me: You misunderstand. Jelly beans are a holiday food. Therefore they are holy. So the calories fall through the holes. No calories.

Sue: At least if I throw up at this point it will be pretty.

Me: Gorging much?

Sue: I couldn’t resist. They were ½ price.

Me: Makes perfect sense to me.

Sue: Inconveniently forgot about dentist appointment this afternoon. Multi-colored tongue is probably a dead giveaway.

Me: Think of it as job security for the dentists.

Sue: Like that’s my biggest concern.

Me: Think of it as oral art.

Sue: Making one dentist’s life more beautiful.

Me: Did you offer him a jelly bean?

Sue: Getting my teeth cleaned and a crown. I hope the gems in the crown are made of jelly beans.

Me: Did you watch The Royals?

Sue: Did I what?

Me: Never mind. Let it go. Let it go!

Sue: It would also be convenient if I could be deaf at the dentist for 3 reasons. 1- I wouldn’t hear those dreadful gadgets. 2- I wouldn’t hear him ask questions about summer vacation which I can’t answer because his hands are halfway down my esophagus. 3- I wouldn’t have to hear him ask (again) if I floss every day.

Me: Do you think dentists get tired of people lying about how often they floss?

Sue: Maybe it’s the dentists who are deaf when patients arrive.

Me: Or maybe they use jelly beans as earplugs.

Sue: This is the burial place for the rest of the damn jelly beans.

Love, Mom