Dear Kid,
Since the subject of college mascots came up at breakfast today, I decided to scientifically research this important subject. (You may want to take notes.)
The first mascot can be traced back to George the Caveman who, after bonking a saber-tooth tiger on the head, stole its skin because he was cold. The other hunters thought that was pretty cool and the Saber Tooth Hunters became the first competitive team in history to have a mascot. It’s worth noting that George and his buddies thought about bringing a live saber tooth to their campfires, but the other cavepeople wanted saber-clothing so they bonked their “mascot” over the head, and the spiritwear industry was born.
The next important event (I really hope you’re taking notes) was when the Gatherers decided they didn’t want to be out of fashion and therefore needed a mascot. At their first marketing meeting, they spent time talking about what they liked to bonk over the head and discovered that it was only their children that they occasionally knocked senseless as the asparagus rarely required discipline. The Fighting Broccoli were created, setting back the mascot business eons.
Fast forward a few generations. Mascots now come in all shapes, colors, sizes, and configurations. We have them at every level from pee-wee to professional athletes. (Even non-athletic events have mascots, but that’s another topic for another day.)
Yup. Terrifying.
According to somebody, mascots are supposed to have traits that are competitively useful. Think fighting, charging, snarling, racing, dangerous, intimidating… you get the point. (Note: I know lots of wonderful people who are either alumni or are currently attending Syracuse University, but the Orange? A piece of fruit for a major university? Seriously? Especially in upstate NY? Wouldn’t an orange snowplow have been more appropriate? I have no words.)
Why they are inevitably male is beyond me. Some of the most dangerously competitive people I know are of the female persuasion. I’ll need to give this some more thought…
Have a great day, Kid. Rah!
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