Dear Kid,

When you see commercials on TV, mascara glides on smoothly, coating each lash with an even layer of makeup giving the model huge, gorgeous lash-fringed eyes.

That’s exactly how it works—with 6 makeup artists, professional lighting, and 642 takes. Most of us don’t have 3 or 4 days to enhance our faces. We have 32 seconds between brushing teeth and dragging a brush through unruly hair.

Most days, mascara goes on reasonably smoothly. Every now and then, however, there is a  morning where I just have to face the reality that Mascara Has a Mind of Its Own.

On mornings like that there is no hope. And today was one of those days. Mascara flew off the wand landing in a sticky mess somewhere in the vicinity of my eyes. Note: the raccoon look is bad on teenage girls. It is downright ridiculous on someone my age.

Small animals scurried to get out of newly created tar pit on my face before they got stuck forever.

Makeup tip: This is generally a good time to buy new mascara. Or to wish you’d bought new mascara the day before.

But it’s been that kind of a week.

A few days ago my purse committed suicide in the Walgreen’s parking lot. That was a lot of fun. So I pulled a really cute funky handbag out of the closet and I’ve been using that for the last couple of days. Today—did I mention it’s been ridiculously cold?—my purse froze and the then the handles broke.

Yesterday, I was attacked by my computer cord. It viciously tangled itself around my feet, tripping me. So naturally, I stepped in the ceramic wastebasket, which clamped its jaws around my ankle and down I went.

Then today the Great Mascara Catastrophe of 2014.

This year is just over a week old, and we have a lot of room for improvement.

Love, Mom