Dear Kid,

Your sister has decided to kill me.

I know this because she has been doing the insanity workouts this summer and has decided I need to join her in these workouts.

Anything that includes the word “insanity” and is not immediately followed either by the word “chocolate” or “coffee” cannot possibly be good for me.

In order to preserve my sanity, my capacity to breathe, and my ability walk upright, I’ve decided to begin compiling a list of reasons NOT to do the insanity workout.

1. I have a hangnail.
2. I don’t have an Insanity Workout outfit.
3. My eyelashes hurt.
4. I sprained my eardrum.
5. I want to be able to work out tomorrow.
6. “Work. Out.” ‘Nuff said.
7. I have to cook dinner.
8. I have to write a blog.
9. I have to paint the garage.
10. I have to finish knitting a sweater.
11. I have to learn how to knit.
12. I have a date with a pillow.
13. I need to text someone.
14. I have to be home in case the political pollsters call.
15. I’d rather binge out on Oreos.

I don’t think she’ll accept any of those, but a girl’s gotta try.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Still having Fitbit issues.

As a fashion accessory, I love it. It’s chic, it’s purple, and it’s mine.

As a toy, it’s fantastic. I push the button and I get all sorts of data. Heaven.

As a tracker of calories, I’m pretty sure we have a colossal #Fail.

Lemme ‘splain.

I am what you might call “an active person.” For example, yesterday I did all sorts of physically active things.

I sat. I stood. I walked. I wandered. I showered. I sat some more. I baked. I ate. I drank. I watched TV. I ate some more. I walked the Puppy. I wrote. I read what I wrote. I read things I didn’t write. I cleaned (not really). I sorted. I tracked. I went to the gym. I worked out. I texted. I telephoned. I washed the Puppy. I glared. I growled. I grimaced. I grinned. I coffeed. I calculated. I computed.

In short, I used a lot of verbs.

According to my highly scientific assessment and calculations, I burned 4,827 calories yesterday. According to my Fitbit, I burned 62.

Just kidding. My Fitbit said I burned 1,628 calories.

Either way, do you see my problem? There is a HUGE discrepancy!

I prefer my methodology to Fitbit’s algorithm.

No, that’s not exactly true. I don’t really care which method we use. I just like my answer better.

According to my logic, I lost 8 pounds yesterday. According to my scale, I need to wear stretchy-waist pants.

Which means my scale and my Fitbit are in cahoots.

If those two little devices are collaborating, we are in really big trouble.

But being a generous kind of girl, I’m giving my Fitbit another chance.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Did I mention the sheer quantity of food I’ve encountered in Dallas? It’s been good, but mostly there’s been an excessive amount of it.

Fortunately, the hotel has a Fitness Center. Well, more Center than fitness. Actually, more Ness than Fit.

It has perfect music—if your idea of great music to work out to is Harry Chapin and elevator jazz.

Despite the now-it’s-working-now-it’s-not aspect of the elliptical, I managed to get a decent workout in.

And by “decent” I mean I burned at least 87 calories.

Did I mention the abundance of food? I figure I ate at least 8,700 calories today. Before we went out for dinner.

So clearly, working out made a huge difference.

I probably lost at least 3 pounds, right?

Love, Mom