Dear Kid,

It’s National Wine Day.

I can’t believe it’s taken this long to get here, and I – What? Not National Whine Day? Oh. Dang.

National Wine Day is (duh) a great way to celebrate the grape. Preferably fermented.

So a Wine Drinking Lesson seems in order.

1.

The first step is acquiring wine. Sometimes this is as easy as going to your parents’ refrigerator and borrowing a bottle. Sometimes it involves asking a waiter to kindly bring you a glass. Occasionally it involves going to a store and making a purchase. In the best of all possible cases, it means several friends each brought some wine to your place.

2.

Once you have acquired said vino, store it properly. Most of the time that means in a wine glass. Occasionally it means white wine in the frig, red wine on the counter.

3.

Remember the importance of glasses? Of course you do. The most important thing for college students to know about the right wine glass is to find one that isn’t chipped. For the rest of the world, red wine glasses are generally larger than white wine glasses (the better to allow the red wine to oxidize).

4.

Sniff the wine to enjoy the aroma and prepare the palate. Do not sniff like you’re trying to find a dead rat. Especially if no one else in your crowd is a sophisticated wine drinker.

5.

Take a sip. Take a swallow. Nod sagely. Do not smack your lips. Do not chug your mug. Take another sip. Try a delicate bite of cheese. Sip. Nod. Nibble. Sip. Sip. Aw, heck, drink.

6.

Refill. Try another kind of wine because no one brought the same kind to the party.

7.

It is important to store any leftover wine properly. Leftover wine. That’s funny, right?

Happy National Wine Day.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The same words can mean different things in different places. For example, “I’m stuffed” in the US means you’ve eaten too much; in the UK it means you’re pregnant.

Actions can also mean different things in different parts of the world.

For example, an upside down glass on the bar in Australia means you think you can fight anyone and everyone in the pub and win. Then again, breathing in Australia means pretty much the same thing.

In some areas, an upside down glass means you’re drinking in memory of someone who has passed away. (“Turn down a glass” therefore means stop for a moment of thought or reflection.)

In some countries, it’s rude to sip or partially drink a shot during a toast. Turning your glass upside down shows you’ve downed the entire shot.

In the US, if you turn your glass upside down, it means you don’t want any more to drink. If the bartender places an upside down glass in front of you, it means someone else has paid for your drink.

In our house, an upside down glass is a sure sign of Wildlife Encroachment.

As in, “Get a glass! Get a glass! There’s a ladybug!”

Theoretically, once a multi-legged critter has been trapped under a glass, it should be released back into the wild where it can do multi-legged critter things (like being eaten by a bird). As long as it’s not in my house, I’m pretty tolerant of multi-legged critters (and by “multi-legged”, I mean more than 4; 4 or less are welcome inside—most of them, anyway).

But to be clear, the more legs there are, the less I want to do with them.

Recently, we’ve had an invasion (and by “invasion” I mean 2) of huge, horrible, jumping, enormous spiders. These guys move lightning fast and cause all sorts of chaos. And by “all sorts of chaos” I mean me screaming, “Yark! Ack! Spider! Get a glass! Someone do something! AAAAAck!” Amazingly, Pi said exactly the same thing when she spotted one.

Pi and I both buy into the family tradition of bug trapping. We also both believe that Someone Else should be in charge of bug release. Bug release really far away from the house. Like 6 or 7 miles away.

And since the Puppy doesn’t have thumbs, that chore falls to Dad. Which leds to the following conversation.

Dad: I see you trapped a bug
Me: It’s a spider and it’s enormous. Do something
Dad: Why didn’t you take it outside?
Me: Are you insane?
Dad: It’s just a spider
Me: It is an enormous spider. It is a spider bigger than Montana. It moves faster than Superman. Take. It. Out.
Dad: You’re not going to take out one little spider?
Me: It is Not little. And Get That Thing Away From ME!!!!!

At which point Dad chuckled softly and took the spider out. Thus saving a spider and a marriage in one action.

Love, Mom