Dear Kid,

Seeing as how you live in (and go to school in) Ohio, it seems important that you know some of the more, um, interesting things about our state.

First (and possibly most importantly), you need to know that it is ILLEGAL to fish for whales on Sundays in Ohio. I don’t know why (or how) you would fish for whales in Ohio, but don’t try it on Sundays. Speaking of laws, Ohio was the first state to enact laws protecting working women (1852). And speaking of state laws that no one enforces, no one may be arrested on the Fourth of July in Ohio.

Akron was the first city to use police cars. Cincinnati was the first city to have a professional fire department. Union Terminal (now home of the Cincinnati Museum Center) was the inspiration for DC Comic’s Hall of Justice. It is illegal for more than five women to live in one house in our state. We’re very safety-conscious here in Ohio.

We also like to celebrate.  Avon hosts the world’s largest duct tape festival. Cincinnati’s Oktoberfest is the most attended Oktoberfest in the US (be sure to practice the Chicken Dance before you go).

We believe in interesting food in Ohio. If a restaurant serves horse meat, it must display a sign saying “Horse Meat Served Here.” So there’s that. The pop-top soda can was invented in Dayton (because where would we be without pop-top cans?). There are all kinds of foods in Cincinnati that you won’t find elsewhere (like Skyline chili and goetta). And I found one reference (thank you, my dear Friend The Internet) saying that Ohio is the leading producer of Swiss cheese.

NFL footballs are manufactured in Ada, Ohio. The first mechanical cash register was invented in Dayton by James Ritty to keep his “customers” from pilfering the profits. John Balsley invented the folding step ladder in Dayton (perhaps so he could reach the cash register).

Bruce Banner (the Hulk) is from Dayton. He definitely does not need a step ladder to reach the cash register. Especially if he’s annoyed.

Ohio is the only state with a pennant-shape state flag. The Zanesville Y-Bridge is the only bridge you can go over and end up on the same side of the river that you started on. And you can tour a house made entirely of trash in Philo. It is supposed to be very cool and I think Dad should take me to visit it. If we can figure out where Philo is.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Turns out that people are visiting Hawaii. This is not exactly news since people have been visiting Hawaii for years. But all of a sudden People We Are Related To are visiting (without taking me, I should point out) and it seemed like a good time to learn about our 50th state.

There will be a test. (There will not be a trip, but it is possible someone may send you a postcard.)

Hawaii means ‘place of the gods’ or ‘homeland.’ The state nickname is the ‘Aloha State’ (Aloha is one of the most used words in Hawaiian Language). Aloha is used as both ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye.’ Quick—name another language in which the same word is used for both hello and goodbye.

There are only 13 letters in the Hawaiian alphabet and every word—and syllable—ends with a vowel. It’s not clear how many times you have to sing the Hawaiian alphabet song while you wash your hands.

I assume you know what a lei is (no college humor jokes, please). It’s a symbol of affection, but it comes with Rules. Of the Serious variety.

You must never refuse a lei or remove it in front of the person who gave it to you. You must never wear a lei you intend to give to someone else (it’s just rude).

A lei should not be thrown away. It should be returned to the earth (ideally to where the flowers were gathered).

Never, ever give a tied lei to a pregnant woman—it’s very bad luck.

Speaking of rules, billboards are illegal in Hawaii. Snakes are outlawed (except in zoos). And no buildings on Kauai can be taller than a palm tree.

If you’re in Hawaii, you’re a minority. Or there are no minorities depending on how you look at these things. It would take far more work that I plan to put in to figure out which numbers are correct (My Friend the Internet is supplying lots of inconsistent data on this topic), but diversity runs by itself there. You may create a Pie Chart on your own time if you like.

Obviously, diversity is a good thing since Hawaii has the highest life expectancy in the US. Although that may be because they eat more Spam per capita than anywhere else in the country. Or possibly it has something to do with the fact that Hawaiians are all living in paradise and they want to stick around to enjoy it.

Tune in (probably tomorrow) for Part Next of Hawaii.

Aloha!

Love, Mom