Dear Kid,

You may have heard me talk once or twice (or possibly more) about the Importance of Drinking Water. I speak of this Importance in Ernest (extra points for getting the reference).

Once again, DRINK WATER.

For the record, caffeinated beverages don’t count (well, they count in the caffeine column, but not in the hydration column [depending who you ask]).

It’s summer which we know because all of a sudden it is HOT.

Speaking of weather craziness, having the Stanley Cup playoffs in Tampa in June is almost as crazy as having the World Cup finals in Canada registering over 90 degrees on the field. (Qatar? Are you insane?)

Why drink water? Not only does it taste good, it’s good for you. Basically, your body is a bunch of water inside your skin and held upright by a skeleton. That’s why you squish.

Which means that when you sweat or sneeze you’re letting important parts out.

Don’t hold in your sneezes (which sounds painful) just make sure you’re drinking enough water to offset the occasional a-choo and the frequent perspiration.

Grab some hydrogen, mix in a little oxygen, and stay hydrated.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I admit it. I have bad habits.

I don’t always get 8 hours of sleep. I don’t floss my teeth every day (job security for my dentist). I watch too much bad TV. I rarely say no to chocolate. And I generally don’t take my makeup off at night.

I am not recommending any of these habits. They’re my bad habits, and if you choose to borrow them you do so at your own risk.

Not taking off makeup isn’t really smart. Makeup can clog pores and lead to acne and all sorts of other rotten stuff. Except it doesn’t on my face. There’s no secret except not wearing too much makeup and good genetics. (Thanks mom!)

I generally take off my makeup from yesterday in the morning. Only I didn’t today.

But I have a really good excuse: I was studying chemistry.

More specifically, I was reading a blog about chemistry (sounds more believable already, doesn’t it?).

I hereby pronounce myself the newest fan of Yvette d’Entremont at scibabe.com and here’s the article I was reading.

The thing is, Yvette is not a fan of people who make things up and claim they are talking science.

I’m pretty sure she’ll be ok with my nonsense since when I make things up I say so (which is most of the time) and when I make things up and don’t say so I generally attribute them to Mrs. Joe Neanderthal and if you can’t figure out that I don’t have a direct research line to Mrs. Joe then you have bigger problems than worrying about whether she invented grilled cheese or not.

Anyhoo, Yvette the Science Babe was debunking some of the things (and by “some of the things” I mean every dang word) written by Vani Hari, AKA the Food Babe, who is to science as I am to morning exercise—we’ve heard of each other, but have absolutely no plans to hang out.

Apparently, Hari is marching against any and all chemicals in food. Which is weird since (as I understand it) all food is chemical. Yvette wondered if anyone had told Hari about dihydrogen monoxide. (See, I told you there was chemistry involved.)

In case it is too early for your brain cells to be awake, I will spare you the embarrassment of asking: dihydrogen monoxide is water. H2O. The good stuff.

It was a long article and consequently I had no time to remove yesterday’s makeup with dihydrogen monoxide or makeup remover. So I had to commit yet another sin and slather on today’s layers over yesterday’s. It’s terrible, but I like to think of it as building up an archeological dig for later makeup removal. The experts tell you to layer fragrance, so I say why not borrow from the experts?

The truth is, I’ll have dark circles under my eyes all day. But since I plan to go around saying dihydrogen monoxide as many times as possible, I’m hoping people attribute it to my brilliance (she must have been up working all night) rather than to my bad habits.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

A good while back, I wrote an article for e-zine called Ten Rules for Teens. This is my adaptation to Ten Rules for College Kids.

Rule 1. Life is too short to hang out with people you don’t like. College is a time for meeting new people and finding new friends. No need to be rude, but no need to continue a “friendship” that isn’t working for you any more. Get involved and find activities and people you enjoy.

Rule 2. There is always a nice way to do something hard. That doesn’t mean it will be easy for anyone involved, but you can look back and feel good about how you handled the situation.

Rule 3. If it is to be done, best done soon. Shakespeare said it better, but the point is, if you are going to break up with him/her, do it sooner rather than waiting. (This is not a bad rule for writing papers, doing research, and drafting blogs. Get moving. Don’t wait to start.)

Rule 4. Take care of yourself. You are the only you we have and we think you are very special. Don’t smoke, don’t ride in a car without a seatbelt, don’t drink and drive and don’t drive with anyone who’s been drinking, don’t assume you are invincible or invisible. Eat well, drink lots of water (I may have mentioned that), and get a reasonable night’s sleep.

Rule 5. Nothing you put on the internet is ever truly gone. Facebook is part of the internet. So is Twitter, texting, and YouTube. Even with sites that promise that their content disappears (Snapchat, OKHello, etc.) you cannot be sure it’s really gone. If you don’t want your grandmother, your future employer, your future spouse, and three Supreme Court Justices to see it, don’t put it in cyberspace.

Rule 6. Nothing electronic IS your life. This includes tv, social media, email, cell phones, iPod, and gaming systems. Being deprived of any of these for any length of time will not stop major bodily functions or kill your social life. There are scientific tests proving this. Put the electronics away when you are in class (duh) and when you’re studying. You really can’t multitask and do well at both things. There really are scientific tests proving this.

Rule 7. Be nice to your mother every now and then even if she doesn’t deserve it. Send a text, drop a tweet, post a facebook message. Go crazy and dial the phone.

Rule 8. This too shall pass. Take a deep breath. If possible, take a nap.

Rule 9. Commercials, print ads, and videos are not reality. No one in real life spends nine hours in hair and makeup or has the advantage of a full time airbrush. Strive to be the best you can be, but don’t aim for something unrealistic. What’s inside you is much more important than your haircut or your clothing. Sooner or later your peers will figure this out too.

Rule 10. You are the perfect you. And I love you.

Love, Mom

If it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well
It were done quickly.

–Macbeth

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Dear Kid,

A friend of mine is trying to get in shape. This same friend is not known for eating vegetables (other than French fries) and believes that rinsing his mouth after brushing his teeth is sufficient water intake.

Water, water, every where,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I have it on good authority that the importance of good nutrition has been pointed out to him. I also have it on good authority that the importance of drinking water has been explained to him. I further have it on good authority that only a drip of this has begun to sink in.

The official word is a person can live without food for more than a month (ha!), but can only live without water for (approximately) one week. It has not been proven how long a human can go without chocolate, but it seems that water is even more important to life than chocolate. But only just.

Pure water is the world’s first and foremost medicine. ~Slovakian Proverb

About two-thirds of the human body is water. Some parts of the body contain more water than others. 70% of your skin is water, 75% of your brain is water. Toenails are not particularly watery. So if you are looking to work out your toenails, you can go with minimal water consumption. For things like muscles and brains, drink up.

Most college students don’t drink enough water. They are busy drinking coffee and other caffeinated beverages that zap the brain awake short term but are actually de-hydrating and crash-inducing. Or they are drinking energy drinks which not only do not provide hydration, they can actually kill you, so they are a triple bad idea. Or they are drinking Adult Beverages which are also not hydrating.

By the time you feel thirsty, your body has lost over 1 percent of its total water amount. This may not seem very important, I know. But it is, so I’m bothering telling you so. (Extra points for getting the reference.) The most common cause of daytime fatigue is actually mild dehydration.

We never know the worth of water till the well is dry. ~Thomas Fuller, 1732

So there you are in class, in the gym, at a movie, whatever, and you feel the need to yawn. Or stop your workout. Or take a quick (or not so quick) nap. Culprit? Generally, lack of water.

It was wonderful having you home this weekend.

Feel free to share this letter as appropriate.

Love, Mom

“The news just came in from the County of Keck
That a very small bug by the name of Van Vleck
Is yawning so wide you can look down his neck.
This may not seem very important, I know, but it
Is, so I’m bothering telling you so.”
— Dr. Seuss’ Sleep Book