Dear Kid,

Things I have learned about prom. This may not seem very important I know; but it is, so I’m bothering telling you so. (OK, it isn’t really important, but I love the quote. Extra points if you know where it’s from.)

Corsage. BackInTheDay wrist corsages were held on by uncomfortable elastic that never stayed in place (leading to wobbly flowers). Today, the uncomfortable and wobbly elastic has been replaced by an uncomfortable but highly stable slap bracelet.

Photos. Photos are a fancy occasion ritual and prom is no exception. Fortunately, digital film is free and there is no wait to develop pictures (yeah, I’m old, I get it). There is a reason pix are taken at the beginning of the evening: very few people look as good (or as awake) at the end of prom night.

Cost. You have rotten parents. This is not news to you, I’m sure. Turns out there are many families that spend a gazillion dollars (over $1,000 in some places) on average PER CHILD on prom. We decided you’d prefer to eat for the rest of the month. Sorry kid.

Entering the dance. The term “prom” comes from the word “promenade,” which means to parade in with your escort in a ridiculous and highly old fashioned way. At least in our neck of the woods, couples show up sooner or later to the dance and enter at will rather than waiting to stroll in as procession. The term prom has stuck around anyway.

Attire. As I mentioned, a Lot of Work goes into formal attire. It is really nice seeing all you people cleaned up so nicely. You really look spectacular when you try. (Note: there is frequently much less work put into attire for the afterprom, for which everyone [except the retail store owners] is quite grateful.)

Shoes. You know I love shoes. You know I love shoes more than chocolate. But—and I feel strongly about this—people ought to be able to walk in the shoes they have on their feet. I’m not suggesting you have to wear shoes all evening. But if you can’t at least walk in and out of the venue in your shoes, you have (imho) two choices: learn to walk in them or get different shoes.

Royalty. According to the internet (and you know they can’t put anything on the internet if it’s not true), many proms have a king and queen. Or some version of court royalty. (Court jester, anyone?) I know that around here there is a whole voting-for-the-court for homecoming thing, but I don’t know that prom gets the same royal treatment. Thoughts?

Afterprom. Around here, afterprom is an OverTheTop extravaganza. I think this is fabulous as people want to go to afterprom (often skipping prom in the process) and stay there. This is a wonderful alternative to doing your best to escape afterprom and ending up in a car sideways in a ditch on the side of a mountain. Not that that would ever happen. Although I dined out on that story for years. I mean, someone could have dined out on that story for years. If it had ever happened. Which it obviously didn’t. And just for the record, I wasn’t the driver.

The Day After. The day after prom should be a day to remember the night before (hopefully with fondness). It should be a day for finding out how everyone else’s experience was. As with any all night event, it should be reserved for sleeping enough to return to human status and completely throw off your sleep cycle. It should not be a day to growl at your parents because you are tired.

Sleep well, Kid.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, people wore the skins of whatever they had recently eaten for dinner. This made staying warm difficult for vegetarians and people in coastal societies who lived primarily on seafood.

Then someone discovered that penguins were toasty warm creatures even though they lived in ice and snow (and weren’t smart enough to build igloos)—and men’s fashion was born.

Not long after that, James Bond appeared in the movies and the idea of wearing leopard skin to a formal event was forever gone.

Really, I don’t know why people find history so difficult.

 ~~~

Renting a tuxedo is the easiest clothing experience I have ever participated in. But to appreciate this you first have to understand the joy and sanity of finding a women’s outfit for a formal occasion.

1. Search through 16 magazines for inspiration.
2. Discuss colors, styles, fit, formality, dress length, shoes, jewelry, hair, and many other details with friends, relatives, and the occasional complete stranger.
3. Plan shopping expedition “A.”
4. Visit store #1. Look at every dress in the store. Try on 80% of them. Reject all for various reasons.
5. Visit store #2. Look at every dress in the store. Try on 87% of them. Seriously consider 3. Retry the three. Ponder. Consult. Weigh options. Decide to put one on hold.
6. Rinse and repeat through several shopping trips and countless stores.
7. Eventually decide on a dress. Move on to the process of locating shoes…

Get the point? And we haven’t even talked about accessories, hair, and makeup.

But the tux rental process?

1. Walk in.
2. Point to tux you want from the several on display.
3. Get measured.
4. Choose vest and tie.
5. Slip on shoes to confirm size.
6. Go have frozen yogurt.

See what I mean? If nothing before has convinced you, this ought to be proof positive that men and women are fundamentally different.

Have a wonderful time at prom tonight, sweetie.

Love, Mom