Dear Kid,

Sometimes it pays to pay attention.

Yesterday we had our Thanksgiving celebration at work. It included a team trivia project where we had to answer questions about Thanksgiving.

Guess whose mama remembered that the first Thanksgiving Day Parade was in 1924 (yep, pulled that out of nowhere).

And remembered that the Pilgrims were originally called Puritans (got that reading London after you had to read it for school).

But completely missed the name of the captain of the Mayflower. (Go ahead, I’ll give you time to think about it.)

And had absolutely no idea that the Wampanoag were the Indians who attended the first Thanksgiving. But completely redeemed herself by knowing that only five of the Puritan women survived to the first Thanksgiving and that the first feast lasted three days.

My teammates came up with a raft of useful answers like President Lincoln declared Thanksgiving to be a national holiday and Roosevelt moved it up a week to extend the holiday shopping season. (Which doesn’t matter too much anymore since the holiday shopping season now begins before Halloween.)

Surprisingly, the questionnaire did not even touch on the question of turkey tryouts (which you might want to read because I thought it was set to publish on time yesterday, but instead it went live last night so I’m not sure if you got around to reading it).

Happy Day Before Turkey Day!

Love, Mom

Christopher Jones was captain of the Mayflower.

Dear Kid,

I’ve been thinking we should have turkey tryouts.

It seems to me that most positions require an interview, an audition, or a tryout of some variety. Can you imagine signing up a major league football quarterback without ever seeing him play but just because he has good packaging? (That didn’t come out quite the way I meant it.)

Or hiring a CEO without knowing what he or she had accomplished in the past and making the decision just because the recruiter promises the perfect candidate?

Or casting an episode of NCIS without seeing the guest star act but just relying on an agent’s description?

It would never happen.

Yet we bring in the star of our Thanksgiving dinner based solely on size and packaging. And not even the turkey’s own packaging!

Here is my idea for turkey tryouts.

There will be three categories of competition (within each weight class).

Beauty: Turkeys will parade in the plumage of their choice

Talent: This is the time for turkeys to strut their stuff

Interview: Questions about grubs v grain, should the national bird be changed, etc

And the winner, I mean the loser, gets to join us for dinner!

All of which sounds great until I think about actually getting to know the Dish of the Day (as Douglas Adams would say) at which point I start searching for vegan Thanksgiving recipes.

Maybe we’ll just stick with buying a frozen bird.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It’s Turkey Day! The bird is basting, the cranberries are cooking, the salad is assembled, and there is much football and tryptophan to come. Also a parade of upside-down puppets.

Since we will be gobbling the gobbler later (theoretically, anyway. Turns out only male turkeys gobble and children of mine eat politely—but the wording was too good to pass up.), I thought you might like to learn something about the birds.

IMHO, turkeys are only attractive when nicely roasted with fixings nearby. They are not likely to be winners in the Miss Universe–Bird Edition reality show. Also, they are dangly. Both male and female turkeys have a snood (the dangly thing on their faces) and a wattle (the red dangly thing under their chin). Neither gender is blessed with many head feathers (and the few that are there are generally dangly).

Male turkeys are directly related to chameleons as their head and wattle can change color with excitement or emotion. Pretty female walks by—color change. Ready to fight—color change. No reliable research on gender bending turkeys.

Speaking of gender, one (not me) can tell a turkey’s gender from its droppings–males produce spiral-shaped poop and females have poop that is shaped like the letter J.

While they won’t win the beauty part of the pageant, turkeys will probably do well in the geography portion of the contest because they can learn precise details of huge areas. There isn’t a geography portion of the contest? Stinks to be a turkey.

Turkeys are intelligent and sensitive animals that are highly social. They create lasting social bonds with each other and are very affectionate.

A full-grown turkey has 3,500 feathers. Why someone would bother to count is beyond me.

Turkeys are omnivorous and will try many different foods. To my knowledge no turkey has ever eaten haggis, but what do I know.

Alaska and Hawaii are the only two states without extensive wild turkey populations. I have not been able to get reliable data on the number of turkey tourists.

The average weight of a turkey purchased at Thanksgiving is 15 pounds. The largest turkey ever raised was 86 pounds. I have no idea where someone found an oven big enough for that bird.

White meat is the most popular part of the turkey, so turkeys have been bred to have huge breasts. (think the Dolly Parton of the bird world). Domesticated turkeys are no longer able to mate because their man boobs get in the way. (Baby turkeys are now made via artificial insemination. Bet that makes you think of a couple of jobs you’re just as glad not to have.)

Californians eat the most turkey in the United States. Funny, I would have guessed Washington, D.C.

The phrase “turkey shoot” comes from an early Thanksgiving tradition (late 19^th century) of tying turkeys behind logs on Thanksgiving morning with only their bald little heads showing. There would then be a marksmanship contest to shoot off the turkeys’ heads. Yum. I prefer watching the parade and not contemplating how the turkey got to the kitchen.

The most popular ways to serve leftover turkey are: sandwich, stew, chili/soup, casseroles, burgers, and the good, old-fashioned gnaw it off the bone. But leftovers are a discussion for tomorrow when there might be leftovers.

Gobble tov and Happy Thanksgiving!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

When you look up “turkey,” you get all sorts of results—not all of them expected. You get Turkey (the country), and turkey (the bird), and flamingos, and storks, and tulips, and a goose. Which got me wondering where the phrase “cook one’s goose” came from. I looked for an answer, but it turns out that no one is quite sure. There are lots of guesses, but no real agreement.

When I was a kid (lo, those many years ago), Grandma and Grandpa decided it would be fun to cook a goose and have people over to enjoy the cooked goosery. A few months later, one of the families who had attended the goose dinner moved out of town. The goose dinner had been so much fun, we did it again the following year. And a few months later, one of the families who had been at that year’s dinner moved out of town. Rinse and repeat. Once the entire east coast was down to a population of 16, they stopped having goose dinners. You have been warned about the consequences of serving goose.

In case you happen to have a load of cash you don’t know what to do with, I have a suggestion. Don’t invest in BitCoin, buy your mama a ring. A Ring Clock to be specific. They are pretty darn cool, but it turns out you have to charge them for about two hours every day. Not loving it that much. And they are not exactly cheap. But when the perpetual motion variety comes out, you can feel free to put one in a box for me.

Did you know that Disney is coming out with a movie called Frozen? I think I’d like to see it, which makes it the 476th movie on my list. Sigh. Still haven’t seen Despicable Me 2. Double sigh. Anyway, the cool thing about Frozen is how much technology went into making the snow look and act like snow. There is a very interesting video about this that I didn’t understand at all. Might have had something to do with not having any sound at the time I watched it. Since it looked very technical I’m not going to watch it again with sound on the off chance that I still won’t understand it and  won’t have a reasonable excuse.

Love, Mom

Tune in tomorrow for some Amazing Facts About Turkeys!

Dear Kid,

As I believe I have mentioned, we are in the Official Thanksgiving Season (according to me). My friend the internet and I were hanging out (exhausted from making pumpkin muffins, watching football, and updating my Facebook status), and we decided to take a peek at some interesting Thanksgiving facts.

The first thing we found is that you have to look really hard to find interesting Thanksgiving facts. There are a hefty number (I counted) of dull and well-known Thanksgiving facts. There are even some Highly Disputed Thanksgiving facts. But being the kind of mom I am, I kept at it and I am delighted to present to you

Some Interesting and Lesser Known Thanksgiving Facts (or at least factlettes)

Our Neighbors to the North (no, not the Millers, the Canadians) celebrate their Thanksgiving on the second Monday of October. They refer to our celebration as “Yanksgiving” which seems like it would be the most fun fact about Turkey Day ever, but wait!

To tell if a cranberry is ripe, bounce it. Seriously. Throw that puppy on the ground (when your mother isn’t watching) and if it bounces at least four inches it’s ready. How you do this before picking is beyond me.

The first Thanksgiving Day football game was in 1876. NBC immediately went out to find someone to invent television. Speaking of television…

Thanksgiving is the proud parent of TV dinners. In 1953, someone at Swanson over bought turkeys and they had 260 tons (as in tons) of frozen turkeys left over. While the purchasing manager went on to work for the federal government, Swanson used the left over birds as the basis for inventing TV dinners.

The pilgrims didn’t use forks; they ate with spoons, knives, and their fingers. Please remember that you are not a pilgrim.

Hoping you find some facts more relevant to your college classes.

Love, Mom