Dear Kid,

My friend Sue was listening to Good Morning America the other day while she was doing things around the house. She was alone in the house and the show was keeping her (and the cats) company as she cleaned up and got her day started, so she was only half listening to what the talking heads were saying.

All of a sudden a phrase caught her ear.

“They were talking about summer toilets,” she told me. “I’d never heard of a summer toilet. I wondered if it was the next big trend and I’d somehow missed it.”

She stopped what she was doing and turned to really pay attention to the show for a minute or two.

“It turns out they weren’t talking about summer toilets. They were talking about the summer toy list. I’m not sure if I’m disappointed or not…”

It reminded me of the game of telephone where the first person whispers “Anything you can do, I can do better” and the last person says (out loud) “Cow patties eat frost-bitten whales in August.”

Happy today,

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, we used Cincinnati Bell as our cell phone carrier. Things weren’t perfect, but it was easy enough to call or walk in and have someone easily and immediately address the problem.

Then someone (not naming names, but You) went to college and moved to a part of the country where Cinci Bell was, um, unreliable. Reliably unreliable.

Since you wisely believed that you should have a working communication device with which to contact your mother every now and then, we moved your service to Verizon.

It wasn’t exactly easy, but we made it happen. And life went merrily on.

Until Cincinnati Bell decided they no longer wished to be our cell service provider of choice. They no longer wished to be anyone’s cell service provider (of choice or otherwise).

So we had a conversation with Verizon.

Me: I’d like to move our service over.
Verizon: We’d like that too!
Me: My phone needs to be the main number on the account.
Verizon: Yeah, no. The Kid was here first. He stays the main number.
Me: No, I’m the mom. I pay the bill. I need to be the main number on the account.
Verizon: Maybe we weren’t clear: No. Hand over your credit card.
Me: How is this Customer Service?
Verizon: We don’t really care about customer service. Just your credit card.

And so things bumped along. Service wasn’t perfect, but at least they were difficult to deal with.

Now it seems, Verizon has upped its game.

Kid: Mom, you have to call Verizon.
Me: What? Why?
Kid: The bill hasn’t been paid.
Me (in a show of insight and creativity): What? Why?
Kid: I don’t know. Call them.
Me: Will do.

Verizon: Please talk to the automated system.
Me: Why on earth would I want to talk to the automated system? Human please.
Verizon: The automated system requests that you enter your PIN.
Me: Don’t have a PIN. Apparently don’t have a human either. Operator please.
Verizon: It’s very easy to use the automated system. Please enter your PIN.
Me: Haven’t acquired a PIN in the last 1.3 seconds. Operator please.
Verizon: Hello, I am so sorry to hear that. Certainly we can help you. My name is Cheerful but Untrained. How may I be of assistance?
Me: I want to take care of my bill.
Verizon: Yes, I see you owe us money. We sent you a text.
Me: No, you sent the Kid a text. Which is why we have An Issue.
Verizon: How may I help you.
Me: I’d like to pay my bill.
Verizon: Yes, certainly ma’am. I understand. I can help you with that. Would you like to pay your balance on the automated system?
Me: No, I would like to talk to you and figure out why the autopay didn’t work.
Verizon: Yes, ma’am, I see. I’d be happy to help you with that. If you’ll just hold while I enroll in three weeks of training, we’ll have this figured out in no time.
Me: Perhaps we could skip right to the part where we solve the problem?
Verizon: Yes, ma’am. Certainly. But our scripts don’t allow for that. Would you like to speak to our automated system?
Me: I believe the problem is I have a new expiration date on my credit card.
Verizon: Certainly, ma’am. I’m sorry you encountered this problem and I’d be happy to help you with that. I can transfer you to the automated system so you can update your information before we cut off your service entirely.
Me: How about you just take a payment?
Verizon: I guess I could do that.
Me: Excellent. And while you’re at it, let’s get the autopay corrected.
Verizon: Yes, ma’am. I cannot do that. You need to do that through the automated system. And it will take two to three billing cycles for it to take effect.
Me: Huh? How can it take 60 to 90 days for an automated system to update an expiration date?
Verizon. Yes, ma’am. May I have your credit card number?
Me: You have the credit card number. You just need to fix the date.
Verizon: I can’t date customers.
Me: Perhaps a date with destiny.
Verizon: Is Destiny on the account, ma’am?
Me: Can I please pay this bill?
Verizon: Of course, ma’am. What is the new expiration date?….Thank you, and the security code? …. Thank you….Can you please give me the security code again? And the expiration date?
Me: Oh, goodness.
Verizon: Yes ma’am. And what is your credit card number?

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Wonderful having you home this weekend. Hope you had an easy trip back to school.

Or at least I hope it wasn’t as exciting as the NFL games this weekend. Cray-zee.

Since I have great faith that other people will be writing about football, I will graciously allow them that privilege and move on to the Topic of The Day. Which is

Talking to the phone people.

Our chat started out nicely enough.

Thank you for contacting the Verizon Wireless Chat Team. One of our skilled Chat Representatives will be with you in a moment.

You are not currently in a chat session.

All Chat Representatives are currently assisting other customers. Thank you for your patience.

All Chat Representatives are currently assisting other customers. Thank you for your patience.

All Chat Representatives are currently assisting other customers. Thank you for your patience.

Eventually, Kimothy came on the line.

Kimothy? Really?

Kimothy: Welcome to Verizon Wireless!  I am located in TEXAS! We are known for our BBQ, hot weather, and friendly smiles.  May I ask with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?

Regardless of who Kimothy really is (ha!) or where he/she is located (pretty sure “Texas” means Jupiter), I explained the question about our cell phone catch.

Kimothy:  I am checking into this for you now, thank you for your patience.

(pause)
Visitor: hello?
Kimothy: I am still here my apologies my system froze and booted me out so I had to bring your account back up.
Visitor: dang technology…
Kimothy: Yes I thought it was supposed to make things better.
Kimothy: Allow me just a few to bring your billing statements back up please.

(pause)
Visitor: did you find the statements?

Kimothy moved with lightning speed (and by “with lightning speed” I mean crafted two handmade afghans and made shortbread cookies). Kimothy’s answers comments were not enlightening.

Visitor: what does that have to do with a line charge spike?

(pause)
Kimothy: There wasn’t a line charge spike you were receiving a $xx.00 line access discount for your devices that you are making monthly installments on
Visitor: why wouldn’t we get a discount that month?

(pause)
Kimothy: I am showing that you were getting the line access discount on all of those lines that you are paying monthly on
Visitor: so why would we see a spike that month? I’m confused

(pause)
Kimothy: The discounts starts at the time the device is placed on the the device payment option, the xxxxxxxx line was did not start until 0x/xx/2015 , which between March and April that line was not getting the line access discount  as the other 3
Visitor: What? All but one line started at the same time. and all the lines showed a spike that month. why didn’t we get the discount march/april?

You’ve probably guessed that the conversation was slooooow. And by “slow” I mean we had watched the entire Colts/Patriots pregame and first half by this point in the conversation.

Kimothy went on to explain that my statement showed the discount. I went on to copy the online statement to show it didn’t. Indianapolis went on to show they know how to play football. The Puppy went on napping.

Kimothy decided to ignore me as well as the little box on the site that says “You can expect best-in-class service from us anywhere: online, on the phone, or in-store.” Kimothy apparently did not have much in the way of a challenging class.

Do you know how long Sunday night NFL halftime is?

Long enough to write a blog, have a snack, listen to the Puppy object to going for a walk and being put to bed, and for me to decide that Kimothy does not have the top Customer Service Ranking at Verizon and that Verizon doesn’t have the most user-friendly technology set up for its customer service reps.

Visitor: you seem to be suggesting something was different in just that one month.
Kimothy: Let me go ahead and compare the charges, for each line, from the bill that generated on x/xx/2015 to this bill, generated x/xx/2015. Just a moment please as I am going to have to swap between the bills and do not have the ability to have them up side by side.

As the Wonderful Gloria put it, why should it be so difficult for reasonably intelligent people buy appliances and get simple answers to questions? (I should probably mention that Gloria is WAY Above Average Intelligence.)

FACT: No one should have to decipher phone bills in the same weekend they purchase a Major Appliance.

Sometime near the end of the third quarter, Kimothy and I had this exchange:

Kimothy: Before I proceed to the most recent bill, did you have any questions in regards to the one that generated on x/xx/2015?
Visitor: So as far as I can see, you’re telling me the increase was b/c xxxxxxx. is that correct?
Kimothy: That is correct.
Visitor: and it has taken you this long to explain that to me…
Kimothy: I do understand that this chat has taken some time and I do apologize for the misunderstanding. I did not not realize you had not see those fees on the bill and were just referring the line charge, itself.
Kimothy: **misunderstand and inconvenience.** (What does that mean?)

Twelve seconds later:

Kimothy: I have not heard from you for a few moments.  Would you like me to keep this chat session open for you?
Visitor: Speechless, Kimothy, absolutely speechless.
Kimothy: I am glad that we were able to figure this out together.  
Visitor: Thanks for your help
Kimothy: You are  most welcome!

The conversation was infinitely longer, but not quite as bizarre as the Colt screw up line up at the end of the third quarter.

Sweetie, if you are going to take classes in a foreign language, I would suggest you take up “Customer Service” since that will probably be more useful to you than any other language I can think of.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

While you were busy waking up and I was busy making coffee, March 23^rd was busy celebrating its awesomeness. Because there are so many cool things about today that it takes an entire 24 hours to enjoy. There is no sleeping in for March 23^rd.

Way back in 1066, Halley’s Comet made its 18^th recorded appearance. Apparently, it had been appearing for a much longer time but nobody thought to make a note.

In 1490 on March 23, the first dated edition of Maimonides “Mishneh Torah” was published.

In 1743, Handel’s Messiah premiered in London. The king was so moved by the Hallelujah chorus he stood for it. That’s why we stand at performances of the Hallelujah chorus to this day.

In 1775, Patrick Henry proclaimed “Give me liberty or give me death.” He was speaking in favor of Virginian troops joining the Revolutionary War. (They did).

In 1836 Franklin Beale invented the coin press—so apparently we can thank Ol’ Frank for us having to carry pennies around.

Then on March 23, 1839, the Boston Morning Post used OK (oll correct) for the first time. And that’s OK with me.

Just a year later, Draper took the first successful photo (which was really a daguerreotype) of the moon.

In 1857, Elisha Otis (of the now famous Otis elevator) installed the first elevator.

In 1861, the first tramcars began operating in London.

In 1881, gas lamps set fire to the Nice (France) opera house. This is the first known instance of people being sung to death.

In 1903, the Wright brothers get a patent on their airplane.

In 1912, the Dixie cup was invented.

In 1922, the first airplane lands at the US capitol in WDC. Which is pretty cool considering how recently the airplane had been invented.

In 1929, the first telephone is installed in the White House. It is black. And it’s weird to think DC had the plane before the phone.

In 1994, Joey Buttafuoco is released from jail. Absolutely no one cares. Also Wayne Gretzky sets the NHL record with 802 goals scored. Lots of people care.

And it’s today. Happy today!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

There was a text message on my phone this morning.

It was sent at a not-unreasonable hour last night. Even if it had been sent at a ridiculous hour it wouldn’t have mattered because I typically don’t bring my cell phone upstairs with me. (Translation: in case of emergency, you should probably try the house phone.)

The text was from a number I didn’t recognize.

It read:

Hey boy where u at?

You might want to read that twice. I did.

My first reaction was to giggle. Not very much, but a little.

My second reaction was an urge to text back something like “I don’t think you meant me since I am most assuredly not a boy. I am, however, sure that you would never have passed High School English with a sentence like that.”

My third reaction (final answer) was to write a blog.

Now I’m sure whoever sent the text was not targeting me in any way. I’m guessing it was a case of mistyping a number. It didn’t feel obnoxious or threatening or any of those other adjectives that might cause someone to get upset.

I’m equally sure the writer was not aiming for the Queen’s English (the area code was decidedly US) and I recognize that we live in an area of the country where “Were’d you git that at?” is perfectly acceptable conversational English (it just makes me throw up in my mouth a little every time I hear it).

I’m can even talk myself into believing that the term “boy” referred either to the writer’s offspring or BFF.

I was watching a comedian last night (don’t ask who, I wasn’t really paying all that much attention) who was talking about finding out more about his dates by scrolling through their computer browsers and email texts. Funny, but a little scary when you think about it.

My point is not that one must always talk as though one were dictating Shakespeare.

The point is that you can never be 100%, absolutely positive who will see what you’ve written.

Who knows, you might even inadvertently send a text to someone’s mom who will then write about it for the whole world to see.

Love, Mom