Dear Kid,

You are not going to believe this.

In my search for Truth and Knowledge about The 7 Kinds of Soup Bowls, I discovered that there are 7 Kinds of Cups (not counting the boy-playing-sports kind which I plan to ignore today). There is also the Four Cups of wine theory but not talking about that today either.

Because I am That Kind of Mom, I simply couldn’t leave you not knowing about the 7 Kinds of Cups. So without further ado (oh, who am I kidding? With me, there is generally more “ado” than not), I present to you the Seven Cups.

Let’s start with the most interesting, the Chocolate Cup.

It will probably distress you to know that (in this case) the chocolate cup is not made of chocolate, taking what could have been a Very Interesting Discussion all the way down the Ladder of Interesting and stashing it behind a dusty chair.

Once upon a time there was breakfast which is just about the best thing ever especially when paired with Once Upon a Time. Hot chocolate was made (for breakfast) using unsweetened chocolate mixed with cream into which sugar and hot frothy milk were poured. Because it was quite delicious, cups were big (although they weren’t made out of chocolate). But if you were going to have chocolate at afternoon tea (which is counter intuitive but whatev), then you would drink it from a small cup that would leave you wanting more which you couldn’t ask for because that would be tacky. See how much better chocolate cups made from actual chocolate would have been? Then instead of following strict social standards around tea time behavior we could be discussing how to get chocolate stains out of frocks a la SueAnn Nivens (extra points all around even if you don’t get the reference).

Bottom line. There is such a thing as a chocolate cup (and saucer). We don’t have any in our house. Just grab a mug. Everyone will be happier.

The breakfast cup (and saucer) was invented because drinking coffee out of a thimble is somewhat frustrating. The breakfast cup (and saucer) is small than a mug, so as far as I’m concerned mugs are the way to go at breakfast.

Then there is the coffee cup (and saucer) which is good sized but not as big as a mug or breakfast cup and is used for serving coffee at times other than breakfast and after dinner. We have coffee cups (and saucers) in our house but they have never been used. Just grab a mug.

The after dinner cup (and saucer) is smaller than a coffee cup but bigger than a demitasse cup. It was invented to allow etiquette experts to feel superior since no one else can figure out when to use them. If you were to guess that we don’t have any in our house, you’d be correct.

After a formal dinner, one should serve a low-caf or decaf coffee in a demitasse cup (and saucer). Demitasse is French for “so poor we couldn’t afford a real serving.”

The formal teacup (and saucer) is slightly shorter and wider than the formal coffee cup (and saucer). According to Official Etiquette, tea is too delicate to serve at a formal dinner and is only served at formal luncheons upon request. Clearly, I come from much less delicate stock because as far as I’m concerned (and I’m pretty sure a fair number of people will agree with me), tea can be served at any time. In a mug.

Mugs range in size from “good sized” to slightly smaller than a horse trough. Mugs are used only for informal dining—except in our house where we feel strongly about serving size.

Those are the seven kinds of cups. All the other kinds of cups you see apparently just don’t exist.

Now you know.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

But wait, there’s more.

If you thought I had posted a sufficiently caffeinated blog the other day, you’d be correct. If you thought (as I did for a short time) that that would be the end of the caffeinated discussion, you’d be wrong.

Not only does caffeine come in the traditional liquid form (coffee, tea, diet coke) and the easily abused and sometimes lethal powdered form (stay away), turns out there are non-traditional liquids and—wait for it—aerosols. Clearly, I have been living under a rock.

Thank you to Cornell student Kyle and Boston University alum Greg for bringing all this to my attention.

Turns out, there are concentrated liquid caffeines out there. Liquid caffeine mixes nicely with no powdery aftertaste but there is enough caffeine in a gallon of the stuff to show 7 people the wrong side of the dirt. One of the joys (and by “joys” I mean not so much) of liquid caffeine is you can mix it with your favorite alcoholic beverage so that you can be awake while you get drunk and do stupid things.

The only things worse than a drunk idiot is a drunk idiot who refuses to pass out.

Did I mention that too much caffeine can KILL YOU!!!??? And that these concentrated forms of caffeine are the easiest to abuse? And (as we know from professional football) abuse is bad. Ergo, stay away from the concentrated stuff.

Have you heard of Death Wish Coffee? It has 200% more caffeine than standard coffee. Which won’t kill you (probably) but might make you so jittery and unable to sleep that you wish it would.

And the aforementioned aerosol caffeine delivery system. Yep, it exists. The regular dose won’t harm you (presumably) as it has about the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee. According to everything I read on line aero-caffeine (once known as aeroshot, but now under slightly different names) works fast, is extremely convenient, and tastes horrible. Authorities worry that because it’s so easy to ingest kids will do multiple shots in quick succession which could be dangerous.

All in all, I think I’ll get a cup of coffee and head back to bed.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Since college football players appear to have (temporarily at least) won the right to unionize, it seems like a good idea to learn a little bit more about unions.

Being the kind of mother that I am, I hereby offer you my great wisdom and insight on unions and their history.

If we go back to Neanderthal days, working conditions were pretty lousy for everyone. The weather was lousy, the tools were lousy, and the grocery caves were always out of stock. However, everyone worked for himself (or his family) and that is where entrepreneurship and the mafia began.

Fast forward a while and (unless you were top of the food chain, royalty wise) working conditions were still pretty nasty. Overlords and other people with power spent their time making sure those Not With Power worked much harder and longer than was reasonable. One day, Joe the Slave complained to his wife about the working conditions at the pyramid sites. Mrs. Joe the Slave was tired and not in the mood to listen and told Joe to unionize or shut up. The next day, Joe took a look around the site, saw the whips and other implements of torture and cleverly shut up. Which is why Mrs. Joe the Slave is not the father of unionization but did get some peace and quiet in her hut.

Boring stuff, boring stuff…ah, here we are.

Fast forward some more to more modern, industrial age, awful working conditions.

One day, Joe the Machine Shop Worker was complaining to his wife about the working conditions of the machine shop. Since Mrs. Joe the Machine Shop Worker worked in a sweat shop and did all the household chores (that’s how things were done in Those Days), she was not in the mood to listen. “Joe,” said Mrs. Joe. “Lemme tell you what to do.” And she told him all about unionizing even though no one had ever heard of it before. Then she told him to invite his friends over so he could tell them, and she didn’t say one word other than “Would like some more tea?” during the meeting because that’s how things were done in Those Days. (Including that people pretended that what they were drinking was tea.)

So Joe and his friends made Demands of the machine shop owners and got beaten up for their troubles and Mrs. Joe had to take care of everything. Which was often the way it was done in Those Days.

But Joe and his buddies had made a point (as did several other people) and eventually the National Labor Union was founded in 1866. It did reasonably well, but when Samuel Gompers came along and founded the AFL things really got going. All the Joes and Mrs. Joes signed up and went on strike and turned American business upside right. (I just made that up, but it seems fitting.) The unions were able to get workers decent wages, decent hours, and decent working conditions.

There is no question (imho) that unions were an important and necessary thing when they first emerged into the fabric of American life. There are more questions about the role of unions these days. (Do they make it impossible to fire people who are not doing their job well? Have they driven up payrolls to the point where American companies can’t be competitive in the world market? Is too much time, money, and effort spent on making union bosses happy rather than on the work of the union? Etc.)

Much as I adore questions like that I have no interest in answering them (at least today) so you’ll have to develop your own POV (point of view) if you want one.

As to my POV about college football players unionizing? Personally, I’m not convinced it’s a good idea. But I’m pretty sure they had to do something to get the colleges and NCAA to make real and responsible change to the way college players are treated. Stay tuned. I have great faith that there will be more (much more) to the story.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Today

• Wake up
• Go back to sleep
• Wake up again
• Stumble downstairs
• Snuggle Puppy
• Consider having breakfast
• Try to use ESP to get someone to bring me breakfast
• Get breakfast myself
• Take cold medicine
• Stare at the TV while the meds kick in
• Stare at the TV some more
• Wonder what I’ve been watching on TV
• Wonder how people actually have energy today
• Consider having lunch – reject the idea as waaay too much work
• Decide not to leave the house today
• Promise to help Pi make latkes for school
• Wonder how to make latkes while sitting on the couch
• Watch Bengals football game—be glad I’m watching on TV and not in person
• Write to-do list
  • 1. Help Pi make latkes to take to school
  • 2. Pay Kid’s phone bill
  • 3. Continue making some progress cleaning things up
• Think about doing things on the to-do list
• Wish I could clone myself and have someone else work on that huge to-do list
• Try to use ESP to switch places with Booker. Think about getting off the couch to snuggle him. Decide that’s waaay too much effort.
• Send Pi to wash potatoes. Rest.
• Realize I might have to move at some point. Decide to put that off as long as possible.
• Try to use ESP to make a cup of tea. Decide I have absolutely no ESP-like abilities.
• Use ESP to cheer for the Bengals’ TD. Decide that really didn’t require ESP.
• Think taking a nap. Decide thinking is waaay too much work.
• Realize I am a pathetic lump of mom-ness.

Must go save up some energy to help Pi.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It’s officially winter. I know this because I was wearing my winter coat over my pajamas as I walked Booker this morning and the entire time I was wishing I had gloves. No matter how many times I checked my pockets, gloves did not appear. Booker thought it was delightful and bounded from blade of grass to blade of grass, sniffing and cheerfully cataloguing ever scented nuance. Of course, he was wearing a fur coat. And furry paws. And he’s not generally known for complaining about the weather (unless there is precipitation, in which case he has very clear views about staying inside). It seems like a ridiculously short time since I declared the start of fall, but shivering is a pretty good indicator of cold imho.

The Weather People (fooey) said there was going to be snow last night. They were wrong. (Excuse me one moment while I faint in surprise.) More interestingly (to me, anyway) my car has views on the weather! It was raining a little, but the streets were mostly dry when I left for work. I was on the hill heading down toward the fire station when my car beeped (I am NOT making this up) and a message came up on the display saying that there might be ice on the roads and I should please drive safely.

I. Was. Floored. (Which is better than my foot being floored what with the warning and all.) I’ve never had a car be concerned about my safety before.

But then I thought about it for a few minutes. Was the car asking me to drive safely to protect me or it? Is a car capable of the same sense of self-preservation I get when I have to walk down icy steps? Is Fred (that’s the car’s name because of the license plates) a kind, caring friend or just a selfish jerk?

In other warming news, Starbucks plans to open a tea house—the first one will be in NYC which is fab for Upper East Siders but not really an improvement for those of us in the Midwest.

Happy Tea-day,

Love, Mom