Dear Kid,

There’s this thing that’s supposed to happen in the middle of the night. It’s called sleep. And it’s eluding me. Apparently that last cup of Starbucks wasn’t exactly the right idea this afternoon.

So I am awake. Awake and unproductive. Because there are things one is not supposed to do in the middle of the night. Those things are: Everything That Isn’t Sleeping.

Theoretically speaking, I could clean up in the kitchen. But not only is that Not Sleeping, it would involve a dangerous (and by “dangerous” I mean loud) chain of events. I’d (sort of) like to clean up the counter. But that would involve cleaning up the sink. And that would be loud. And it would involve emptying the dishwasher. And that would be loud. And it might involve stubbing a toe, and that would most definitely be loud.

By then I’d have a woken up the entire household. Do you know what’s worse than me being awake in the middle of the night? The entire household being awake in the middle of the night. And do you know what’s worse than the entire household being awake in the middle of the night? The entire household being awake and cranky in the middle of the night. And I’m darn sure we’d have cranky people if my cleaning wakes them.

Besides, I have to be up really early.  Why are you keeping me awake, child? Let your cranky mother get some much deserved sleep. The elves can do the dishes later.

There is very little logic in my life at this hour of the day night.

Love, Mom

I just re-read the part about me cleaning. In the middle of the night. I am hilarious.

Don’t forget to share DearKidLoveMom.com. It’s a great way to start your weekend.

Dear Kid,

It’s National Blood Pressure Month.

Unfortunately, it’s also soccer season and hockey playoffs which means your father will not be participating in National Blood Pressure Month in the normal keep-your-blood-pressure down tradition.

It’s also National Barbecue Month and National Hamburger Month and National Salad Month.

I’m not sure these things are as well coordinated as they might be.

In other news, Starbucks has a new mini Frappuccino (only 4 billion calories of caffeinated brain freeze) and McDonald’s is serving kale at select locations.

Yep, you heard me. Mickey D is serving kale.

(I’ll give you a moment for that to settle in.)

The golden arches is testing kale in breakfast bowl. In Southern California. Because everyone goes to McD thinking “Hmmm….Egg McMuffin or Quinoa and Kale?”

Except for the alliteration (which I like a lot) the idea of Quinoa and Kale at McDonald’s does nothing for me. I take that back—it makes me slightly queasy, but other than that, nothing.

In case you’re in a betting sort of mood, you can be safe in betting that Girlfriendology and I will not be hopping a plane to Southern California to test the new food offering.

Enjoy lots of new taste and try lots of new things on your trip. (You are not required to try fast food kale if you don’t want to.)

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Have you heard about powdered caffeine? It’s the latest scary substance to hit college campuses.

Lets’ start with the basics: Avoid powdered caffeine.

Let me be clear. Caffeine isn’t great, but it isn’t hideously awful (unless you’re trying to quit caffeine—which I can tell you from personal experience is No Fun Whatsoever). I, myself, personally have gone back to drinking coffee. And Diet Coke. And sometimes tea.

I’ll be honest. I am addicted (see above comment about quitting).

But a cup of coffee (or two) or even a bunch of cups of coffee the morning of a big final are not what I’m talking about. Worst case with too many Stbx, you’re going to get jittery, and have an acid stomach, and be awake to enjoy your jittery stomach.

With caffeine powder, however, there is a good chance you won’t be around to be awake. And while sleeping thr

ough side effects is a little unkind, being dead through side effects is just downright rude.

The facts:

• Caffeine is a drug albeit one that is regulated like a dietary supplement when it’s regulated at all.
• A 12 ounce Diet Coke has about 45 milligrams of caffeine.
• An 8 oz cup of coffee has about 95 milligrams of caffeine.
• One grande Starbucks coffee (16 oz) has about 330 milligrams of caffeine (even their decaf has a lot of caffeine).
  

• Experts say you should have no more than 600 milligrams of caffeine per day.
• 5,000 to 10,000 milligrams is considered lethal (let me repeat: LETHAL).
• The serving size for powdered caffeine is 1/16 of a teaspoon. The smallest measuring spoon I own is ¼ teaspoon.
• One teaspoon of powdered caffeine (which looks like oh so reasonable an amount), has over 2,300 milligrams of caffeine (think 25 cups of coffee. All at once.).
• Two regular spoonfuls of powdered caffeine is the same as chugging 70 Red Bulls. Which is unhealthy for more reasons than I care to write about.

Stay away from powdered caffeine and get your jitters the old fashioned way.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It’s officially winter. I know this because I was wearing my winter coat over my pajamas as I walked Booker this morning and the entire time I was wishing I had gloves. No matter how many times I checked my pockets, gloves did not appear. Booker thought it was delightful and bounded from blade of grass to blade of grass, sniffing and cheerfully cataloguing ever scented nuance. Of course, he was wearing a fur coat. And furry paws. And he’s not generally known for complaining about the weather (unless there is precipitation, in which case he has very clear views about staying inside). It seems like a ridiculously short time since I declared the start of fall, but shivering is a pretty good indicator of cold imho.

The Weather People (fooey) said there was going to be snow last night. They were wrong. (Excuse me one moment while I faint in surprise.) More interestingly (to me, anyway) my car has views on the weather! It was raining a little, but the streets were mostly dry when I left for work. I was on the hill heading down toward the fire station when my car beeped (I am NOT making this up) and a message came up on the display saying that there might be ice on the roads and I should please drive safely.

I. Was. Floored. (Which is better than my foot being floored what with the warning and all.) I’ve never had a car be concerned about my safety before.

But then I thought about it for a few minutes. Was the car asking me to drive safely to protect me or it? Is a car capable of the same sense of self-preservation I get when I have to walk down icy steps? Is Fred (that’s the car’s name because of the license plates) a kind, caring friend or just a selfish jerk?

In other warming news, Starbucks plans to open a tea house—the first one will be in NYC which is fab for Upper East Siders but not really an improvement for those of us in the Midwest.

Happy Tea-day,

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time there was very nice little a goat who was having trouble staying awake to study for Upcoming Exams of the Important Variety. Distracted, the goat nibbled on a few berries from the bush he was standing beside and immediately started kicking up his heels and studying chemistry with abandon. ‘This would be even better in a cup,’ thought the very nice little goat. And the coffee industry was born.

How to make coffee

Option 1

1. Grow a coffee bush, either arabica or robusta.
2. Pick, process, and dry the berries to get to the seeds.
3. Roast the aforementioned seeds.
4. Grind the roasted seeds.
5. Brew.
6. Drink.

Option 2

Get someone else to do the work in numbers 1 through 5.

Seven Facts You Might Not Know About Coffee

Coffee is one of the most consumed drinks in the world. Countless (except for Grandma who can count anything) people have studied the health effects of coffee. Some by doing actual scientific studies, some by drinking enough espresso to send their eyeballs twitching in different directions. Unsurprisingly, there are 3.72 times as many opinions as there have been studies, and pretty much none of them agree on anything except that they were studying coffee.

There are people who say a good cup of coffee is akin to a religious experience. They don’t know how right they are. While we know nothing of the religious orientation of the goat, coffee was for years mostly consumed by Muslims. Then in 1600, Pope Clement VIII declared coffee a Christian beverage. (I did not make that up.) These days it is clearly a non-denominational beverage unless you consider Starbucks a church.

The East India Company was the first major importer of coffee. This is important because you learned about the East India Company in grade school. See? Social Studies was not complete waste of time.

When there is a choice, choose shade grown coffee. MUCH, much better for the environment. Also coffee beans can’t apply sunscreen all by themselves and they taste better when roasted in the roaster rather than in the tropical sun. Trust me, you’ll thank me.

Coffee grounds are excellent for composting. Worms dig coffee grounds (get it?) and why not? Dirt can get pretty boring.

Decaf coffee is coffee that has had some to most of its caffeine removed. Some to Most means there really is no such thing as caffeine-free coffee. Starbucks for example keeps enough caffeine in their decaf to power a small city. “What,” you ask, “is done with the leftover caffeine?” Excellent question. The extracted caffeine is usually sold to the pharmaceutical industry for things like medication to take when you have a headache from coffee addiction.

Coffee can also be incorporated with alcohol in beverages—it is combined with whiskey in Irish coffee, and forms the base of alcoholic coffee liqueurs such as Kahlúa, and Tia Maria. Coffee is also sometimes used in the brewing process of darker beers, such as a stout or porter. That is important because everyone knows that all college students live solely on beer and coffee. Drink a stout or porter (once you’re old enough) and you get a two for one!

Sunday (September 29) is National Coffee Day which only means that you can say “Happy National Coffee Day” as you lift a cup.

Love, Mom

and because I love you, 42 seconds of Hoodwinked. Caffeine baby!