Dear Kid,

Pull on the brakes and stop the presses because it turns out we’ve all been had.

The well-known Irish phrase “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya’” is well-known but not so Irish. It was invented by Hollywood to seem Irish.

And if that weren’t enough to stop your non-Irish eyes from smilin’, the well-known response “and the rest of the day to yourself” is also Hollywood fiction.

AND corned beef and cabbage is a distinctly Irish-American meal—quite probably borrowed from Jews in the neighborhood (in Ireland you’d be eating bacon, my friend).

The oldest and largest St. Patrick’s Day Parade is in—wait for it—New York City.

On the “it’s real” side of things, the wearing of the green really did originate in Ireland in the 17^th or 18^th century. Except they didn’t wear green clothing, they wore shamrocks (to symbolize the trinity). It was a rebellious act by Catholics (Catholicism was forbidden) to show their defiance of the ruling class. On the other hand, the original color associated with St. P was blue, so go figure.

As for green beer, not so much in Ireland. It’s an American invention (which does nothing to improve the taste of beer or the people who drink it).

And finally, as for Saint Patrick having banished the snakes from Ireland? Well, this would be about equivalent to me banishing the zebras from our house. We don’t have any zebras (and Ireland hasn’t had snakes since before the glaciers) so getting rid of them isn’t a big trick.

Having said all that…Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Kiss Me I’m Irish, because today everyone is Irish.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

So much celebration this weekend!

Yesterday was Pi Day (a day I hope you celebrated with 3.14 times the excitement of other days). It was also National Popcorn Day (it’s OK to celebrate today if you didn’t get to it yesterday).

Today is the Ides of March (watch your back), Incredible Kid Day (as every day should be), and Everything You Think is Wrong Day (as no day should be). Tonight is the start of Purim (which has better food than Everything You Think Is Wrong Day.) And the continuation of We Are Going To Get This House Cleaned Up Day Weekend Week Month Year Whatever.

Tomorrow is Everything You Do is Right Day–I’m not sure how that’s different from most days of the year (I’m a mom, after all) but what the heck–enjoy.

Monday is St. Patrick’s Day. Break out the Green t-shirt (I still need a picture) but please don’t pinch anyone not obviously drenched in green. Tis just Not Done now that you’re in college.

Tuesday you might want to nap because Wednesday is National Poultry Day. Then Thursday is Extraterrestrial Abductions Day and we all know that’s bound to be a Big Day for all.

Do not ask where some of these less well known holidays come from. I don’t have a clue. I didn’t make them up (more’s the pity) but they’re on the internet, so they must be important.

Especially National Popcorn Day.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Next Monday is Saint Patrick’s Day. This is very important because it is a marvelous time to get serious about looking for leprechauns.

Leprechauns are pretty interesting little dudes. In addition to keeping all their gold in the End of the Rainbow bank, they spend all their time making shoes (now do you see why I like them so much? Shoes and a hefty bank account. What’s not to love?)

Leprechauns are solitary creatures and not at all fond of being captured by humans. If one should be lucky enough to capture a leprechaun, the leprechaun will grant you three wishes in exchange for being set free. One must be particularly careful about choosing those wishes, Oh Best Beloved, because leprechauns are known for being practical jokers.

You have my full permission to begin searching for leprechauns now. If you catch one, I’ll be happy to offer my advice about the three wishes.

In the meantime, you might want to practice your Irish phrases for next week so that you will not be stuck with saying “Top o’ the Mornin’ to Ya” all day long. Here are five really good ones.

May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been, the foresight to know where you are going, and the insight to know when you have gone too far.

You’ve got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your father was.

A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures.

Forgetting a debt doesn’t mean it’s paid.

May you get all your wishes but one, so that you will always have something to strive for!

and one bonus phrase in case you encounter anyone who is prone to using the phrases “it is a fact” when (in fact) it isn’t.

Pity him who makes an opinion a certainty.

Love, Mom