Posts Tagged "sneeze"

The Universe Handed Me a Gift (You Didn’t See This One Coming, Did You?)

Dear Kid,

Every now and then the Universe pops up and hands me a little present. I am always careful to say “Thank you” most politely because that’s what one does when the Universe goes out of its way to be kind.

A few years ago, the gift was when doctors decided that wine has important health benefits and therefore a cup full of vino is the medicine going down. Yippee and Thank You.

Then the medical profession decided that coffee has heart benefits. This has nothing to do with actual benefits (I’m sure it’s just great marketing from the coffee cartel) but what do I care whether it’s real or not? The docs say “Drink coffee,” I say make it a strong one. And Thank You.

The best part is that I never intended to change my behavior (Coffee’s not good for me? Unfortunate. I’ll still drink the same amount.). But having the Universe’s blessing for my behavior makes me feel loved and special and much less guilty.

Now, once again, the Universe has handed out a completely unexpected present. This one may be the silliest one ever, but since it is a Proven Scientific and Medical Fact, who am I to argue?

The Universe has declared that it is unhealthy to make your bed every morning.

Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

I promise. It doesn't make a bit of difference to me if you make the bed or not. I'm comfy.

This, of course, proves that I am The Most Knowing of All Mothers You’ve Ever Had because I only insisted you actually make your bed about twice a year (on the same days I made my bed—namely, when Grandma was visiting). I am so far ahead of my time, it’s crazy.

You do not need to point out that “ahead of my time” and “lazy” in this case refer to the same thing.

I don’t particularly care for bed-making. I find it is a great way to break my nails and all I do is mess it up a pretty bed all over again. It’s a thankless job (in my opinion) so I skip it on a regular basis (and by “regular basis” I mean “daily”). It’s perfectly fine with me if someone else makes the bed; in fact, I like climbing in to a freshly made bed. I just don’t like it enough to do the actual bed-making in the first place.

There are people who do like making the bed (or who think they do since the habit is so ingrained). To them I say “Have at it” just don’t ask me to do the same thing. And now the Universe says we have a Good Excuse not to make the bed.

The reason making your bed is unhealthy is dust mites. Dust mites are the invisible creatures who live in our linens and chow down on the billions of skin cells we shed. The dust mites poop invisible mite poop and we sneeze. Not good for the allergy-affiliated among us. (In a scientifically significant oversight, it turns out that dust mites and dust dragons are not related.)

It turns out that dust mites prefer nice moist skin cells. The kind that get tucked in every morning when someone makes the bed. They are much less excited about eating dried up skin cells (the kind that dry out every day when you don’t make the bed).

So now you have a scientific reason for not making the bed. And sneezing is once again entirely up to you.

Love, Mom

Read More

Achoo! Sneeze Travel 100 mph and Other Important Information

Dear Kid,

If you happened to be alive in the year 600, and if you happened to have accesses to papal decrees (which was not easy given that Twitter didn’t exist), you would have learned that according to Pope Gregory (the Great) saying “God bless you” is the correct response when someone sneezes. Pope Gregory (the Great) has had a lasting impact on the world.

Sneeze Achoo! Facts you probably don't know about sneezesSneezing’s official name is sternutation. Knowing that will not necessarily make you popular at parties. Reading about sneezing made me sneeze. No one was around to bless me, but I seem to have survived. And I now have interesting sneeze facts to share with you.

The nerves that are involved with sneezing relax when we sleep which is why people don’t sneeze when asleep.

Sneezes travel about 100 miles an hour and can send over 100,000 germs flying toward your roommate. Which is why covering your nose and mouth when you sneeze is more than polite.

Exercise might make you sneeze if you hyperventilate (which makes your nose and mouth dry out, which makes your nose drip, which might make you sneeze).

Sunshine makes some people sneeze, but it’s an inherited trait so you probably don’t have to worry about that.

Sex makes some people sneeze. It has to do with the parasympathetic nervous system, but I don’t really understand why.

Cold air can make people sneeze. And whine. Not that I would whine about cold air (achoo!).

Sneeze Achoo! Facts you probably don't know about sneezesPopping pimples cause sneezing. Which is another reason to leave your face alone.

Iguanas sneeze more than any other animal to get rid of salt that is the byproduct of their digestive process. There might be a good business ideas in hankies for iguanas.

I fear one day I’ll meet God, he’ll sneeze and I won’t know what to say. ~Ronnie Shakes

It is not possible to sneeze with your eyes open, and it is not worth skipping some of your studying to try to disprove this fact.


Love, Mom

Read More

Being Upper Crust is Nothing to Sneeze At, Bad Days, and Candide

nothing to sneeze at Dear Kid,

Alas my young one, it appears you are learning one of the Lessons of Life: Not every day at every job is a slice of heaven.

There are days when work is (for lack of a better term) work. Even people blessed with truly loving their jobs have days they could Easily Do Without.

Very few of us have figured out how to get paid for watching YouTube videos and eating brownies. Since most of us require an income in order to keep kibble in the proverbial puppy dish, we have had to find Income Opportunities.

Important: Relying on the Tooth Fairy to provide you with a steady income only works if you have figured out how to continually grow teeth (like a shark) and negotiated a reasonable per tooth rate.

Important #2: Buying lottery tickets in hopes of Winning Big only increases your odd minimally over not buying tickets.

From the Department of Silver Linings, there is good news about having a bad day at work: it means you are fortunate enough to have a job in the first place and that is nothing to sneeze at.

Speaking of nothing to sneeze at, in 17th century England people believed that sneezing cleared the brain (I personally have never felt particularly brain-cleansed after a sneeze, but then again I have never lived in 17th century England). Sneezing became important-like checking your smart phone every 17 seconds. Actually, more like checking your latest and greatest and newest i-device every 17 seconds because the more you sneezed the more you proved you were part of the upper section of the crust. Wealthy people carried around fancy boxes of snuff (tobacco) or herbs that when sniffed caused great sneezing. (A Pinch of Snuff is a tale for another day.)

Anyhoo, sooner rather than later a sneeze came to mean you disapproved of something or were bored (see? Like checking your phone when Others Are Present). Wherefore and hence, therefore and ergo “nothing to sneeze at” means something is important and/or worthy of attention.

“But,” you ask still stuck in the previous paragraph, “where does the phrase ‘upper crust’ come from?” (I just love when you ask questions like that.)

Back to the 1500s. There is a lovely bit of nonsense that says loaves of bread were divided with the workers getting the burnt bottom crust, the family getting the middle of the loaf, and guests getting the upper crust. Or—according to a different version of the tale—workers getting the bottom and the aristocracy getting the upper crust. Either way it’s a bunch of hooey because who keeps a baker that regularly burns the bread? Ridiculous. Also, while some people may enjoy the crusty part, there are plenty of us who prefer the middle part of the loaf. Just ask any mom who has ever cut crusts off a pb&j sandwich. (Don’t look at me—I believe in spreading both the pb and the j all the way to the edge of the bread and expecting children to eat the entire sandwich.)

According to one source, upper crust didn’t come to mean the gentry until the 19th century (my, we are having quite a ride through history today, aren’t we?). Prior to that it referred to the crust of the earth or person’s hat. Or possibly even the top of a loaf of bread.

“Wherefore and hence, therefore and ergo” is from Candide, and thanks to the Best of All Possible Uncles, the clip is here for your viewing pleasure. Extra points if you know what else the composer wrote composed.

Wherefore and hence, therefore and ergo I hope tomorrow is a better day at work.

Love, Mom

Leonard Bernstein who wrote the score for Candide also composed West Side Story.

Read More


Can't remember to check for new posts? No prob. I'll send it to you.

Online Marketing

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

Blogarama - The Blog Directory

Blog Directory
%d bloggers like this: