Dear Kid,

Turns out technology and food are inexorably linked.

Have I told you about my superpower? Actually, I have several, but the one I’m talking about right now is the Ability to Kill Electronics (superhero theme music plays in background).

My business plan is that when I retire, I will rent myself out to people who want to take a break in their day. I will sit in the lobby of their business and, by my mere superhero presence, shut down all computers on the premises. The people who hired me (and their coworkers) get a break while IT frantically fixes everything. Brilliant.

Apparently, Grandpa has a similar (and more powerful) superpower. Combined, we are a human supermagnet.

Remember the long wait for a table at the restaurant the other night? (Read about it here.) Part of the Problem of the Delay was that the restaurant’s computer system crashed mere moments after we arrived. The crashed system meant they couldn’t put in orders for food, process credit cards, or – apparently – seat people.

In this particular case, the lack of technology also threw the waitstaff (two people) into A Complete Tizzy.

They cleverly switched to their backup system.

Did I mention that both Grandpa and I were present?

The backup crashed.

This meant they were reduced to using smoke signals to communicate their orders to the chef, and taking payment in the form of live chickens.

The Tizzy elevated to a full-fledged Frenzy.

The patrons meanwhile began discussing the best methods for raising poultry and the current flatbread/chicken exchange rate.

The moral of the story, Oh Dear One, is to learn basic math facts and skills—or be sure to carry an abacus around with you.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Today is the 600^th DearKidLoveMom blog. This has exactly no historical significance. There is no need to applaud unless you really want to. In which case, who am I to object?

Once I realized that it was the 600^th blog, I immediately turned to My Friend the Internet to see what interesting information I could find about the number 600. MFTI was—as usual—most helpful.

The Coca-Cola 600 is the longest NASCAR race (at 600 miles). The race takes place in May at the Charlotte Motor Speedway (just in case you were thinking about buying tickets).

600 “represents the Karma of the microcosmic individual.” I have no idea what that means. If anyone can explain it, I would be delighted to listen. Unless it’s a bunch of drivel in which case I will forgo the education.

Noah was 600 when the flood began. One would assume he aged significantly while afloat with all those animals. I’m guessing one measures time in dog years when one is aboard the ark.

The number 600 is pronic as it is the product of two consecutive numbers (in this case 24 and 25—aren’t you glad I figured it out for you?). Turns out there are a bunch of other classifications I’ve never heard of (like cake and pizza numbers.  I kid you not. I thought I understood the definitions of those, but when I looked at the examples, it turns out I don’t. I shall consult my fave mathematician and baker.).

The head of Goliath’s spear weighed 600 shekels of iron. This is about half what my purse usually weighs.

The number 600 is used 25 times in the Bible. I’m not sure which Bible or who counted, but MFTI says it’s true, so there you have it.

In the year 600 CE Pope Gregory the Great decreed “God bless You” as the religiously correct response to a sneeze. This is probably my favorite fact about the number 600. What’s yours?

Alfred, Lord Tennyson, immortalized the six hundred in The Charge of the Light Brigade.

The Charge of the Light Brigade

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
“Forward, the Light Brigade!
“Charge for the guns!” he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

and so on

According to Japanese lore, when the crane (or stork) turns 600, it ceases to eat and is satisfied with drinking.

600 basketballs were available to use during the London Olympics.

On average, you will take 600 million breaths during your life. I advise living long enough to far exceed this number.

The odds of being struck by lightning are about 600 thousand to one. Of course, if you get hit by lightning, you might not get to take all 600 million breaths, so listen to your mother and don’t play golf during a lightning storm.

There are 600 pain censors in each square inch of skin. Unless you get a papercut in which case there are 600 x 600 pain censors per millimeter of skin.

It takes (about) 600 cows to make enough footballs for a single NFL season. Cows typically do not volunteer for football making duty. I should really write a blog about footballs.

There are approximately 600 ingredients in cigarettes. None of them are good for you. If necessary, I can provide 600 reasons you shouldn’t smoke. Not for you, but you might know someone who can benefit.

And once I sign off, this blog will have 600 words. Just exactly 600.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

All of a sudden (it seems), the hot new trend is hookah. That is not the New England pronunciation of a street walker, it is the water pipe used to smoke tobacco. Hookah can also be called narghile, argileh, shisha, hubble-bubble, or goza but I have no idea why.

This “overnight” sensation (and I know it’s a sensation because John Taffer did a Bar Rescue episode for a hookah bar) began several centuries ago in Persia and India. So much for overnight, unless you’re Rip Van Winkle on steroids.

Some people think smoking tobacco through a hookah is safe. In a word, they are wrong, wrong, wrong. Also, they are not right. Here are the facts.

Hookah tobacco and smoke contain toxins that can cause clogged arteries and heart disease.

None of the toxins are taken out by the water or the smoke. Allow me to repeat: None. As in, not a-one.

Hookah smokers get the same fabulous menu of dread diseases cigarette smokers get including

• Oral cancer
• Lung cancer
• Stomach cancer
• Cancer of the esophagus
• Reduced lung function
• Decreased fertility

Only they probably have an increased risk because the way it’s used, hookah smokers generally absorb more of the toxins than cigarette smokers. An average hookah session lasts an hour, which generally translates to 200 puffs (an average cigarette lasts 20 puffs) and 90,000 milliliters of smoke (500 milliliters inhaled for a cig).

The second-hand smoke is worse too since you get the smoke from the tobacco and from the charcoal that’s used as the heat source.

Hookah smoking is generally a group activity and the pipe is passed around—which means the opportunity for infection from a shared mouthpiece. Oh, good.

Here’s the truth about more hookah mythology:

• Flavored tobacco isn’t healthier.
• Electronic hookah smoking (including steam stones and hookah pens) is not healthier.
• Tobacco-based shisha and “herbal” shisha are not healthier.
• The labels and ads that claim users can enjoy the same taste from hookah without the harmful effects of tobacco are blowing smoke. Toxic smoke.

Stay smoke free, kiddo.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

“Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.” For example, I happen to think that Booker is adorable but not everyone might agree with me. Wait…everyone thinks Booker is adorable. Bad example.

How about this? I love the color purple. There are probably some poor, misguided people in the world who don’t adore purple. All we can do is feel sorry for them, repeat that Beauty is the Eye of the Beholder, and hope that they go to the eye doctor soon to get their Beauty Appreciation Levels checked.

(Isn’t it uncomfortable to have Beauty in your eye when you’re wearing contacts? Never mind. Moving on.)

The point is that intelligent people can have different views about what is or is not attractive. The great news is you don’t have to look through their eyes (also, presumably uncomfortable). And while intelligent people can disagree, most people agree that these Five Things Can Make Even a Stunner Seem Pretty Unattractive.

Smoking. Back in the seriously olden days, cigarette ads (see? Olden days when there were such things as cigarette ads) portrayed smoking as cool. Movies still sometimes do (but then again, movies also show scary creatures with too many teeth eating the universe, so not sure the cinema is a good source of reality). There is very little that is even mildly attractive about someone huffing and puffing and squinting when the smoke gets in their eyes and having nicotine stains and smelling like stale smoke and turning their lungs black. Ew.

Bad manners. I’m not talking about forgetting to hold the door open occasionally or forgetting to text your grandmother thank you for the latest care package. (HINT!) I’m talking about chewing with your mouth open or stuffing an entire piece of pizza into your face at once. Or—never mind. I can’t even bring myself to illustrate the myriad of ways people can be disgusting and make you say to yourself, “never mind, I’ll pass.”

Potty mouth. Even the best of us are likely to say something like “Son of a SQUID” when we hammer our thumb instead of a nail or “daaaaaaammmmn” when the Bengals throw a last minute TD to tie the score and send the game into overtime (and then go on to lose which really, do people NOT get the point that you should trust the kicker?). But when every other word is the something that would raise an eyebrow among hardened sailors, it’s just not reasonable anymore. Swearing can get in the way of anything resembling a conversation. Who needs it?

Inappropriate behavior. Again, not talking about the little things like bumping into someone taking their first sip of coffee at Starbucks. I’m not even talking about the big things like accidentally throwing a bottle in the garbage rather than into the recycling bin. I’m talking about the really bad stuff like inappropriate touching or talking to someone in a way that just makes them feel uncomfortable. No one in the world has ever said, “Oh, look at that stud. He’s making someone feel bad. I so hope he’ll ask me out.”

Inappropriate clothing. I get that there are different standard of dress for going to an 8am college class than for having tea with the Queen. But there are standards nonetheless. Clothing is meant to enhance a person’s appearance (and protect them from frostbite while not getting in the way while they flee from a pursuing wooly mammoth). When someone wears clothes 2 sizes too small (extra points if you get the reference) and people stare in horror and whisper, “how is it possible she looked in the mirror this morning and thought “dang, I look good!”?” the standard has been missed. Or when someone is wearing a muscle T-Shirt (without the muscles) and you think to yourself “TMI—I did NOT need to know the shape of the mole on his back,” they have missed the standard. Very few people will be saying, “Gotta get me some of that!”

Not all of us are ANTM (America’s Next Top Model) candidates. Most of us will not stop traffic with our stunning good looks (except maybe in Rome where traffic is a perpetual mess). Very few of us will be remembered centuries from now with a sigh and “ahhhhh, what a beauty.” On the other hand, none of us need to be the poster child for What Not to Do.

Hope your cold is getting better, kiddo.

Love, Mom

The Grinch was born with a heart two sizes too small.