Dear Kid,

It may (or may not) surprise you to learn that you are not the only child heading to college in the near future. And it may (or may not) surprise you to learn that those other children heading to college soon also have mothers. Furthermore, it may (or may not) surprise you to learn that I have been talking with several of those parentals. (Several–as in many more than one. So don’t go blaming anyone in particular.)

Speaking on behalf of Mothers Everywhere Who Have a Child Leaving for College Soon: Thou Art Still Here.

“Huhh?” you mumble. “What are you talking about? I’m barely awake. Can you try again using small words? Preferably in a language I speak?”

So much for “I’m awake and I speak English, so yeah I know what you mean.”

There are (at least) two definitions of “living under our roof”. One means We are supporting you financially the other is You are literally sleeping in the same abode we are.

Let’s focus on the implications of Physically in Our Abode.

I know you have mentally already made the move to college. However, while you may have mentally moved on, you are physically still here. And as Fiona says, there are rules and there are strictures.

Which means you need to move your own dishes from in front of the TV all the way to the kitchen and into the dishwasher.

I have been trying to get a good set of elves for years. You know, the kind that show up in the night while everyone is sleeping and get all the chores done. Unfortunately, we remain elves-less (not to be confused with Elvis, but he has left the building and I’m not sure he was ever all that good at washing dishes).

I have also been trying to get one of the anti-static/dirt sucking machine things that you have to go through in order to get into a sealed off hospital room (I watch House, so I know about these things). If we had something like that, we’d prevent dirt from coming into the house. Then if we could get everyone (including Booker) to wear a clean suit, we wouldn’t have to vacuum nearly as often. Yes, it would make eating more difficult, but that would cut down on crumbs. Until we figure it out, the house needs to be dusted, vacuumed, and otherwise cleaned. You are expected to do your fair share.

Speaking of expectations, the World’s Most Wonderful Puppy expects to be walked and fed at regular intervals. To be fair, he hopes to be fed at three-second intervals throughout the entire day, but he gets very insistent at dinnertime which—according to tradition and his tummy—is 6pm. Not 6-whatever. In addition, we have had a chore-chart for Lo These Many Years and I know you and Pi have memorized who walks and feeds the pooch which night. While I am vaguely entertained by the notion that you are shocked (shocked! I tell you) that it’s your night, I am not at all entertained by the fuss, eye rolling, and delays.

So for several more days (several meaning “6”), please fold laundry, wash dishes, and otherwise be actively helpful around the house.

Your parents appreciate your kind cooperation in this matter.

Love, Mom

P.S. These expectations will be in full effect during vacations, interim sessions, etc.

Clip of Fiona from Shrek provided for your viewing pleasure.