Dear Kid,

Speaking of Olympic sports (I’m sure I was at some point), I’ve been watching some of the swimming trials.

And it occurs to me that there is an event missing.

Not the women’s 1500, although that’s clearly missing and anyone who thinks women can’t handle endurance events is clearly off his rocker. (Not saying I could do it, but there are women who can. And they should be allowed to do it in the Olympics.)

Nor am I talking about the obvious misses like the 100 meter doggy paddle (with real dogs) or jellyfish relay (in which swimmers must dodge Portuguese Man O War jellyfish during their event).

No. I am (of course) referring to synchronized swimming.

Now before you get all futzed at me, I know there is an event called “synchronized swimming.” And I know it is crazy difficult and highly competitive and it’s beautiful to watch even if Esther Williams isn’t participating. But – let’s be honest here – it’s water ballet, not swimming.

I’m not downgrading the sport we currently call synchronized swimming. I just think we should rename it and add an event called sychro-swim.

Each delegation will enter two swimmers who must—simultaneously and in unison—complete two laps of the pool. Entering and existing the water will be included in the judging.

Synchro-swim will be scored using a very technical and difficult algorithm (the better to give commentators something to comment on and delegations something to protest, thereby ensuring that we capture the true Olympic spirit). The event will be scored 50% on speed and 50% on synchronicity and 10% on how good breakfast was. Subjective scoring will be done using a binomial theorem and a base 9 metric incorporating the median variation and hippopotamus.

No idea what that means either, but the commentators will have a field day.

I can’t believe the Olympic committee hasn’t yet called me to consult on this.

Crazy how people can miss the obvious.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Have you noticed that the summer Olympics are coming up? And that they’re going to be in Rio?

Yeah, you probably knew that. Which means that it is time to learn a little bit about Rio de Janeiro. Specifically, the big statue that photo-bombs every picture of the city.

The statue in question is called Christ the Redeemer. At least in English. It’s called Cristo Redentor in Portuguese which you don’t speak.

The statue is 98 feet tall, has a wingspan of 92 feet, and stands (literally) at the top of Corcovado Mountain (which is 2,300 feet high). This is why you look up to see it.

That people can look up to see it without throwing their entire spinal cord out of alignment is one of the reasons it’s considered one of the New Seven Wonders of the World.

Stick with me here for a minute. The statue is in Brazil, was create by a Polish-French sculptor, the face was made by a Romanian artist, and it’s named in Portuguese (because that’s what they speak in Brazil). His outstretched arms are a symbol of peace.

Maybe it is the perfect piece of art for the Olympics.

Love, Mom