Dear Kid,

Me: Come on, honey, wake up
Puppy: Sleeping
Me: I know, but it’s time to get up
Puppy: (Yawn) It’s very early
Me: I know. But I’m up, and maybe we can beat the rain
Puppy: I think I’d rather snuggle
Me: Snuggles are lovely, but you hate rain
Puppy: It’s very early

Puppy: It’s raining!
Me: I think I might have mentioned something to that effect
Puppy: Let’s go home
Me: It’s only going to get worse. Come on
Puppy: Whose idea was this walk thing?

Puppy: You must be very fragile
Me: Why do you say that?
Puppy: You have an umbrella every time it rains
Me: Yes
Puppy: and Boots
Me: Very Fun Striped Rain Boots, yes
Puppy: I don’t have an umbrella
Me: No
Puppy: Or rainboots
Me: No
Puppy: You must have a bad reaction to rain
Me: Something like that

Puppy: It’s raining
Me: Pretty sure we discussed that already
Puppy: You want me to poop in the rain?
Me: That was the general idea, yes
Puppy: You’re nuts

Me: Good boy, let’s go home
Puppy: well…
Me: It’s raining, let’s go home
Puppy: I’m not in a rush
Me: You hate the rain!
Puppy: You woke me up very early
Me: And?
Puppy: And it’s raining
Me: And?
Puppy: And I believe I will take my own sweet time
Me: Why?
Puppy: There are things to sniff and…
Me: And?
Puppy: And I will smell like Wet Dog
Me: Oh, joy
Puppy: Next time don’t wake me up so early

Me: Sit
Puppy: Why?
Me: So I can dry you off
Puppy: You already dried me off
Me: With towel number one. This is a two-towel day, my friend
Puppy: You’re delaying my breakfast
Me: Sit

Puppy: Mom
Me: Yes, baby
Puppy: I don’t like rain very much
Me: I know
Puppy: But, Mom?
Me: Yes, baby
Puppy: It’s not as bad when we go together
Me: Thank you sweetie.
Puppy: Scratch more, please

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

As I may have mention once or twice or twelve thousand times, electricity is a wonderful thing.

Do you know what happens in a really, really bad storm? A storm so bad that the Puppy (who usually ignores weather unless it is directly getting him wet) starts shivering and hyperventilating? A storm so bad that it throws rain AND hail? A storm so Right Here that the lightening doesn’t even wait for the thunder before hitting again? A storm so loud that it drowns out the TV?

I’ll tell you what happens.

Anger.

Scientifically speaking, this is called an Angry Storm. Its mother probably called it Bob or something but its scientific name is Big Honkin’ Angry Storm. And BHAS looked in the windows of several houses and realized people were watching TV and not paying Proper Attention to the weather event. And BHAS got even angrier.

Do you know what happened then? I’ll tell you.

Out go the lights. Everyone looks up at the lights as if staring at them will bring back the electricity. Amazingly it does. On go the lights (and all the other appliances that had been running thirty seconds earlier). We all go back to what we were doing.

Zap! Out go the lights. Since it worked so well the first time, we all stare up at the lights again. And once again, the staring seems to do it. Zipp! On go the lights.

Then Snap! Crackle! Pop! Out go the lights. This time the staring does not intimidate any of the electrical appliances and they remain stubbornly dark. And silent.

Cue action for living beings.

Our resident 16 year old began to squawk like a stranded monkey. Dad started yelling to me, “Do not move! Do Not Move a Muscle! I am coming to bring you a flashlight! Do not move and start banging into things before I get there!” I’m not quite sure what he banged into on the way to bring me the flashlight but I’m pretty sure it didn’t break. At least not completely.

Pi transitioned from stranded monkey to hyperactive banshee. There wass much loudness.

Is it any wonder the Puppy freaked out?

Guess what else? I only had 38% battery on my phone, so I had that going for me.

Did you know it is not possible to charge a phone from a candle? No matter how many candles you light, none of them have plugs.

Did you know it is not possible to wash dishes by candle light? No matter how many candles I lit, I still didn’t want to wash them. (Not possible, didn’t want to, potato, potahto.)

Did you know that it is most assuredly possible to break a nail by candle light? But finding a nail file? Nope, not possible.

Sometime during the night pop! elkcarc! naps! the electricity came back on.

Science lesson of the day: Both staring at the lights and sleeping can sometimes cause the electricity to return.

Science lesson of the day #2: The dishes do not wash themselves during a blackout.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Have you ever noticed that traveling looks wonderful and invigorating in television commercials and magazine ads?

I can only assume that this is because the actors have a) all traveled first class to get to their destination and b) have had several days to rest from said travels.

Or because the ad was filmed on a sound stage which required a commute time of 27 minutes.

Or because there is something magical about the hats the actors wear (you know, the huge brimmed hats that make the women look like movie stars). Of course, the magic called “retouching” and “photoshop” help too.

Real life travel is not advertisement-quality travel. Unless by advertisement-quality you mean it’s flat and tasteless.

Real life travel is tiring. It may mean delayed (or canceled) flights. It may mean driving through rain and hail in places like East Nowhere, PA. It generally involves meals that sit awkwardly in your stomach like a misplaced bowling ball (looking at you, Cracker Barrel). It inevitably means (for me) too much caffeine and too little sleep.

Also it does bad things to my hair. You don’t have this problem, I know. But I do. I don’t know how some women manage to travel with their own cadre of hairdressers, but they look fabulous while I look like mice found lodging near my scalp.

The good news is there is often good stuff at the other end of travel. Like family. And borrowed puppies. And sometimes warm weather.

And travel, no matter how wonderful, always makes us appreciate home just a little bit more.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid Mickey,

Thank you for a lovely day at EPCOT. We had several skeptics in our family, all of whom were converted to fans by the end of the day.

Of course, we ate our way from one end of the world to the other. We enjoyed Bouche de Noel, grapefruit beer, apple strudel, chocolate mousse (not to be confused with you, oh Round Eared One), crepes, many choices of Chinese food, gelato, and probably more that I’ve forgotten. Yes, a bit heavy on the dessert side, but we made up for it at dinner at the Nine Dragons. It’s not obvious that the 900 miles we walked will be sufficient to burn off the calories. It’s not obvious that dieting for the next 30 months will be sufficient, but it was all really good. Especially the mousse. Yum!

The night-ending Illumination was spectacular. As The Kid said, “They really figured out how to use the smoke from the fireworks to their best advantage.” Tal said it was the best fireworks and light display she’s ever seen. I’m rather inclined to agree.

Somehow we managed to avoid the worst of the rain (so clever of us, don’t you think?) by being at dinner during what we were assured by other guests was an absolute deluge and then running between a few raindrops for the rest of the evening. Thanks for turning off the rain during the Illumination, because I’m not sure I’d have been happy to stand and watch it during a monsoon, and it was definitely worth staying for.

We didn’t get to see Figment during our visit; please tell him we said hi.

FACT: It is true that teenagers can go an entire day without TV during vacation.

UNPROVEN: We have not yet established that teenagers can go an entire day without their cell phones, although they were judicious in their use of their communication devices.

Again, thanks for inviting us to come and visit. We had a great time and hope you’ll visit us in a Ohio soon.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Thanks for your help planning an outstanding field trip.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It’s a beautiful day here in Cincinnati. And by “beautiful” I raining like crazy. So if you happen to like wet weather (and the accompanying smell of wet dogs), traffic jams (“Oh, look! A raindrop! Slam on the brakes!!!), and soggy toes (I hate when I forget my rain boots) the weather is perfect. If you prefer Something Else, perhaps not.

On the Other Hand, the Something Else frequently includes even worse weather, so I’m kind of OK with rain.

And trying to remember my rain boots.

Once upon a time, people didn’t have rain boots. This was a sad time in the world, what with the aforementioned wet toes and the accompanying foot fungus. (For the record, I have never had a foot fungus. Probably because I usually wear rain boots.)

The Duke of Wellington, who presumably liked his toes warm and dry and liked to look fashionable at the same time, had his shoemaker make a pair of fab new boots which were called Wellingtons.

Wellies were originally made of leather, but in 1852 Hiram Hutchinson had the good fortune to meet Charles Goodyear (yep, of tire fame) and bought the patent to make footwear with natural rubber. Hiram moved to France, made a bunch of waterproof boots, and became an instant hero to a country suffering from Wet Toes.

Still not sure what wellies are? Think of Paddington (the bear, not the station) and look at his feet. Wellingtons.

Love, Mom