Dear Kid,

I’ve finally figured out the problem with Life, the Universe, and Everything (extra points if you get the reference).

The problem is that the Way I Want the World To Be is not (unfortunately) the Way the World Is.

Which is sad.

For example, the Way I Want the World To Be is I can eat as much chocolate as I want and still lose weight. The Way the World Actually Is is that my scale says, “Bwah ha hahahahahaha. Ha.”

The Way I Want the World to Be is elves show up to clean the house. The Way the World Actually Is is the dust dragons say “Mwahhhhhahhahahaha.”

There is the distinct possibility that the chocolate and the elves have both been eaten by the dust dragons.

The Way I Want the World to Be is people taking care of their animals in a safe and loving way. The Way the World Actually Is is Rescue Shelters.

The Way I Want the World to Be is me sleeping half an hour later than usual because I have everything ready and I don’t have any early meetings. The Way the World Actually Is is me up at 4:45am because Awake Happened.

The Way I Want the World to Be is I’m Queen of the World (or at least my own little part of it). The Way the World Actually Is is that I’m Queen of the World (at least my own little—very little—part of it). Well, more like I’m Queen of my car when I’m the only one in it.

I’ll take what I can get. At least until the rest of the world catches up.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Sometimes a picture says it all. With cats, it’s all in the Look.

Cats think believe know they are in charge of the world.

But they generally allow people to admire them.

And often look adorable.

Love, Mom

Cat Conversations | Cat and Mouse
Puppy Conversations | Being a Cat
Voices of a Cat | Kitten Observations

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, Joe Neanderthal went out with his buddies to go hunting. Being Neanderthals, they didn’t have the option of going to the nearby store and picking up dinner on their way home so they had to stay out hunting until they actually caught something. In the interim there were lots of stories about the mammoth that got away and whether or not the saber-tooth squirrels were looking especially furry that year.

Eventually the Neanderthals clunked something over the head and dragged it home to their various spouses. Mrs. Joe Neanderthal was of the opinion that Joe had taken rather longer than was necessary and therefore clunked him over the head. Fortunately, Joe was extremely hard headed and just staggered around a while until he felt like himself. This is generally considered the First Homecoming.

In modern times, the first homecoming was in 1911 at the University of Missouri. There are some disputes about which college held the first homecoming. But since the Most Important Authorities in the Land (by which I mean Jeopardy!, Trivial Pursuit, and NCIS) all say it was Missouri, I think we can agree it was Missouri. Anyone who wants to argue with Alex and/or Gibbs is on their own as far as I’m concerned.

Here is a recipe for a successful Homecoming:

1. Arrange for clear weather. Downpours, drizzles, squalls, tornadoes, and flurries tend to put a damper (get it? Ha!) on the activities.
2. Participate in spirit week. If you’re a high schooler, roll your eyes but participate anyway. Be especially annoyed about “Denim Day.”
3. Agonize about a date to the Homecoming Dance. Once the “who” is settled, agonize about the “what to wear,” the “who else is in the group,” the “where to take pictures,” the “where to have dinner,” and any other details you can think of.
4. If you’re in Texas, include mums. And by “mums” I mean huge, over decorated concoctions. I’m not from Texas so I don’t really get it, but I have it on good authority that mums are a critical part of homecoming in the Lone Star State.
5. Have a parade and a pep rally. Not necessarily at the same time, but when one rolls into the other, it’s a nice touch.
6. Tailgating is considered by many to be a mandatory part of the weekend.
7. Crown the court. It is more interesting if you know the crownees, if someone falls off the risers during the crowing, or if they try to crown a band member who’s still wearing a marching band hat.
8. Win the football game. This is a considerably better option than losing the football game.
9. Enjoy the homecoming dance. Attendance is not a guarantee of enjoyment, but it is a prerequisite. There will be pre-dinner photos. Deal with it and smile.
10. Tell your mother everything. Telling All does not guarantee a peaceful existence, but it is likely to cut way down on the Annoying Mom Questions.

Happy Homecoming! Whether you’re coming home for it or not.

Love, Mom

Homecoming Part II tomorrow. Probably.