Dear Kid,

I am now officially a member of the Fitbit world.

Since I am new to Fitbit-ness, I am still trying to figure out how it works.

And I have a LOT of questions.

Like:

How does the Fitbit calculate calories burned when snuggling the Puppy? It can take a lot of energy to absorb all that love. Does Fitbit know that?

Can a Fitbit account for the difference between calories (and by “calories” I mean “chocolate”) eaten in annoyance versus calories eaten for pleasure versus calories eaten for sustenance? Clearly, they are not all the same, but I don’t know if Fitbit is tracking my consumption correctly.

Does my Fitbit measure running on a treadmill, running on the track, and running late at the same rate?

Is there a different formula for walking in sneakers versus walking in 4 inch stilettos? There should be. Especially if the stilettos have scrunchy toes.

How does a Fitbit know if I’m biking? My arms aren’t moving (usually) and my feet are just going round and round. Do I still get credit?

How does the Fitbit measure the impact of the crazy, sadistic physical therapy exercises? (And by “exercises” I mean whatever gadget they choose to use to shove my leg muscles around.) I would assume there is a lot of energy being burned there, what with all the screaming (mine) and yelling (also mine).

What about pushups or leg curls? How do I tell my Fitbit to count that kind of exercise?

Or gum chewing? How does the Fitbit account for the incredible number of calories I burn chomping on Trident?

And thinking. Thinking burns a lot of, well, a lot of something. For instance, how does the Fitbit tell the difference between sitting and watching bad reality TV (no effort) and sitting and contemplating bad reality TV (a great deal of effort)?

These are important questions. I hope someone has correspondingly important answers.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I was distracted at physical therapy.

Not the “Squirrel!” kind of distracted.

The “let’s give your bones some room to breathe” kind of distracted. The “your legs are pretending to be two entirely different lengths and we intend to address this” kind of distracted.

I know you’re learning about this in school which is why I’m bothering to tell you about it.

Because The Reality has nothing whatsoever to do with the theory you’re being taught.

Allow me to explain.

There I was, lying on my back, trying to overcome a diluted caffeine system (what with it being first thing in the morning), ligaments and tendons grumbling at being forced to move (everyone knows that respectable ligaments don’t move before 10am), when

WHAP!

In the mere blink of an eye, the merest nano-fraction of time, my mild-mannered khaki-clad physical therapist transmuted into full-on dominatrix mode. Black leather, spiked heels, domineering grin. The only thing missing was a whip. Oh, wait. Patient leg, whip, pretty much the same thing. And WHAP! my leg cracked through the air levitating my body a good six inches off the table. Then, PHWAM! I slammed back down (dang gravity).

“Wha? …”

“Mmm-hmmm” smiled the PT, all traces of sadism successfully hidden away.

“What?” When you’ve got a good line, stick with it.

“Well, if I’d told you what I was going to do, you’d have tensed.”

Um, yeah, and with good reason apparently.

The physical therapist molested my ankles. “Much better.”

Clearly, we do not share a definition of “better”.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It’s going to be one of those days.

There is the standard stuff of the day. Rush hour traffic, crazy clients, telemarketers—all the stuff that makes life so enjoyable.

And then there’s Physical Therapy.

The place where they do as much as possible to inflict pain in the name of eliminating pain.

So it’s a place I always look forward to going.

Today it’s going to be even better than usual because in addition to KT Tape – yes, you guessed it – we’re doing dry needling again.

Dry needling is a technique that’s supposed to help your muscles relax.

I looked it up. The first article explained that dry needling is derived from acupuncture. The second article insisted that dry needling is in no way, shape, or form related to acupuncture. I gave up researching.

The way dry needling works is the therapist finds the tightest, most painful part of the muscle and jabs it with a fine filament needle (aka acupuncture needle). The muscle objects. The therapist wiggles the needle around and jabs it into the muscle a few times. The muscle objects more. The theory is that the muscle will twitch (contract) and then release (relax).

Did I mention the muscle objects?

It’s nothing compared to how the nerves react.

Nerve 1: Hey, someone is digging their thumbs in here
Nerve 2: Yeah, I noticed that too
Nerve 1: Well, at least they’re being reasonably gentle
Nerve 2: Yeah, I thought so too—WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS GOING ON!!!

Then the nerves start screaming, yelling, trying to dodge the needle, and generally causing a ruckus.

Do you know how many nerves there are in the human body? And did you know that one acupuncture needle can hit 90% of them at once? And did you know that they don’t like being poked?

They make it pretty clear.

Me: Ow. Ow. OW!!
Phil-The-Owner: Should we assume it hurts?
Physical Therapist: She did accuse us of being sadists
Me: OW!
Physical Therapist: And it’s working
Me: Fine. But OW!

Such joy.

Love, Mom