Dear Kid,

It’s Super Bowl Sunday (which is almost as good as Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day but with better TV coverage). Not only are the traditional bets in play (who will win, who will lose, who will come out on top in the office square betting), but prop bets are going crazy.

You remember about Prop Bets right? They are the fabulously funky bets about everything other than the score of the game. Here are some of my faves available this year.

Note: You are a college student without lots of excess cash. All your bets should be for things like who washes the dishes after dinner, who takes out the trash this week, or other non-monetary consequences.

The second best prop bet for this year is how many times “dab” or “dabbing” will be said by announcers during the broadcast. Yes, I know what dabbing is (read here if you don’t) because I am twelve kinds of cool and I looked it up weeks ago. I don’t intend to count, but the betting is over two or under two and it’s hard to imagine they’ll say it less than twice. (NOTE: Halftime doesn’t count.)

The best prop bet for this year is whether “Left Shark” will make an appearance during halftime. You can also bet on which song Cold Play will play first (but not whether they’ll be cold), and what color shoes Beyoncé will be wearing.

Peyton Manning things you can bet on include whether he’ll announce his retirement in the post-game interview, whether he’ll throw a pick 6, and if he’ll be seen crying at any point during the broadcast.

Speaking of post-game interviews, you can bet on who the Super Bowl MVP will mention first (God, team, city/fans, coach, family, or something else).

You can place bets on a zillion things related to the coin toss, three zillion things related to kickers and punters, and five zillion things related to when scoring happens.

You can bet on whether Cam Newton will break the Super Bowl record for must rushing yards by a QB (see “dabbing” above).

You can—I swear I am not making this up—bet on the exact outcome of who wins the Super Bowl AND who wins the presidential election. You can bet on the Carolina Panthers winning the Super Bowl and the Golden State Warriors winning the NBA title. You can bet on whether the goals in the Montreal/Carolina NHL game February 7^th will be higher than the total number of receptions by Greg Olsen, and whether the Arsenal goals February 7 will be higher than the number of Peyton Manning TD passes.

You can bet about whether Mike Carey will be wrong about a challenge, whether there will be an earthquake during the game, and how long the national anthem will be.

You cannot—as far as I know—bet on whether your mother will stay awake to watch the entire game or what commercial people will be talking about tomorrow.

Happy Super Bowl.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

As someone (like me) may have mentioned, there is a Significant Football game this weekend. You can tell it’s significant because Katy Perry was all dressed up like a cross between a football and a cheerleader for her press conference.

And as you doubtless (without a doubt) remember, there are people who will be betting on the game. Not just the boring who is going to win and who is going to lose kind of bet, and not the typical I’ll wash the dishes all week kind of bet.

I’m talking about the prop bets. The crazy, cheese-cake-or-strudel type bet (extra points if you get the reference) that makes you smile while you lose your cash.

If you were the betting type, you could bet on whether Tom Brady will throw a TD before he throws an interception (or vice versa).

In good news for kickers, you could bet on whether one of the kickers will win MVP. (I suggest not taking that one.) There is also a prop bet on how many FGs the Seahawks will kick.

You could bet on what type of Bill Belichick’s hoodie, or what Katy Perry will be wearing (I’m absolutely sure she won’t be wearing the aforementioned football outfit and that her boobs will be covered—beyond that, I’m not making any bets).

There are bets that have to do with it being Groundhog Day and bets about what the announcers say and how they say it.

There are no bets on whether I will be blogging about the Super Bowl afterward. There are no bets available about what you will be eating during the game. And to the best of my knowledge there are no bets on whether it will be a good game, since the one thing no one can agree on is what “good” football is.

Love, Mom

In Guys and Dolls, Nathan Detroit tries to get Sky Masterson to bet on whether Mindys sells more cheese cake or strudel.

Cider.