Dear Kid,

I was just going to read one chapter before I went to sleep. Six chapters later, I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I should know better. There are some things that just should never be said. Or even thought.

Things like “I will just read one chapter.”

Things like “I will eat just one potato chip.”

There is no such thing as eating one potato chip. There is eating no potato chips; there is eating an entire 5 pound bag of chips. Science has not discovered anything in between. The thought of having one potato chip and not eating any more is beyond revolutionary, it’s utterly ridiculous.

There have been rare sightings of someone reading just one chapter. They are usually on a college campus and the books in question are usually Assigned Reading for a class outside of the student’s area of interest. It pretty much never happens when the book in question is a Robert B. Parker novel. Even a novel you’ve read 16 or 17 times previously.

Even if you promise yourself, PROMISE, that you will treat yourself to just one chapter, just one little chapter, because you deserve a little treat before going to sleep, and you know you’re exhausted which is why one small chapter won’t be problem, and then it will be lights out.

But it was such a short chapter. Just a few more minutes won’t hurt. Not a big deal at all. Reading is good for the mind. It’s relaxing. This is brain candy. It’s soothing and creative all at the same time.

If anything, that was an even shorter chapter, and how can one possibly go to sleep when Spenser (our hero) might get shot in the Very Next Chapter? Probably best just to read a bit more to be sure he doesn’t get injured even though that would really ruin the book so you know Parker isn’t going to do that but better safe than sorry.

And there you are, six chapters later, fighting to keep your eyes open and your rationale going and you just have to get some sleep.

Just don’t put your head down on the book because you will get potato chip crumbs crushed into your cheek.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Happy February!

Not only is tomorrow Groundhog Day (I love a holiday that celebrates furry critters), it is also the second most indulgent Day of Eating As Much As You Can in the US (the first being Thanksgiving). It is Superbowl Sunday.

Some of us will be watching the Big Game from the comfort of our own home, in PJs, wrapped in comfy blankets. Some of us will be gathered in dorm rooms, passing around big bags of chips. Some of us will be attending (various degrees of) lavish football-themed parties.

Wherever we are, some of us will be screaming at the TV, some of us will be waiting for the commercials, some of us will be focusing on the food. You know who you are.

Having attended four professional-ish events in the last week (yep, it’s been busy), I have a few things to say about parties.

1. If you are going to serve hot hors d’oeuvres it’s a good idea if they are (what’s the word I’m looking for? Oh, yeah) hot.
2. If you are going to serve crab cakes, it’s kind of cool if there is actual crab included.
3. If you are a server, there is no need to be sullen. Especially if you are the coffee refill person at an event that begins at 7:30am in a venue that is–for lack of a better work–freezing.
4. If someone asks for decaf, do not tell them that the high-octane coffee is decaf. They may come kill you when they’re still awake at 4am.
5. If you have a drawing for a door prize, it’s better if you pick me.
6. If you are going to throw a shin-dig in the ‘Nati in winter, you need a place for coats.
7. If you are hosting an event at which people will be standing around talking, holding drinks, and eating (simultaneously at the same time) do not serve something that requires knives. Especially if you don’t plan to provide knives.
8. If you’re not sure everyone at your party will be rooting for the same team, hide the knives.
9. If you’re planning to serve food that spills easily, it might be a good idea to have a hungry dog handy to help with clean-up after especially exciting plays.
10. Super Bowl Parties need not be over-the-top affairs. Warm up a pizza (if you try having it delivered during game time, you’re probably out of luck), open a bag of chips, and don’t forget to have fun at your own party.

Love, Mom