Dear Kid,

Sometimes life is easy. Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions.

Last night was one of the difficult times.

Football championship or Celebrity Apprentice? NCIS reruns or football? Football or Cash Cab?

Decisions, decisions.

I choose Football. And just in case you took care of your cold and went to bed at a reasonable hour, here’s what happened.

First the commentators tried to figure out if the Ducks would eat the Buckeyes, or if Urban Meyer would pull off the win. To keep it interesting, no one agreed.

I tried to figure out if I’d stay awake through the whole game. Just to stay in the spirit of things, I didn’t agree with myself.

First, let’s talk about the obvious. The Ducks should have won the sartorial part of the competition. They have coolest font for their numbers in all football. But they were wearing white tops and silver pants which looked white and their remarkable colorlessness was disappointing. The color guard was a close second, but they marched off beat, so no. There is nothing interesting about the referee uniforms. Points to the troops shown on the giant screen at the stadium.

National Anthem: Duck mascot looked dang cute with his hand somewhere in the vicinity of his heart. Anthem well sung; everyone cheered.

Game captains walk out holding hands. So cute. Hugs and handshakes all around. Likely to be the end of gentlemanly interaction for a few hours. The ref uses a coin that has neither heads nor tails, but everyone seems happy. Eventually, the teams lined up for the kickoff.

Marcus Mariota from the Ducks (all that white is just so unfortunate given that their colors are green and yellow) won the Heisman in 2014. He’s the only Heisman winner from Hawaii. This is important because guess where your grandparents are and I’m not?

Oregon pushes down to midfield. Is that a banana on the turf? False alarm, it’s a stylized football. (Booker thinks it looks like a banana too.)

According to the commentators the Buckeye defense is “stunned” by the first drive of the Ducks. But then—FUMBLE—First down Ohio State. But wait, must review upstairs. For a loooong time. And it turns out the dude was down before the ball was ripped out. Ducks keep the ball. This is important because it is the only time the Ducks will even consider turning over the ball. Not that it will help them enough (foreshadowing in case you weren’t sure).

The puppy is so amazed, he snores.

And a few snores later, the Ducks score their first touchdown. PAT snap is a little high but no one seems to care and the score is Ducks 7 Buckeyes 0.

Now it’s Ohio turn. Turns out the puppy snores equally for both teams. Bunch of plays, and the Buckeyes punt. As do the Ducks. Puppy thinks it’s snack time. Disappointment and commercials all around.

After getting pinned practically at their goal line and converting on a fourth down, the Buckeyes score. Flag on the PAT. Re-kick and now it’s 7:7. Or possibly 7:7 depending on how you look at these things.

At the commercial break, the puppy goes into the kitchen to see if anything has fallen on the floor. The urge to snack is strong with that one.

Pi and Dad come home. Much distraction, during which The Ohio State University scores again.

Second quarter. Ohio fumbles and Oregon recovers. Oregon, 4^th and goal. Scrum! Whistles! Ohio holds the line. Then Ohio oopses after the play and the penalty is half the distance to the goal (measured in microns).

Rinse and repeat. Yep, Ohio fumbles and Oregon recovers.

You know, with all the things the commentators have discussed, I don’t think they’ve commented on the fact that both teams start with O. I’m pretty sure this is highly significant.

More football. Ohio scores. (Sorry, got in a conversation with Dad, so I didn’t have much idea what happened until the instant replay.) Wait, not a TD. 3^rd down and 3 inches to go. So they do. PAT is good.

Oregon responds by taking a long time to get to a field goal. And after a failed trick play, we go to half-time Oregon 10, Buckeyes 21.

Halftime: Much conversation. Even more commercials. Probably a halftime show, but the TV people didn’t bother us with it.

Second half.

The stylized football still looks like bananas. I am rather fixated on this. So is the puppy who would like to share the banana.

Pi: Oregon is supposed to win, right?
Me: They may not have gotten the memo
Puppy: Banana! Banana!
Dad: There are no bananas
Puppy: Please?

Ohio State is on the move. Until Oregon intercepts the ball.

Pi: That’s Jalin Marshall, right?
Dad: Yup.
Pi: Way to represent the GMC.

(Jalin played in the Greater Miami Conference in high school. So did you. Now Pi does. The sarcasm is strong in that one. Don’t feel bad, Jalin. You’ve had one heck of game.)

Oregon scores on the turnover. But the moron runner may have dropped the ball before he crossed the goal line. No, upon further review the call on the field stays.

Oregon: 17; Ohio: 21

Ohio smashes through on a crazy 4^th and 1. The crowd goes crazy. Oregon responds by picking up a fumble (for the fourth time if you’re counting these things). The crowd goes crazier.

Pi: You can’t win the National Championship with 4 turnovers.

No one argues. Ohio doesn’t let the logic of this statement stop them.

Ohio prevents a TD. Ducks kick a FG. 20:21.

Finally, a commercial so I can go get a snack.

Puppy: Me too?
Me: You’re already in bed. No snack for you.
Puppy: Sad face

THE OSU says, whatev, and smashes down the field for a TD. And by “smashes” I pretty much mean “smashes” since several OSU runners left Duckie bodies strewn across the field.

The momentum goes this way. The momentum goes that way. I go look for some Dramamine.

Oregon 20: Buckeyes 35 42.

The commentators wish me to remind you that this is a very young Buckeye team. They’re all up past their bedtimes and Nannies will be taking them home after the game. Also, they should be back next year. And the year after that. And possibly until you are old and gray.

They also wish me to remind you (again) that the OSU punter is an Aussie.

Finally, they wish me to remind you how awesome OSU was in this game. You’ve been reminded.

I still can’t understand why no one thinks I should do the live TV commentary of big football games.

And so, the college football season comes to an end. Not with a vote, but with a national championship.

Who Dey!

I mean, Go Bucks!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Just in case you thought violence and misbehavior in football was a recent invention, let me assure you idiots have been around for more than a while.

Case in point: Woody Hayes, one time Ohio State University (OSU) football coach.

Hayes had been the coach of the Buckeyes for 28 years at the time of our story. On December 29, 1978, OSU was playing Clemson in the Gator Bowl. (This is very exciting, pay attention.)

Right near the end of the game, OSU was down two points. A Clemson Tigers linebacker intercepted a pass (can you hear the roar of the crowd?) and was knocked out of bounds on the Buckeyes sideline.

As Charlie Bauman (the Clemson linebacker in question) got up, Hayes punched him in the throat.

Under no possible interpretation of the phrase can that be considered “good sportsmanship.”

It took several Buckeyes to restrain Hayes. Under no possible interpretation of the words could Hayes have been considered “calm and reasonable.”

OSU lost 15-17.

The next day, December 30, 1978, OSU fired Hayes.

It’s worth noting (because I say so) that last night the Clemson Tigers also beat OSU in the Russell Athletic Bowl. A different OSU (last night it was Oklahoma State University) and to the best of my knowledge no players were punched in the throat.

And under no possible interpretation of the phrase can last night’s score be considered “a close game.”

Love, Mom

In case you missed it, Oklahoma finally scored when Clemson pulled their 49th string put in several cheerleaders and a trombone player. The final score was Oklahoma 6, Clemson 40.

That is not a typo.