Dear Kid,

As promised, the Olympics have arrived. Ta Dah!

And the Fails continue (so sad). The hotel rooms still aren’t done which is making journalists grumpy. The snowflakes-turning-into-Olympic-rings was something less than it could have been given that one of the rings didn’t open (oops).

Gotta say, much as we love our US athletes (and we do) the costumes were as bad as promised. Worse since they didn’t have professional lighting, an outdated flag, and photoshop. Baggy sweats. Lovely impression to give the world. Ralph, your mother must be so proud.

And there’s the yogurt issue. Chobani wants to send a whole lot (and by “a whole lot” I mean 5,000 cups) of protein-carrying yogurt to the athletes in Sochi. The athletes think that’s a fine idea. The US thinks that’s a fine idea. Customs, the Department of Agriculture, and the entire House of Representatives (probably) think it’s a fine idea. Russia? Not so much.

The yogurt is stuck in Newark, NJ (and so far, no one is blaming Christie) because the Russians say the yogurt doesn’t have the right paperwork. The US says it is impossible to get “the right” paperwork. Russia is sticking with “na na na boo boo” for the moment and the yogurt is staying state-side.

Overall, the Opening Ceremony was Quite A Spectacle with lots of symbolism not all of us understood completely. Yeah, there was a random dog. Yeah, the Russians inadvertently invented a new look to the Olympic rings. Yeah, we didn’t quite get all of it. But that’s the Olympics. And if these are the worst conditions the journalists have had to endure then I say they’ve had some pretty cushy assignments.

So now it’s time to enjoy the competition, root for our favorite athletes, celebrate the world coming together in something other than war, and hope there are no injuries due to falls, crashes, or less than athletic terrorism.

Happy Olympics and may the odds be ever in your favor.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Actually, the Olympics are here since several events started before tonight’s Opening Ceremonies. And by “opening ceremonies” I mean the opening ceremonies of the games since there aren’t going to be opening ceremonies for the nearby hotels. Mostly because the majority of the new hotels didn’t get finished on time. #OlympicFail

To no one’s surprise (except mine—I apparently wasn’t paying attention), it is warmish in Sochi this time of year. Certainly warmer than Cincinnati. This is because Sochi is in the warm part of Russia where they stay warm by sharing toilet space. Weird.

To guard against an early spring (we miss you spring!), Sochi has saved up tons of snow (I kid you not) and kept it nice and cozy under specially made thermal blankets.

The opening ceremonies (featuring the US’s colorful, patriotic, original costumes) will take place at 11am eastern. Since that is not considered to be prime TV time, NBC is delaying the broadcast until 7:30pm which will give me time to go to the gym before deciding whether or not to watch. Nordic combined skier Todd Lodwick will be leading the US delegation. Billie Jean King will not be there because her mother is ill, which is sad on many levels.

Fisht Olympic Stadium, which cost $780 million to build (and in my opinion should be pronounced without vowels), is the venue for the opening ceremonies. With a price tag like that you should be sure to ooh and ahh.

There has been controversy around a new sport, slopestyle snowboarding. The course is quite dangerous (Norwegian medal contender Torstein Horgmo broke a collarbone and withdrew from the games). Officials have made some changes to the course, but not enough for Shawn White who has graciously bowed out of slopestyle to concentrate on the half pipe.

I think there will be controversy around the team figure skating; probably because I am considering starting the controversy. But I have brilliantly decided to wait and see how it goes before committing to objecting to it.

There are 12 new events for this Olympics. Women’s ski jumping debuts (can you say “It’s about time?”). There are also several mixed events including Biathlon mixed relay, figure skating team event, and luge relay. Both men and women will ski the halfpipe (which I think will be cool), ski slopestyle and snowboard slopestyle (which will only be cool if they are safe), and snowboard parallel slalom. Clearly the Olympics ran away and had an affair with the X Games.

Even though NBC is delighting themselves by promising to broadcast Every Moment of Every Event (some of the broadcasting will be on pay-per-Olympics channels), you are not required to watch Every Moment of Every Event. The news media and I are here to keep you posted on the Stuff You Really Need to Know. I’m just That Kind of Mom.

Love,

That Kind of Mom

Dear Kid,

You may have heard it said that there is nothing new under the sun.

This is of course not true, and there is now a New Horror Among Us: the outfits the US of A athletes will wear during the opening ceremonies of the Sochi Olympic games.

To be fair, it can’t be easy designing something for every body type represented by the team. Think great big hockey dudes and tiny little figure skater dudettes. But that is no reason to resort to the fashion statement we call Awful (as in full of awf).

Not only are the sweaters just hideous (and by hideous I mean hideous) the bottoms are sweatpants. Not just sweatpants. White sweatpants.

Do you know who looks good in white sweatpants? No one. I have researched the issue thoroughly and there is no one on the planet for whom white sweatpants are a good fashion choice.

Can you wear white sweats around the house? If it makes you happy, sure. Can you wear them to the gym? Why not. Should you wear them to go grocery shopping? If you must. But on an international stage where nations are showing off their finest? Um, no. No. Not now, not ever.

To make it even better (and by “better” I mean “much worse”) the publicity shot that was used to introduce us to this visual catastrophe had a flag in it. The US flag. With 48 stars. (Careful, don’t let your jaw hit the floor as you absorb the full impact of that particular faux pas.)

Embarrassing. That’s what it is. And expensive. The sweaters are upwards of $500 each and if you think that’s a good deal because it is commemorative or something you’re just wrong. (This is the point at which you should be very happy I gave you a pair of “GO” “USA” mittens and not one of these sweaters.)

On the plus side, I’m reasonably sure no athlete’s competitive performance has ever been impacted by their outfit in the opening ceremonies, so we’ve go that in our favor. And since they only have to wear these puppies at the opening ceremonies we have the whole rest of the Olympics to allow our retinas to recover.

Go. USA.

Love, Mom

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