Dear Kid,

Dad is at it again.

Or perhaps I should say the squirrels are at it again.

Either way, someone is at it, and “it” involves birdseed and removing tree limbs.

Dad was convinced that the squirrels couldn’t reach the birdfeeder, or that the one clever squirrel had reached the end of his time here on planet earth and was stalking birdfeeders in squirrel heaven.

And so he (Dad) happily went about his business.

Until I refilled the birdfeeders and Dad happened to look outside.

(Insert stabbing music from Psycho.)

What followed next was something out of a scene from Caddy Shack. A scene that hit the cutting room floor, but a scene nonetheless.

Dad raced out of the house, shouting at the squirrel to mind his (the squirrel’s) own species, and inviting plagues of curses upon the house of said rodent. The threat of his lineage being cursed didn’t seem to upset the squirrel in the least. The threat of a crazy man descending upon him waving a cell phone made him reconsider hanging out on the birdfeeder.

Once the birdfeeder was squirrel-free (temporarily), Dad went about assessing the situation to make it squirrel-free (permanently).

Saws, loppers, dynamite, drones, schematics, ladders, a laser pointer, and eye of newt were all involved.

In short, one of the nearby trees had its bangs trimmed. And the squirrels seem unable (or unwilling) to leap from the branches to the birdfeeders.

But the hand shears are still on the porch so that Dad can race out and prune away if the need should arise.

Perhaps this should be an Olympic sport.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

We’re headed toward the Olympics and Rio isn’t Ready.

Haven’t we been here before? Russia wasn’t ready and yet somehow pulled it off.

But Rio has some issues Russia never even thought of.

Like the Zika virus.

So far several athletes (and by “several athletes” I mean several athletes that you’ve heard of) have decided not to attend the Olympics.

Interestingly, they are all male and none of them are pregnant. (Rory McIlryoy, Tejay van Garderern, and Greg Rutherford are the athletes in question. OK, maybe you haven’t heard of them. You’re not likely to hear about them any time soon because they won’t be winning in Rio since they won’t be there.)

Brazilian officials are responding by saying the athletes in question are just big babies and teaching mosquitoes a synchronized dance for the opening ceremonies.

The other big scandal (in case you haven’t been keeping up with these things) is that the Rio de Janeiro anti-doping lab has been suspended for “wrongly interpreting” test results. Meaning they “oopsed” a few times too many and “produced false positives.”

This of course led to a whole lot of he said/they said and tastes-great-less-filling controversies which are never good for smooth Olympics. It is unclear if the lab will be, um, fixed in time for the games which are—wait for it—only 6 weeks away.

Bottom line? Who the heck knows, but it will be interesting.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Yesterday was Penguin Awareness Day. Every January 20th, Penguins turn to each other and say, “I feel very aware.” World Penguin Day is April 25th, when penguins (patron saint Bond, James Bond) turn to each other and say “It may be April, but my toes are still cold.”

Penguins (patron saint Fred Astaire) are 12 kinds of adorable. Special thanks to the Newport Aquarium for sharing the photos of all their adorableness.

Here are a whole bunch of things you absolutely positively need to know about penguins (patron saint groom cake toppers).

Even though they can’t breathe underwater and most don’t carry an air tank, penguins are speedy little dudes in the sea. All but the laziest of penguins can swim 5-6 miles an hour with bursts up to 15 mph (when there is a particularly delicious looking fish to get or when teenage penguins are trying to show off). Gentoo Penguins zip along at up to 22 mph. This is faster than you can swim.

Part of the reason they swim so quickly is that they bought the same type of swim suit the Olympians wear. Which is to say when they fluff their feathers, bubbles are released that “reduce the density of the water around them… and act as lubrication that decreases water viscosity.” Who knew you could decrease the density of water?

For a special treat, click here–>It’s a Penguin Party! (A La Fiesta de Pingüinos)

Small penguins don’t dive as deep as larger penguins. The big dudes (like Emperor Penguins) can dive 1,870 feet deep for up to 22 minutes. They do not do this in  the aquarium since the floor gets in the way.

Did you know that penguins swallow pebbles and stones as well as their food? It’s probably to help grind up their food (like an internal garbage disposal) although some scientists think the stones are more of a weight belt to help the penguins dive deeper.

On land, penguins waddle between 1.7 and 2.4 mph. Now you know why they live places where land predators do not. And (I kid you not) a group of penguins on land is called a “waddle.”

Penguins do not have teeth. Rather they hold on to prey with their beak and spines on the roof of their beaks and on their tongues. French kissing is not popular among penguins.

Many penguins mate with the same penguin year after year. Many penguins also cheat on their mate (I am not making this up).

In most penguin species, the male incubates the eggs while the female trots off to hunt and have a lovely GNO. Because the males stay behind for up to weeks at a time, pudgy males are most desirable. Some penguins lose up to 20 or more pounds while they eggsit. This is known as the penguin diet and will soon be the rage in California.

Speaking of penguin diets, you might be wondering about the amount of sea water penguins drink. Not to worry, my friend. Penguins have a special gland (behind their eyes which seems to be as good a place as any to store a gland) which filters saltwater out of their blood stream. Penguins then excrete it by sneezing. I am dying to see a penguin sneeze.

Penguins go through a catastrophic molt, which is when they lose all their feathers at once and spend 2 to 3 week land-bound while they grow new ones. This is sort of the penguin equivalent of What Not To Wear.

Coolest Penguin Fact:

A penguin’s normal body temperature is approximately 100° F (38° C). To keep from overheating, penguins pant like dogs to cool off. They also ruffle their feathers and hold their wings away from their bodies. Better yet, penguins can control the blood flow to their extremities enough to reduce the amount of blood that gets cold, but not enough so that their extremities freeze. How cool is that?

Best Penguin Fact of the Day:

Some of the prehistoric penguins were enormous—about full-grown person sized. IMHO, this might have diminished their adorableness factor.

Isn’t it amazing what you can learn by celebrating a holiday about penguins (patron saint Prom King)?

Love, Mom

Who knew penguins (patron saint all award show hosts) had a thing for imitating Henri Matisse?

Dear Kid,

In 1891, James Naismith was sitting around watching clouds and butterflies in the Springfield, MA sky and decided to invent basketball. Actually, I’m not sure there were clouds and butterflies. And there wasn’t any sky because Naismith was inside.

The real story. Naismith went to college at McGill (in Canada) where he played pretty much every team sport, including gymnastics. Then he graduated and became the director of athletics at McGill and eventually moved to Springfield, MA, to be a physical education teacher (that was in the days when it was called physical education because we hadn’t invented the word “gym” yet) at the YMCA International Training School (now Springfield College).

In case you hadn’t thought about it, I should point out that it is not tropical in Springfield, MA, in the winter. In fact, it is downright cold. And up to that point, indoor games were not physical enough to burn off the energy Naismith’s class brought to the Y every day.

The head of the Physical Education department told Naismith to invent a game (in 14 days) that would “provide a physical distraction.” The game also had to 1. Not take up too much space, 2. Keep the track athletes in shape, and 3. Be fair and not too rough.

Naismith got to work and poof! basketball was invented. As he created the new game, Naismith wanted a game that didn’t have the hazards of a small ball or puck (so he used the big, soft soccer ball). He decided passing was the safest (there was no such thing as dribbling at that point—players had to pass the ball from the point at which it was passed to them). And he reduced body contact by nailing the baskets (peach baskets at the time) over player’s heads so that the goal was unguardable.

Clearly modern day basketball has poo-pooed the no contact part of the original rules.

The first game of basketball was played December 15, 1891. During the first game “Most of the fouls were called for running with the ball, though tackling the man with the ball was not uncommon.”

In 1904, basketball became a demonstration sport at the Olympics in St. Louis, and in 1936 became an official sport in the 1936 games. Cool note: Naismith got to hand out the medals: US (gold), Canada (silver), Mexico (bronze) and was named the honorary president of the International Basketball Federation.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Today is the 600^th DearKidLoveMom blog. This has exactly no historical significance. There is no need to applaud unless you really want to. In which case, who am I to object?

Once I realized that it was the 600^th blog, I immediately turned to My Friend the Internet to see what interesting information I could find about the number 600. MFTI was—as usual—most helpful.

The Coca-Cola 600 is the longest NASCAR race (at 600 miles). The race takes place in May at the Charlotte Motor Speedway (just in case you were thinking about buying tickets).

600 “represents the Karma of the microcosmic individual.” I have no idea what that means. If anyone can explain it, I would be delighted to listen. Unless it’s a bunch of drivel in which case I will forgo the education.

Noah was 600 when the flood began. One would assume he aged significantly while afloat with all those animals. I’m guessing one measures time in dog years when one is aboard the ark.

The number 600 is pronic as it is the product of two consecutive numbers (in this case 24 and 25—aren’t you glad I figured it out for you?). Turns out there are a bunch of other classifications I’ve never heard of (like cake and pizza numbers.  I kid you not. I thought I understood the definitions of those, but when I looked at the examples, it turns out I don’t. I shall consult my fave mathematician and baker.).

The head of Goliath’s spear weighed 600 shekels of iron. This is about half what my purse usually weighs.

The number 600 is used 25 times in the Bible. I’m not sure which Bible or who counted, but MFTI says it’s true, so there you have it.

In the year 600 CE Pope Gregory the Great decreed “God bless You” as the religiously correct response to a sneeze. This is probably my favorite fact about the number 600. What’s yours?

Alfred, Lord Tennyson, immortalized the six hundred in The Charge of the Light Brigade.

The Charge of the Light Brigade

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
“Forward, the Light Brigade!
“Charge for the guns!” he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

and so on

According to Japanese lore, when the crane (or stork) turns 600, it ceases to eat and is satisfied with drinking.

600 basketballs were available to use during the London Olympics.

On average, you will take 600 million breaths during your life. I advise living long enough to far exceed this number.

The odds of being struck by lightning are about 600 thousand to one. Of course, if you get hit by lightning, you might not get to take all 600 million breaths, so listen to your mother and don’t play golf during a lightning storm.

There are 600 pain censors in each square inch of skin. Unless you get a papercut in which case there are 600 x 600 pain censors per millimeter of skin.

It takes (about) 600 cows to make enough footballs for a single NFL season. Cows typically do not volunteer for football making duty. I should really write a blog about footballs.

There are approximately 600 ingredients in cigarettes. None of them are good for you. If necessary, I can provide 600 reasons you shouldn’t smoke. Not for you, but you might know someone who can benefit.

And once I sign off, this blog will have 600 words. Just exactly 600.

Love, Mom